But the sad reality of the current situation was that shewas without her. It was less than a week until Christmas and Kay hadn’t heardfrom Maddie since late-September when term had started at Durham University.
Durham: one of the places where I could have gone, thoughtKay. It was an opportunity long gone, a ship that had sailed without her in thelong-lost world that was her past.
Why hadn’t she heard from Maddie? For the same reason shehadn’t heard from many other people in the family. Alan had poisoned her mindagainst her. He was very good at doing that.
Kay had seen domestic violence portrayed on television, butAlan was far more subtle than that. He had never laid a finger on her, but bitby bit over time he had ground her down into submission. A little put-downthere, a little bit of freedom taken away there: gradually and almostimperceptibly, he had whittled away her personality and her strength.
Eventually, when he had no more use for her, he had tossedher aside like half an orange, every last drop of juice sucked out of her. Shehadn’t even realised it was happening until it was too late. It was only now,in hindsight, that she could see exactly what he had done to her.
If she had been the victim of domestic violence, at leastshe could have done something about it. She could have gone to the police andgot him locked up. But the types of wounds Alan inflicted left no scars – nonethat could be seen, anyway. Nobody else could see what he had done to her,which quickly became apparent during the break-up.
After he had kicked her out of the marital home, she hadtried to confide in one of her friends, the wife of another couple that the twoof them sometimes socialised with. It was quickly obvious that the woman wasonly paying lip-service to her grievances. She clearly didn’t believe what Kaywas saying, and why would she? Alan was always so charming and so reasonablewith everyone he met. He dressed smartly and always said and did the rightthing. It was an act he put on for the world and one he had long ago perfected.No one saw what really went on behind closed doors.
Kay was determined to try and make sense of it all in hermind. She was never going to sort herself out until she could come to termswith how she had ended up in this situation in the first place. She thoughtback, far back into the past, to the time just before she had met Alan. Whathad led her to be so easily taken in by him?
She had met him in the spring of 1995 when she was nineteenyears old and on her gap year while she decided which university she was goingto. She had a number of offers on the table. With her grades and sparklingrecommendation from the school, they were all happy to defer her entry for ayear.
She never made it. A chain of seemingly random events anddecisions over the preceding months had led her to fall into a relationshipwith Alan. From then on he had ensured that the door leading to highereducation was slowly and quietly closed.
Around the time she had left school the previous summer shehad lost her virginity with a Jack the Lad character called Glen. He turned outto be her first, but certainly not the last, seriously bad choice of man.
She hadn’t really wanted to go out with him in the firstplace, much preferring his friend Richard, but Glen had told her that Richardwas gay and muscled his way in instead. What he had said about Richard waseventually revealed to have been a lie, many years later.
Before long, she had good reason to seriously regret gettinginvolved with Glen. Before Christmas of the same year she had fallen pregnant.A few weeks after they had been going out, Glen refused to use condoms anymore,claiming that he was allergic to them. He insisted that she go on the Pillinstead. Somehow during the crossover period she had conceived.
Far from being supportive, Glen had ordered her to “get ridof it”, informing her that he had no intention of becoming a dad at his age.She was left in no doubt whatsoever as to the ultimatum she was facing – it washim or the kid.
He was no help to her whatsoever during the whole process.Then, once her baby was dead, he promptly turned around and dumped her anyway.Not long after that she discovered he had been sleeping with at least two othergirls behind her back for months. This included the very day when she washaving the abortion, when he had claimed he couldn’t get the day off work. Shelater found out that he had actually been busy in bed with a barmaid from YeOlde Chapel, no doubt spinning the same bullshit about being allergic to latex.
Losing a baby and being let down at such a tender age hitKay hard. The feeling of invincibility that her youth and early academicsuccess had given her was stripped away by the whole sordid state of affairs.Real life had come right up in front of her and well and truly slapped her inthe face.
In the dark winter months of early 1995, she sank into herfirst and only bout of teenage depression. She had been working flat out in theweeks leading up to Christmas in a temporary job at the local sorting office,but it was only seasonal work. Once all the Christmas post was sorted and sentshe was no longer needed. Now she found herself lacking the desire to seek morework and barely left the house in January and February.
As the nights drew out and the weather got warmer, shepicked herself up and dusted herself down. She was determined not to waste therest of her year off. With Glen out of the way, she could at least now revisither earlier plans to go travelling. But not earning any money for the first twomonths of the year had put a dent in her finances.
Needing to earn some decent money to finance her plans, shedecided to
