She struggled with thoughts of Ved Volden. Who was at fault? Would there ever be closure? Again, she rubbed the scars on her wrist. A lasting reminder of the wrong attempt at closure. Could someone have come to her rescue? Why couldn't she save herself? The questions had loitered in the background for years, kept silent with bottles of wine, but recent events had stirred them, and now the demand for answers increased in volume and had become harder to drown.
She put her head in her hands and pulled at her hair. Was it too early for a drink? No, she thought, if I start I won’t be able to stop. Instead, she fell into a fitful nap, her sleep broken by the terrible twins of guilt and blame arguing inside her as they searched for a place to settle.
Later, after a long shower and a change of clothing, she put on a pair of comfortable shoes and arranged for a taxi to collect her. Knowing their punctuality, Connie and Lucas would be in the restaurant when she arrived.
*
“Yay,” Connie said. “For a while I thought you weren't coming.”
Alice smiled. “Sorry I’m late. I, um, had to talk to Ian.” She turned to Lucas. “Hi Lucas. Long time, eh?”
Lucas stood and embraced her. “Hi, Alice.” His stubble brushed against her cheek as he stooped to kiss her. Lucas had a disarming smile that showed the result of good dental care. Connie always liked a well-groomed partner. Now Connie linked her arm through Lucas’s and pulled at him.
Alice laughed. “Don't worry, Connie. I won't take him.”
Connie leaned into Lucas. “I know you won’t. Nobody will ever take him from me.”
Lucas turned to Connie. “I’ll show you why later...”
“Stop it Luc,” Connie said. But the smile on her face told its own story.
Alice bit her lip and thought she’d made a mistake. “Are you guys on a date night?”
“No,” Connie said.
Lucas kissed Connie on the lips “Always,” he said.
“Don't mind him,” Connie said to Alice. “Come on. I’m hungry.”
They studied the menus at the table, and Alice flipped to the wine pages. “Any preference for wine?”
Lucas waved his hand. “You choose. But not too expensive, huh?”
Connie put her hand on his arm. “Alice knows, Lucas.”
When the waitress took their order, Alice noticed Lucas’s eyes flit to the menu as she ordered an Amarone. His lips thinned and he shook his head.
Halfway through the main course, Alice made to top up her glass, but the bottle was empty. She shook the bottle at Connie. “Another?”
“Sure,” Connie said.
“Um, guys?” Lucas raised his eyebrows. “It’s like Kr800 a bottle.”
Connie rolled her eyes. “It’s okay, Luc. I’ll pay.”
“That’s not the point,” Lucas said. “They’re ripping us off.”
Connie laughed. “Luc’s a leftie. That’s what happened when you work at the university. The student mentality rubs off on you.”
“I’m the Associate Dean of Technology. Hardly a student.”
Connie turned to Alice. “You know what his salary is?”
“Really, Connie?” Lucas asked.
“It’s okay,” Alice said. “You don't have to say.”
Connie called the waitress over and motioned to the wine. “Another please.”
Alice shrunk back in her seat and wished she was back in Portobello, sitting at her kitchen counter. She wouldn't have to listen to all the banality. The price of a bottle of wine. Or how much anyone earned. Or how obviously happy and content Connie was with Lucas. And they could keep their bedroom antics to themselves. Alice didn't want to know.
In these circumstances, with everything so nice, so mundane, how could Alice pose the question she’d wanted to ask for years? Alice’s gaze swept around the restaurant. Couples and groups occupied every table. More people sat at the bar, biding their time with elaborate looking cocktails. Her eyes swivelled back to a table in the corner. The guy looked familiar. He looked towards her with a faint smile. Then she gasped and jerked her head away.
“Alice?” Connie asked. “You okay?”
“I... No. I don't think so.” Alice picked up her glass and drained the last of the wine.
Connie leaned in. “What?”
“The guy in the corner. With the blue shirt. I think it’s one of them.”
“One of who?” Lucas asked.
Connie raised her hand at Lucas.
The empty glass trembled in Alice’s hand. She went to set it down but misjudged the movement and the glass fell over. It rolled to the edge of the table, but Connie reached out and caught it before it fell. Connie looked Alice in the eye and gave an almost imperceptible nod.
Alice took a deep breath. “I think it’s Jesper Gronning.”
Connie whispered something into Lucas’s ear, and he left the table. She reached to take Alice’s hand in hers. Connie blinked back a tear and squeezed Alice’s hand. “I was never certain what happened in Ved Volden. I suspected. But I convinced myself otherwise. I lied to myself. And I never asked. Never tried to talk to you. I thought that was how you wanted it and that eventually you would, you know, when the time was right.” Connie closed her eyes and shook her head. “This is a conversation we’ve postponed for too long. I always… I thought it was... Now I see it wasn’t. Oh my God. I’m so, so sorry.”
“You couldn't know, Connie. It was my fault. The whole thing was my fault. Everything that...”
The waitress came back and opened the wine with a wide smile that disappeared when she looked from Connie to Alice. She left the open bottle and hurried from the table. Connie filled up their glasses and Alice continued. “The two of them, Jesper Gronning and Thorsten Pederson, they…” Alice looked down to the floor.
