I don’t want to be rude and ask. Part of her has always seemed very young to me – she looks young, for one thing, and is hard-working and inspired, running a crafting business from her own home, which is how she manages to be available to watch Maxim while I’m at the bakery. But another part of her is so responsible and caring that she seems older, if only because she’s so matronly.
“You’re mostly right,” she says. “I never tried to have a baby because I thought I should wait until I found the perfect guy. I’ve since realized that the perfect guy doesn’t exist. And, through you, I’ve learned that a mother’s love is all a baby really needs. But in the meantime, I’ve had issues with my periods and have been diagnosed with a condition that makes conceiving difficult. If I want to have a baby, I’m really running out of time, and I don’t know that it’s even possible.”
She sighs, then says, “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be depressing on Mother’s Day! I really am so happy to have you and Maxim in my life!”
I’m not depressed, but I just feel bad for her, and I’m hoping that talking to me about it makes me her feel better, because she’s helped me so much.
Chapter 10 Jocelyn
“It’s no problem,” I tell Aunt Barbara, still feeling a little shocked, and fixated on this new information I’d just learned about her. “I’m sure there are treatments you could undergo, and even use, you know, sperm donors, on your own…”
“Yeah, I’ve thought about that,” she hastens to add, as I nestle Maxim against my breast for another nursing session.
This boy can eat, and he had started getting fussy, letting me know it was time again.
“I go back and forth, sometimes thinking that I should just wait and see if it’s what fate has in store for me… if I meet any kind of decent man, if we decide we want a baby, you know, the old-fashioned way… but other times, I see how you and I work it out together and I think, well, I could be a modern mother!” my aunt continues. “I could go choose a sperm donor and get IVF. Or I could even use a surrogate or adopt. Those options are expensive but I have savings. The business has done well with its online Etsy orders and there isn’t much for a single woman to spend a ton of money on… other than now that I have Maxim to spoil rotten, of course.”
She coos at him, and he smiles at her, while still nursing.
“He’s very lucky to have you,” I tell her. “And you’re right, you still have time to decide. There’s no rush.”
“Yeah, he’s really all I need, anyway,” Aunt Barbara says, with a resigned yet contended-seeming shrug. “And whenever I start to think about how mean my sister was to you, I just think, well, it’s her loss and my gain, because I love little Maxim! But I know it must be hard for you…”
She trails off again.
“Oh, God. I’m so sorry! It seems I can’t stay away from sad topics today!”
“It’s fine,” I tell her. “Obviously, I was already thinking about my mom, anyway, this being Mother’s Day and all. Can’t really avoid it, so might as well talk about it.”
“True,” she nods.
“I have no idea what made her so evil,” I tell her. “Any insight?”
She hesitates, then sighs, as if her telling me this was long overdue but also as if it’s time.
“Our family has just been through a lot, and I think it turned most of my siblings into assholes. I know you’ve only probably gotten a glimpse of it from Uncle Bob, who has both his good sides and bad, and you’ve certainly seen your share of it from your mom. Our other brother, Steve, is the worst one of all, and things with him are so bad that, as you know, none of us ever see or talk to him. He became an alcoholic and may have drunk himself to death by now, for all I know.”
I nod, sadly thinking it sounded familiar. My mom had her own struggles with the bottle, while lecturing me righteously about never drinking, doing drugs, or having pre-marital sex. I sometimes wondered whether she was in denial about her own problems, or just didn’t want me to repeat them – she had married my dad young, due to being pregnant with me, and they did not have a good marriage.
In fact, they straight up hated each other and only stayed together for the sake of appearances at their church, which didn’t believe in divorce. Now, looking back, I think it was a bit of both but mostly my mom just didn’t want her perfect image being shattered by having a pregnant teenage daughter.
“Our own parents were very cold to us,” Aunt Barb explains, and my ears perk up, because I never knew much about my grandparents on my mother’s side, both of whom are now deceased.
My mom moved away from Pittsburgh when I was a baby because my father was from Bloom and he had only been out here for work. They were closer with his family – who I got the feeling her family had always hated – and didn’t keep in much contact with her own after she left.
“There were alcoholism issues there too, and abuse, and we kids just did what we had to do to survive. Whenever I get mad at your mom – or any of my siblings – I just remind myself that they came from the same awful environment I did, and they can’t really help but be this way,” she
