Bea frowned and Clara added, ‘They’ve sold the house and he’s having trouble finding someone who will rent to him until he can find something he wants to buy.’
Bea gave a brief nod. ‘Because of his dog?’ She took a sip of coffee as Clara nodded in return. ‘He adores that dog, doesn’t he? But lots of places up for rent around the city won’t allow pets. He might be at yours longer than you think.’
Clara blinked back the tears that had brimmed in her eyes. ‘I just don’t know what to do to help him.’
They exchanged glances and Clara could tell Bea knew she wasn’t talking about the housing situation or the dog.
Bea gave a thoughtful nod and leaned forward. ‘It’s hard to support your friends emotionally, when you don’t feel safe in that place yourself.’
It was as if someone had just thrown a blanket over her and given her a giant hug. The guilt that had been playing on her mind over these last few weeks finally had a little outlet. She could hardly push her pathetic worries onto Ryan, not when he had so much to worry about himself—it would be selfish of her to try and talk about it. But that glance from Bea felt like enough. Even saying the words out loud felt like a slight easing of the dark cloud that had settled around her.
Her mood had been low recently and she hadn’t really wanted to admit it to anyone. But last week she’d done a postnatal depression questionnaire with a young mum she’d been worried about, and some of the answers to the questions had made her stop and think about how she would answer them. Not that she had a baby, or anything. But just that simple act had made her suck in a breath and take a long, hard look at herself.
‘I should be fine,’ she said determinedly. ‘I should be getting on with things and pulling my life together. I’m not dependent on anyone. I have a good job, my own place. I should be happy.’
‘But you’re not,’ said Bea matter-of-factly. ‘Who are you trying to convince—me, or you?’
Clara heaved in a deep breath. ‘No,’ she admitted, ‘I’m not.’
They sat in silence for a few seconds while Clara thought about what she’d just said out loud. It hadn’t been quite as scary as she’d thought. Maybe it was Bea—maybe it was her intuition and understanding, mixed in with her ability to get straight to the point. Bea didn’t know that Clara had actually taken the step of visiting her own GP a few days ago. Her hand went to her pocket and fastened around the packet of tablets she had in there. She hadn’t decided yet whether to take them or not. She recognised that she probably needed them. When life started to seem a bit black around the edges she knew she had to do something. She couldn’t quite believe how much the young mum’s face had mirrored her own. This conversation was giving her a bit of clarity, a sign. The reassurance that she needed. Her fingers tightened around the meds a little more. She could do this. Depression wasn’t a sign of weakness. Lots of her friends and colleagues in similarly stressful jobs had suffered throughout the years. Recognising it, seeing her GP and accepting the prescription were only the first steps. It was time to take the next one. Clara gave a half-smile and gave Bea a grateful look. ‘I love working with you. You don’t let me get away with anything.’
Bea licked her lips and gave a gentle shake of her head. ‘This conversation isn’t over. I’m not going to let you leave it here. We’re friends—it’s my job to tell you that you need to give yourself a bit of space to decide what you really want in life, Clara. You’re young, you’re a beautiful girl. You’re a great doctor. But is that enough? Maybe you just need a change of scenery. A chance to get away from things.’ She held up her hands. ‘Sometimes we get in a rut. Sometimes we need to try something new.’ She pointed to a flyer on the noticeboard to the side of Clara. ‘Why don’t you think about that?’
Clara wrinkled her nose and turned to look at the slightly crumpled flyer that had been on the board for a few months. She’d seen it but never really given it much thought. It was advertising the opportunity to do a job swap elsewhere in the UK for six months.
She laughed. ‘What are the chances of another paediatric registrar wanting to job swap for six months? And the chances of the job being in a place I might actually want to go?’
Bea stood up and lifted the cups, raising her eyebrows. There was a slight glint in her eye. ‘Well, you won’t know if you don’t try,’ she replied in her mischievous manner, before giving Clara a wink and heading out of the door.
For a few minutes Clara just sat there. She’d actually vocalised how she was feeling, and everything Bea had shot back at her had been true. She wasn’t feeling great, and she couldn’t put her finger on exactly why. There wasn’t one big thing, just a whole host of little things that were bubbling under the surface and giving her a general sense of unhappiness and discontent. She hated that. It made her feel not like herself.
But she didn’t really feel entitled to be unhappy. Most of her friends would give her a list of reasons why she should be delighted with her life, and in most cases they would be right.
But the fact was, she couldn’t help how she was feeling. She slipped the first tablet out of its packaging and swallowed it. There. Baby steps. But maybe she should try something else too?
She bit her lip as she put in all the orders for the tests required for the patients on
