Liddy jerked awake, trembling, feeling Paulholding her.
“…a dream, Lids. Just a dream…”
Her hands went to her face as her heart throbbed,felt like something was crushing it. “I was drowning and you were swimmingaway,” she breathed. “Just…leaving me.”
“Because of last night.” He held hertighter. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
His hair was wet, must have just turned offthe shower. Last night came back…
They had fought more when they got back, thenhad gone all silent and sullen and gone to bed mad. He conked right out, ofcourse – he always did. Liddy had lain awake miserable, then had dropped into anuneasy sleep. Twice she’d jerked awake trembling, seen the clock at three andfive-thirty, didn’t remember closing her eyes again. Then the dream.
She was still seeing Sasha and…a red teddybear? Where had that come from?
Paul had her sitting up now, his soft,urgent voice just a drumming white noise still emitting sorry, oh Lids, I’m aturd, we’ve been through such pressure and that was before the accident.He was drying her tears with the belt of his terry robe. “The bad feeling willdissipate. Hey,” he urged sweetly, “we move in four days, it’s exciting! Getcracking, you’ll be so busy today you’ll barely have time to fit in Alex.”
Who? Oh. Nooo…was it Friday already?
Alex Minton, dear shrink who’d said she wasgetting so much better. “Four o’clock appointment,” Liddy muttered, feeling hercold dread deepen.
“Don’t cancel.” Paul brushed her hair fromher brow. “You surfacing? Bogeyman dream leaving?”
“Yeah,” she croaked, but it wasn’t. She stillsaw the red teddy bear and couldn’t understand it; managed to force a smile ashe squeezed her, and then pulled back with his eyes almost beseeching. “God,”he said. “I so want all of this behind us, a whole new, wonderful start.”
“Wish granted.” She smiled again, this timemore gamely, raised her hand and waved an imaginary wand above their heads.
Paul finished dressing, kissed her again asshe still lay conked under the covers, and left.
A red teddy bear? Where in God’s name…?
She let her mind wander, back to the sadplace and time when she was growing up. A shabby, depressed household,sickness, alcoholism, everyone too overwhelmed to pay much attention to eachother, but when still young Liddy had found escape in books, read voraciously,lived in her books which were her safe place - except for one that had brokenher heart. She’d even blocked out the title; now rooted in her still foggymind, and back it came. The Red Pony, by…more rooting, and the author’sname came: John Steinbeck. Fifteen, had she been when she read it? And criedfor days. Vowed never to forgive that terrible man Steinbeck for having writtensomething so sad.
But she’d never forgotten the book, notreally. Like a scar that’s an unavoidable part of growing up, it had alwaysstayed with her, under the surface but still there, a big emotional scar that,in retrospect, was a lesson in life.
So?
Red pony, red teddy bear? Did that makesense?
Her visit to Kerri Blasco came back too, andnot being able to quite identify that ear stud of Sasha’s. How close can yoube to guessing a teddy bear and not have it be a teddy bear?
She couldn’t figure any of it. Let her mindcontinue to fret it as she finally got up and got busy, emitting a groan, thinkinghow much there was to do.
An hour later she was filling and labelingmore Bekins boxes, still feeling a tightness in her chest but using minutiae topush it down. Beth called to say the construction people were already at theloft, she let them in, then had to run up to East 76th.
“Wow, fast.”
“They’re in the neighborhood finishing a differentjob, happy to segue right into yours. They’re fast, by the way, can fix a flooror put up a wall in a day. So girlfriend, how are you doing?”
For a second too long Liddy said nothing,and Beth groaned. “Not another nightmare?”
“’Fraid so. Hell waking up, but it’sdissipating.”
“Oh Lids.”
“Maybe when I get crazy busy, back on track...”
Beth groaned again. “Let’s hope.” At theother end someone called to her. “Speaking of crazy busy, I may have screwed upsending everybody to the loft at once. It sounds like the construction peopleare getting under each other’s feet.”
“Who do I call? What are their names?”
Beth told her. “Oh, and Henry the lock andalarm guy? He’s waiting for you to call about changing your security system.”She gave that number too.
“I’ll call.”
“Love ya, sweetie. Call if you don’t feelgood.”
Liddy hung up; sighed. Wished again shecould have told Beth about the blond girl’s apparition on the window, and hervisit to the police to show her sketch, and Paul’s pique about that…but shecouldn’t. Beth would fret, say you shouldn’t have taken the loft, blame herselffor showing it to them in the first place.
Just hang in there, Liddy told herself, andpaced, punching numbers on her phone.
Frankie the Sheetrock guy complained thatthe Con Ed guy shouldn’t be there yet, he was in the way. She handled it, then talkedto the painter confused about his paint chips, and the plumber complainingabout the electrician updating the kitchen center island - she had a hard timeunderstanding, the plumber seemed to be speaking mostly Ukrainian - but shehandled it.
Shortly after one she went for what wasprobably her last trip to the local supermarket, where she found herself staringat the red tomatoes. She didn’t need tomatoes, but stood there like a dummy staringat them; had to wrench herself away. Then picked up a few more things and foundherself staring at a red cereal box. A ridiculous product, all sugar and fakecolor and really unhealthy – something they’d never touch – so why was she suddenlyholding it in her hand gazing at it? She caught herself, put it back, got a fewmore things and got out.
Was back at the old place busy unpackingwhen a FedEx package came – café curtains, which she unwrapped
