As the last of the sun disappeared beneath the horizon, hesaw a white-clad figure walking up the same path he had taken from the beach.Just after he laid eyes on her, the opening bars of Mendelssohn’s “WeddingMarch” began to play out all around him. He had no idea where from, as hecouldn’t see any speakers: perhaps they were concealed inside the trees.
Josh thought he had made a reasonable attempt to look thepart, dressing in a smart, grey suit he had found while rummaging through thevilla’s extensive wardrobe. However, the effort Vanessa had gone to had takenit to a whole new level.
Even though he now found everything the woman said or didtotally repulsive, he couldn’t help but be mildly impressed by her appearance.She had gone the whole hog with the wedding dress. It was full-length with aparticularly revealing neckline and a pleated waist. The material lookedextremely expensive. At a guess, Josh would say it was Chantilly lace.
The whole thing was topped off with a veil and a tiara that,as she got closer, Josh could see was full of precious stones. Her hair andmake-up were also immaculate. He knew she couldn’t have possibly organised allthis by herself, but now his memory of time travel had returned, he realisedthat was how she must have done it.
“Wow, you look amazing,” he uttered, adding, “I’m such alucky man.”
He couldn’t believe how corny and false this sounded, butshe still lapped it up. How could such a ruthless businesswoman be so easilyfooled? Perhaps love really was blind.
The music stopped just as she reached him, leaving the onlysounds around them the crackle of the fire and the clicking of insects in theundergrowth that always became active around this time of night.
She lifted her veil and smiled at him.
“Shall we say our vows now?” she suggested, handing him acard with the whole ceremony written out.
“Obviously there’s no minister, but we can improvise,” sheadded.
Over the next few minutes Josh went through the motions withher as they read the traditional vows, for richer or poorer and in sickness andin health. He wasn’t fazed by saying any of this. The whole thing was a shamand didn’t mean a thing to him, but it clearly meant everything to her, the wayshe was gazing adoringly at him throughout.
“I now pronounce us man and wife,” she stated at the end ofthe vows, adding, “You may now kiss the bride.”
She leaned towards him. It looked like he had no choice butto comply. Where the hell was Henry? He had better hurry up, because Josh hadno desire to go any further with this.
The kiss was truly horrible. He remembered what he had saidbefore about kissing a serpent and it was literally like that, as her tonguesnaked aggressively into his mouth. Why did some women do that? He hated it.Kissing was something you did with the lips, not the tongue, as far as he wasconcerned. And in this case, he would rather not be kissing her at all: it madehim want to vomit.
“Say, why don’t we skip the reception and the speeches andgo straight to the honeymoon,” she suggested, pushing him slowly backwards andthen easing him down gently towards the ground. As soon as he was prone on hisback, she straddled him, white dress billowing out all around her as he felther reaching down and fumbling for his zip.
“Steady on,” he said, hoping that whatever Henry wasplanning to do, he was going to hurry up and do it. “Let’s not rush things.”
“I can’t help it, I’m so hot for you,” she replied. “I’vewaited such a long time for this.”
This was going too far. She had him pinned down on theground right where she wanted him, but there was no way he was going throughwith this. If Henry wasn’t going to stop her, then he was going to have tofight her off himself.
Her eyes were full of lust as she leaned down to kiss himagain, trying to wriggle her hand inside his flies. He couldn’t let this go anyfurther. Thankfully, just as he was about to push her off, she violentlylurched forward and rolled off him.
Josh looked up and clocked Henry, standing behind her,wearing Army camouflage and carrying a large lump of what looked like driftwoodin his right hand.
“Howzat!” exclaimed Henry. “And that’s why we always beatyou Poms in the Ashes!”
“You could have got here a bit sooner,” said Josh. “And youcould have warned me about her kissing technique. It was like having a snaketrying to force its way down my throat.”
“Ah yeah, I had forgotten about that,” said Henry. “It’s along time since I’ve had the unpleasant experience of kissing her.”
He patted his makeshift cricket bat which looked like asolid lump of good old English oak. “I found this on the beach earlier. I thinkit’s part of the keel of a ship that washed up in these parts a few years ago.”
“You know, I would have thought one of the most brilliantscientists in the world could have come up with a slightly more sophisticatedweapon than a plank of wood,” remarked Josh.
“Effective, though, wasn’t it?” replied Henry. “I couldn’trisk firing a weapon, could I? I might have ended up hitting you. Otherwise Icould have just vaporised her from a distance.”
“Would you go that far?” asked Josh. “To kill her?” He lookeddown at her unconscious body.
“I think we still should, before she comes around,” repliedHenry. “She wouldn’t hesitate if the boot was on the other foot. Look at hertrack record!”
“Doesn’t killing her make us no better than her?” askedJosh.
“We’ve no choice,” said Henry, looking down at the woman hecould hardly believe he had once been foolish enough to marry. She was out coldbut still breathing.
“The job’s only half done,” insisted Henry. “We can’t lether wake up. There is no knowing
