I wouldn’t go back to high school for anything, even if the Brian stuff hadn’t happened. I resented my teachers and the overall uncertainty I had within myself. The one thing I do miss, with intensity at times, is the newness of life. The electricity of a new person’s hand dancing at your back. That thumping of your heart before a first kiss. The excitement in your gut. The flutter.
When you’re older, the newness is gone forever. I love Danny, and he loves me. Our relationship is mature and stable and passionate. But the one thing it is not, and never will be again, is new. Every moment is tried, every sensation is familiar. I’d rather experience a predictable life with him than the thrill of a stranger, which is why we’re married. But sometimes I think of that flutter, acknowledge it would be nice to feel it again.
“Want to help me replenish the snack table?” Marge asks when she walks past.
“Sure,” I say, following her across the room. We exit the gymnasium and enter the quiet hallway. The roaring party clashes against the quiet halls. The change is almost eerie.
“I’ve stored the food in Mr. Walsh’s room,” she says, taking the lanyard off her neck and picking the appropriate key.
As she’s about to press the latch, we hear a clatter from the other end of the hall. The empty corridors make the sound echo. Teenage giggling follows. We stop, startled, and look in the direction from where the sound came. Because the door around the corner is locked, the hallway leads to a dead end.
“Come on out,” Marge yells. “We know someone is back there.”
Darcy and Adam step around the corner. Darcy puts her hands behind her back, and even from several feet away I can tell she’s smiling. She’s wearing a slinky purple dress with a slit that stops mid-thigh.
“What are you two doing in the halls?” Marge shouts, her voice thundering down the hollow corridor.
“We were just visiting my locker,” Adam yells. His tall frame hovers over Darcy. He’s more cautious than she is; he wouldn’t want any misbehavior to interfere with athletics.
“Yeah, Ms. Helton,” Darcy adds. She sounds noticeably less concerned. “We weren’t doing anything wrong.”
The way she says it makes me think they were precisely doing something wrong. Darcy moves her hands forward, showing she’s not holding anything. Adam’s hands are also bare. Maybe they’re just roaming the halls because they know they’re not supposed to.
“All right,” Marge shouts. “This is your warning. Get back in the gym and do not leave.”
They shuffle back into the crowded gymnasium, Darcy’s giggle trailing.
Marge unlocks Mr. Walsh’s classroom door and looks back at me. Her stern look drops, and she laughs. “Kids, huh? No telling what they were doing back there.”
“Who knows,” I say, eyeing the platters of croissants and pinwheels. My stomach rumbles, and I decide I might need a second serving once we return to the dance. “Let’s get the food in there and keep a better eye on the doors.”
“Yeah,” Marge says. “I’ll radio one of the security guys and tell them to patrol the halls, make sure no one else has slipped away.”
When we re-enter the dance, the music is louder, and the air stuffier. I check my watch. Students won’t stay much longer. They’ll be off to whatever after-party has been orchestrated, because no teenager is going to call it a night at 9 p.m., especially when they’re wearing an expensive dress and makeup.
Across the room, I see Melanie is still gooey-eyeing the tall boy from earlier. She looks weak in the knees going on head over heels. Even when it comes to romance, Melanie is an overachiever. Maybe a fling would help her not be so highly strung about academics.
That’s how I felt when Danny re-entered my life, like the load I’d been carrying was suddenly lifted. Before him, every person in my path was someone I had to keep at a distance; Danny already knew my darkest secrets and biggest regrets. I could finally breathe again.
I lightened Danny’s load, too. When we reconnected, he was halfway through medical school. His parents were starting to develop health problems of their own. He needed an excuse to be happy as much as I did. We no longer carried the hardships of life alone. Thanks to Brian, we’d both already experienced our share.
At the food table, I see Ben covering his plate with the replenished appetizers. Beside him stands Zoey, holding a plastic cup. Her white dress catches my eye in the sea of colors. A third student, Darcy, is standing with them. Her mouth is moving fast, and her hand is swooshing in the air. Zoey’s arms are crossed, and she’s listening intently to whatever Darcy has to say. I wonder what they’re talking about and why, although it’s hard to be certain from across a crowded room, Zoey looks so irritated.
Another minute passes, and Darcy’s on the dance floor. Adam stands in front of her, wrapping his arms around her neck. Ben remains by the food table, stuffing his face. Zoey, standing beside him, keeps staring in Darcy’s direction. Her eyes leave Darcy and land on me. When she sees I’m watching her, she smiles and waves. As though someone slid a finger down the back of her dress and pushed a button. Brian used to do that; he could change his demeanor in a split second. I see parts of him in her, and it’s startling. I wave back.
As I exit the crowded parking lot, I’m thankful for how far I’ve come. For years, I didn’t know if I’d ever find normalcy. Brian had taken that from me. Time brought ordinary back, something you don’t even know to miss until it’s gone. Danny helped, too. Tonight, I feel more thankful for him than usual as I pull into the driveway. When I walk inside, I see he’s taken the
