“It’s just you and me, little one,” he whispered quietly into the air. “Just you and me. God help us.”
Unsure what to do, Braxton shoved his hands into his pockets and began to rock back and forth on his heels. A nurse stepped beside the bassinet that was labeled GIRL BABY MICHAELS. She placed the pacifier into his daughter’s mouth and then turned toward the window before pointing at him and then to his daughter. Braxton nodded yes in acknowledgment, proud to claim her as his. The nursed headed to the double doors on the far right and Braxton made his way over to her.
She stood at the entrance. “Mr. Michaels?”
“Yes, I’m Braxton Michaels.”
She held a scanner in her hand. “Can I see your wristband?”
Braxton raised his arm, extending it toward her so she could scan the plastic bracelet. An older nurse had placed it on his arm earlier as she explained the hospital’s visiting process. Without Alissa, he didn’t have a hospital room to have his daughter brought to but he could spend time in the nursery with her.
“She’s doing remarkably well. She’s showing a little respiratory distress, so that’s why we have her on extra oxygen. Did they inform you that she’ll be here a couple of days while they run some blood cultures?”
Braxton couldn’t find the words to respond, so he shook his head to indicate his answer.
She must have picked up on his nervousness, because she continued in a reassuring voice. “It’s pretty standard when the mother has had a fever. We want to rule out the possibility that there could be any sepsis or infection. Based on what I’ve read, I’m sure your fiancée’s fever was likely a symptom of the placental abruption and not the cause of it.”
She placed her hand on Braxton’s forearm. “How about we introduce you to your daughter?”
Braxton raised his head, his eyes meeting hers. “I’d really like that,” he told her. “How long can I visit for?”
She smiled at him. “The NICU is open twenty-four hours so aside from when we do our shift change, you are welcome to stay as long as you want. Come and go as you please.”
Braxton followed as she led him toward his daughter. She turned to address him as they walked. “But remember, you have to take care of yourself as well, Mr. Michaels.”
Braxton pulled up a chair and sat beside his daughter’s bassinet, staring down at her. Her green eyes were mesmerizing. Her little pink lips suckled on her pacifier as she stared at him. It felt as though she was looking into his soul, and he was frightened of what she may see.
Braxton looked around the room, ensuring no one was close by before he spoke to her. “Hey there, beautiful. It’s me, Dad. Do you recognize my voice? I talked to you every night so that you’d know you weren’t alone inside your mommy’s tummy.”
The pacifier moved up and down. She blinked a few times before she turned her eyes away to stare at the ceiling again. Braxton was unsure of what to do, so he did nothing. He sat there and he held her tiny hand between his fingers while brushing his thumb over it. Then he silently prayed to God—a God he’d rarely asked anything of before today.
Bending his head, he closed his eyes and asked for things he had no business asking.
Dear God, please give me guidance. I’ve never been good at taking care of myself, or even Alissa, so now what do I do with this precious gift you’ve given me?
What if I fail her? How will I know if I’m doing what needs to be done to protect her? I don’t have the instincts that a mother has. And I have no mother to ask questions of. This baby deserves better than me.
Give me answers, God. Do I unselfishly give her up to parents who can raise her right? Parents who will love her: where she’ll have the support of a mother and a father?
Tears began to roll down Braxton’s cheeks. He loved her more than anything. She was a part of him, but how could he be what she needed when he didn’t have any idea what that was?
He sat and cried for what seemed like forever until a hand on his shoulder startled him. He instantly reined in his emotions, wiping his face with both of his hands and then drying them on his jeans. Slowly he raised his head to find the nurse from earlier standing next to him.
She smiled at him before she said in a consoling voice, “You’ve got some company outside.” She motioned toward the window. “They’ve been waiting for you to notice them.”
Braxton turned his head to find Paisley and Paxton standing front and center, and his heart skipped a beat. His family were right there, willing to be by his side. Maybe he would be alright.
Chapter 13
Braxton’s hands shook and he fumbled with his keys, trying to get them into the lock. Stop being a pussy, he told himself as he finally unlocked the door and pushed it open. When he’d left the hospital without his precious girl or his fiancée, a piece of him stayed behind. He knew walking into an empty home that would remind him of everything he’d lost would be hard, but he hadn’t imagined it would be this hard.
He was afraid and sweat began to bead at the edge of his hairline as his hands started to shake again. He forced through the door, and an emptiness fell upon him. His home was quiet, too quiet. This is your home; you can do this.
His mind raced, questioning everything about being here alone. Could he live in a home that would remind him of Alissa? A home that had been
