34
Paul was standing with hisback to her, looking out. Coming closer, Liddy saw his gaze shift from thebuilding across the way to somewhere down the street. Neither of them spoke. Hewore the same troubled look he’d worn since they’d come back to the apartment.
Something was off here. Liddy frowned,looking out, sifting through everything that had happened in this whole, awful night.Something nagged, and she realized it had been nagging from the moment theyleft the restaurant. She looked back to Paul, wanting to gauge his reaction.
“Why did you tell Carl you’d had too muchto drink and couldn’t work tonight?”
His gaze in profile froze. Below, dimly,there was a screech of brakes and someone screamed, but Paul seemed not to notice.Liddy checked. They were okay down there. Up here…
She took a deep breath and her heart speededup. A feeling of anger too, growing, coming back.
“You’re really, seriously worried because wenow know Sasha Perry was Carl’s student. That’s what’s troubling you, isn’t it?You’re afraid I’ll – what? Run to the police?”
“No,” he said softly, but didn’t look ather.
“And if Carl had anything – anything– to do with Sasha’s disappearance, that would be bad for you, right?”
“Bad for us, Lids.”
“Investigations would torpedo your paired triumph.”Her voice shook. “Not just the money but the fame, your name in the sciencejournals – what you’ve struggled for all your life even if there’s somethingbehind it that’s making your wife crazy.”
“No, for God’s sake.”
“What then?” She started to cry.
It came out slowly, in that same soft,sorry voice. “I’ve always sensed…known, really…that you resented myrelationship with Carl. That on some level you were…jealous.”
Liddy gaped at him. “You’re not serious.”
“You’ve never liked him. You resent thatwe’ve been friends for over twenty years.”
“No, you haven’t. You both losttouch for years - only resumed for the research.”
“Carl has helped me more than you know.”
“He’s used you – ever since you werehis boat boy - and nothing’s changed.” A tear slid to the corner of Liddy’smouth. “Sure, he had the Big Pharma connections and got you on board-”
“He could have asked someone else.”
“Oh, but he had his” – she made desperateair quotes – “working relationship with you from way back. Tally the day’snotes, Paul, wouldja? Hey, Paul, I’m bushed, would you do the week’s accounting?Do you not see? Are you still that poor boy saying Oh thanks for letting mescrub your boat, Carl?”
Paul hung his head. Long, wrenching momentspassed; then, like a limp balloon refilling, he raised his head again.
She was surprised. In profile she saw tearsbrimming his large, pleading eyes; his head shook back and forth as if tryingto ward off an emotional storm. “This isn’t about Carl,” he half choked. “It’s…you.I’m just so…scared of what’s going on with you. I’ve tried everything, I don’tknow what to do.”
“Don’t change the subject!”
“You are the subject. You’ve become obsessedwith this missing girl – and now because you dislike Carl you’ve seized on someconnection to him because of something his drunk date said - but you’re notmaking sense.” Paul inhaled raggedly. “You’ve also said you’ve seen her,which means she’s alive and maybe hiding for some damned reason-”
“From him.” Liddy floundered andraised her hands helplessly. “She’d been in drug trouble. Carl’s an M.D. whocan prescribe and…I don’t know, maybe he’s been dealing – and maybe aromance too and she got demanding and threatened to tell…” A terrible thoughthit. “Oh Paul,” Liddy breathed, her eyes sorrowful. “Even if you suspected him…you’dstill cover for him, wouldn’t you?”
“Stop, this is paranoid, oh God...Ican’t…” He threw his arms up, then turned and almost fell into her arms, makingher stagger back with his weight. His chest pulled in a convulsive gasp thatwas expelled in a racking sob.
Liddy held him, anger dissolving as shefelt a new sense of alarm. Now it was him going to pieces? He couldn’t speak. Hissobs were heavy and he clung to her, his face on her shoulder, almost crushingthe wind from her.
“We’re going in circles.” She found herselfconsoling, becoming more alarmed as the awful thought came to her: just whohere is crazy?
At last his sobs became words, incoherentat first, but clearer as his tears began to slow.
“…just want us…the way we were. We hadevery…dream and I want that back. Please, Lids. Don’t damage. Don’t destroy.”
Her breath stopped. Like last night? shethought. Let sleeping dogs lie, in other words? The thought cut her, likesomething cold and sharp.
He straightened, his weight coming off her,his frantic eyes searching hers. “Promise me you’ll get better, and everythingwill be…good, I beg you.”
She returned his gaze wearily, without asmile. “We’re tired, not thinking straight,” she said. “Come to bed.”
She led him, like a child. He was limp fromemotion. She made hushing sounds as she helped him to bed, got into anightgown, climbed in too.
His eyes were squeezed shut before sheturned off the light. After she did, his voice came to her, weakly. “That thingabout Carl is crazy, don’t believe it…”
Because he didn’t want to believe it.
Liddy said nothing, again seeing Nickipushing Sasha’s sketch at Carl as he practically ducked it bleating no, no, he’dnever seen the girl, and Nicki insisted, “But she only audited yourclass – a friend of a friend said so.”
Audited meant there’d be no record. That’s howCarl so easily dodged Kerri.
“You’ll see Minton again?” Paul’s plaintivevoice again. “Twice a week?”
Liddy’s fists tightened. “He’s useless. IfI say nothing he takes notes. I need every minute to catch up on work.”
“Please?”
She sighed, too worn out with her mind blown,knowing that only placating would get this to end. “Maybe,” she finally said.
“Your tone means no.”
“Lemme sleep on it, okay? Let’s both sleepon it.”
Paul mumbled something incoherent. Minutes laterhe was breathing heavily, with little chest-heaving shudders at first, then withbreaths evening out to a steady rhythm.
Liddy lay, staring at the glowing reddigits on her clock.
In the past two hours she’d gone from furyto self-doubting to holding Paul and comforting. How had that happened?
Something she’d cried out to him came back:“Even if you suspected Carl you’d cover for him, wouldn’t you?”
But he’d deflected that, just like lastnight: It’s you that’s crazy, go
