“That’s a great idea,” Nolan said.
It meant a lot that he was so understanding, but I should have mentioned it earlier.
“Hadley seems like a nice woman.”
“I encouraged him to date her.” Nolan’s tone was light and playful. He was intentionally diverting the conversation from Caroline.
“I have a mind of my own, you know,” I said.
“Oh, please. You’d still be contemplating whether it was a good idea to date her at all if I hadn’t pushed you.”
Dad stared intently at me. “Are you ready for a relationship?”
“Trust me. I’m as worried about that as you are—that I’m not ready and I never will be. But what Nolan said stuck with me. What we have feels good and she makes me happy.” That statement sounded immature even to me. It was like she was a toy I couldn’t put down.
Nolan huffed and tried to cover his smile.
“Not like that. I meant she makes me feel something again.” After Caroline died, the pain was a flaming red beacon, bright, all-consuming and crushing. It was all I could see and all I could feel. Then everything turned gray. I was merely existing. I was doing enough to get by so that people didn’t step in and question my sanity. Now, I saw all the colors of life. I appreciated waking up in the morning, the smell of fresh-brewed coffee, the sawdust smell of a job site, and sore muscles after a long day of hard work.
“You’re an adult. You make your own decisions. And if you’re happy, then I am too.” Dad turned back to the grill, placing the steaks and foil-wrapped potatoes on separate serving platters.
“What about you? You dating anyone?” Dad handed Nolan the platter of potatoes.
Nolan laughed. “No. Definitely not.”
“Why is that?” I’d spent so much time focusing on myself in the last few years I’d neglected Nolan. I wanted to know why he seemed to have an aversion to dating. When he raised his brow at me, I said, “You owe me—you’re always in my business.”
Nolan shrugged and opened the sliding door for us to walk back inside. “I’m not interested in anyone.”
Was Nolan afraid of commitment? He’d seen the pain I lived with every day, so I didn’t blame him. But I did feel guilty I wasn’t a better example for him. I’d been so focused on myself I hadn’t stepped in sooner to remind him not all relationships are the same. Plenty of people get married, have kids, and live long lives. But I wasn’t even sure that was the issue. I made a mental note to ask him about it when we were alone.
“We’re eating in the dining room tonight. You can put everything on the table.”
I scanned the room for Hadley. One hip resting against the counter, she listened to a story about when we were kids. A small smile played on her lips and her eyes twinkled. “Tell me more.”
I smiled, relieved Mom wasn’t asking her a lot of questions and making her uncomfortable. “I don’t think we need to go into childhood stories.”
Hadley laughed, her eyes bright with happiness. “Why not? I’m enjoying this.”
All Hadley knew was the man I was now—not the one before Caroline. When I was still a good brother, a good son. I could barely remember who I was before, but my Mom did. She could give Hadley what I couldn’t—a glimpse of better times. “Nothing too embarrassing, Mom.”
I passed through the kitchen and into the dining room with the steak.
“Oh, we’re just getting to the time you ran naked out the front door,” Mom called after me.
“Yeah. We’re just getting to the good part,” Hadley said.
“I was three! Everyone runs around naked when they’re three.” My voice trailed off as Nolan walked in.
“I don’t think we need another woman around. It will be two against three.” His tone was light and teasing while he placed the platter of potatoes on the table.
“I think the odds are still bad even if we outnumber the women.”
“I think so too.” He sighed and we listened to Mom share the time we made a make-shift ramp to jump over the garbage can on our bikes and I broke my arm. We were wild and reckless. We weren’t worried about getting hurt or what the future would bring.
“I told you it would be easier if you brought her.” Nolan lowered his voice, so no one in the kitchen would hear.
“She’s definitely distracting them from asking why it took so long for me to come to family dinner.” Her presence helped. I’d barely thought about Caroline since I’d walked in the door. I was so focused on Hadley being comfortable, I hadn’t had a second to remember. Hadley had filled up all the dark and empty spaces.
“You can’t use Hadley as a buffer. You should smooth things over a bit with Mom and Dad. Explain what was going on with you the last few years.”
“I will.” My jaw tightened. I needed to do it, but I worried about my parents’ reaction.
Nolan studied my face and must have been satisfied with what he saw. “Good.”
“I accepted the meals she cooked, and I listened to her.” Even though what she said hadn’t registered. I wasn’t ready then.
“I think Mom was hurt that you wouldn’t let her be there for you more.”
“I’m here now and things are going to change for the better. I promise.” After I fixed my mess, I’d pay more attention to my parents, Nolan and what was going on in his life, and, maybe, call the friends who’d drifted away over the years.
Mom came in with a pitcher of water, followed by Hadley carrying several glasses. “Here, pass out glasses and pour everyone some water. Beer’s in the fridge and I can open a bottle of wine if you’d like, Hadley.”
“I’d love that.” Hadley set the glasses at each setting. Her face was devoid of any tension.
That sense of rightness that sparked when we’d walked in the door settled in
