Her eyes twinkled. “And I have been ‘Lady Ellen’d’ enough for a lifetime. You may call me Ellen.”
The tiniest weight lifted from me, the reassurance of her friendship loosening at least one of the knots that plagued me. I let out a sigh as I attempted to sort out my thoughts.
Her lips drew into a pout of consideration. “Perhaps if I asked a few questions, it might make this conversation a little easier. What happened the other evening during your musical performance? When you spoke to Halstead afterward you looked ready to tear him limb from limb.”
I ducked my head. “Yes, I suppose I was. I mistook his actions—I thought he’d perhaps only joined me to make it clear he had no interest in Lady Margaret.”
She spoke softly. “When, in reality, all he wished was to be near you.”
“Do you really think so? It seems everyone in this household is more certain than I am.”
Her expression grew tense. “What do you mean?”
I wished I had guarded my words more carefully. But now that I’d spoken, she would ferret it out of me one way or another. “Your mother pulled me aside this afternoon. She has all but forbidden me from spending any more time with your brother.”
She groaned. “My mother is sometimes the worst combination of stubborn and dimwitted.” She tilted her head back for a moment. “Perhaps it will help if I explain. Mother and Grandmother have attempted to browbeat Halstead back into Society for almost a year, with no success. The man is immovable when he wants to be. Yet one day after your arrival he joins us at dinner of his own volition.”
She shook her head, and the smile from her face faded. “He’d not attended church services in nearly two years. Two years, Juliet. And then last Sunday he walked in and surprised us all. Did you not see the look of shock upon the rector’s face?”
With each word she spoke, warmth spread through me. Did she really believe these changes were somehow connected to me? It seemed impossible I could have so much influence. For a moment it felt as though my heart might lift right out of my chest. Until I remembered his mother’s stern warning. If she spoke to my aunt, I could only imagine what Aunt Agnes would think up next to punish me. Harry would be involved; of that I was certain.
Heavy chains wrapped around my heart, tugging it back into place. “That doesn’t change your mother’s feelings on the matter. And if she speaks to my Aunt Agnes—”
“You leave Mother to me. I’ll force her to see reason.”
But even that reassurance didn’t calm some of my other fears. “I’m glad if I’ve had anything to do with these changes you speak of, but it isn’t as though . . .” I pursed my lips together, trying to give voice to my thoughts. “Halstead and I talked just this morning of life before his accident.” I spoke quickly, before I lost my nerve to voice my thoughts aloud. “I’m not naive enough to believe I am anything like the women he was once accustomed to.”
My stomach cramped, for I was quite sure the young ladies he once pursued were all like Lady Margaret. Refined. Ladylike. With perfect pedigrees that went all the way back to Henry the Conqueror.
Ellen gave me a hard stare. “Quite right—you’re not like any of them, and thank goodness. Stupid, ninny-headed fools, the lot of them, save Lady Margaret. But Juliet, Halstead wants nothing to do with her. She hasn’t the backbone he needs.” She squeezed my arm. “You do.”
Robert’s face flooded my mind, and my shoulders slumped under the weight of heavy guilt. “It isn’t that simple. My life is . . . complex.”
“Because of Mr. Nicholson,” she said knowingly. Her gaze was gentle. “Do you love him, Juliet?”
“Yes.” I shook my head. “No.” I willed myself to breathe out and took in a gulp of fresh air. “He’s always been like a brother, but now he wants to marry me. I’d be a fool not to try to see him as something more.”
Ellen’s nose scrunched into disapproval. “You don’t strike me as someone who would be happy with such a settlement.”
I swallowed. “There are things that matter more than my happiness.”
“Mr. Nicholson’s?” She scoffed. “And what of my brother’s?”
I couldn’t expect her to understand my situation with Robert, but still her tone made me testy. “Your brother is a wild card, at best. I’ll not stake my future on such uncertainty. Heavens, he’s vowed not to marry. And I’ve vowed not to . . .”
“Not to what, Juliet?”
“Not to enter into a marriage of social disparity. My parents made that mistake, and it’s resulted in nothing but unhappiness for Harry and me.” I exhaled, for deep down, this was my greatest fear. Despite what Halstead and I felt, despite everyone who wished to push and pull me this way and that, this was the heart of the matter.
She rubbed at her forehead and let out a wisp of air. “Forgive me for speaking so forwardly—I care for you and speak only the truth. But you’d be a fool to think you can find happiness simply by tiptoeing around, attempting to avoid the mistakes of others.” She pulled my left hand into hers. “I’ve never seen Halstead look at anyone the way he looks at you. He may be as hardheaded as a mule, but I’d swear he’s in love with you.”
I wanted to take her words and examine them like precious jewels, but they posed only danger to my already weakened resolve. “I doubt that very much. And I promised Robert I would take some time to consider, to think over his offer.”
“Mr. Nicolson has had claim on your time for years. You leave for Lymington Park in two days. Why not at least consider Halstead until then?”
Could I? A thread of hope wove its way through me.
I set my shoulders back. “I’ll think on it, I promise,
