“Bala,” she answers simply because she didn’t have a single clue as to what was happening between him and me.
Neither did Quinn or Gia.
Lena was the only one, and even then, she didn’t know everything.
None of that matters now, though. What matters is that Andrés is gone for good, and much like my brother, I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
Ángel may have been the elusive one between the two, but Andrés will now and forever be the one that got away.
The one I was never supposed to have.
And I’m not so sure I’ll ever be the same again.
♫ Don’t Let Go - Farruko
I lasted four days after throwing Benni in Seg before I was turning in my badge and walking out the door.
I couldn’t do it.
Knowing she was in there—helpless, heartbroken, hurting, and alone was more than I could handle. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone on the team, didn’t even bother voicing I was leaving. I simply went straight to Warden Kent’s office and told him I was out, blamed it on the long-ass hours and lack of respect from some of my teammates. What that meant for them after the fact, I didn’t care, and I still don’t. Perhaps my tip-off might prompt Kent to keep a closer eye on some of the scumbags he keeps employed.
What I do care about?
Benni.
I won’t lie…it’s been hell without her. Despite us not being able to freely have a relationship, every moment we shared, no matter how small, meant something. From that first look, I knew there was something special about her. She wasn’t just some chick I wanted to fuck—although that was part of it—she was something more. What sparked between us was unlike anything I’d ever experienced in the past, even with my exes, and it’s been killing me slowly that I lost it. That I had to give her up.
That I undoubtedly broke her heart.
I still stand by my decision to end it, but it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. That and leaving without saying goodbye, without giving her the explanation I know she needed to understand why I’d done it in the first place. She may be smart as a whip, but there’s no way she’d figure it out on her own, not when I threw it at her from one day to the next.
It’s been four weeks since then. I’ve moved back to South Florida and have taken on a new position as a property manager for the apartment complex where I’m currently renting. I’d contemplated going back for my old job at the nearby prison, but I couldn’t bring myself to be placed in that setting again. I needed a change. I finally visited my parents in the Keys, too, and yes—it was for the Fourth like my mom wanted, and have just been trying to occupy my free time with whatever means necessary. There have been a few meaningless one-night stands here and there, but they were just that—meaningless as hell and nothing like Benni. I keep waiting for the day when she won’t consume my thoughts, or when the thought of her won’t hurt my heart, but it’s not happening.
Every day I wake up missing her, needing her, and I’m starting to think I always will.
Which is why I’m currently parked in front of the Annex after an almost three-hour drive to see her. I keep telling myself it’s for closure, that she and I both need this, but my heart has other plans I’m not even aware of yet. I’m too worried about her reaction to recognize any ulterior motives my subconscious has up its sleeve.
“Fuck it,” I grit, pushing out of the Wrangler and locking it behind me before I can convince myself to drive my depressed ass out of here.
It’s now or never.
Sliding my keys into my pocket, I hop up onto the sidewalk and make my way with heavy strides to the door. Feels like I’ve got two lead bricks tied to my feet, that’s how anxious I am about going in there. Technically, my impromptu visit shouldn’t be happening at all since you need to be on an inmate’s list of approved visitors, but working here ended up being good for something. Rodriguez got me in when I called him about it a few days back. I always feel like he kinda knew what was going on during my time here, and his willingness to help confirmed it. Well, he did, too, said he was glad it was me and not Mack, but him wanting to help was what did it first.
Pulling open the only door leading in, I step into the search box for the required pat down and search, and after being cleared, continue on to the check-in window not far away. The sign-in process is decently quick, even with the girl behind the glass watching me all throughout. I didn’t ever come up to the front much, but I don’t doubt she probably recognizes me. She doesn’t ask any questions that aren’t necessary by procedure, though, and once she’s got all of my information and provides me with a visitor sticker, she directs me to have a seat with the rest of people waiting for visiting hours to start.
Not twenty minutes later, a young female CO calls us all in and ushers us down a long, narrow hallway to the visitation room. My heart’s jammed in my throat, mouth drier than the fucking desert. I think what’s got me most nervous is the fact these visits aren’t behind a glass; they’re face-to-face. I’m gonna have to sit there, less than two feet away from her, and have to force myself not to touch her. Not that I think she’d want me to, but the urge isn’t going to be easy to tamp down.
One by one, the young CO makes her way through the list of visitors, directing each one to a different
