“We know each other from SCU,” Brian explained.
“I don’t live far from here,” Mila said, ignoring Brian and looking at me. “About an hour away.”
“Nice,” I said. I looked away from her and back at Brian. “Did you want to start the movie?” It was obvious he needed an escape.
“I need to get inside,” Brian said, scratching the back of his head. “Have a good break, Mila.”
He walked past her and up the front steps. I could tell Mila wasn’t ready for their conversation to end but felt helpless in my presence.
“Won’t I see you?” Mila shouted. She cleared her throat, clearly embarrassed. “I mean, I’ll be around.”
“I’ll give you a call,” Brian said, before disappearing inside the house.
Mila turned to me. She was gorgeous, albeit clingy. “Nice meeting you,” she said. Her voice was smooth and confident, the opposite of the behavior she’d just exhibited.
“Goodnight,” I said, following Brian back into the house. I shut the door and locked it.
“What was that?” I asked.
“Don’t worry about it,” Brian said, his hand still on the back of his neck. “She’s a friend from school.” The word friend wasn’t as convincing as he wanted it to be.
“A friend you don’t want to see during Christmas break?” I walked back to the table and sat. I took a sip of my replenished cider.
“Exactly,” he said. He followed me. “So, what movie do you want to watch?”
“What’s going on with you?” I asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You just seem so… different.” I didn’t know how else to describe his behavioral changes.
“I think I’m just happy,” Brian said. He stared at me, and a flicker of the old Brian returned. That hopeless, unexplainable stare. Then he smiled. “What’s so different about me?”
“Well, you’re interacting with me, for one. Inviting me to visit your campus.”
“I’m just trying to be nice.” He looked at me. “I get I wasn’t always the nicest to you when I lived here.”
My mind flashed to all the times Brian had hurt me, physically and emotionally. At least the memorable ones. It was hard to imagine that Brian had been expunged in a matter of months. “You were worse than not nice,” I said.
“I know.” Brian looked at the table, still holding the hot cider in his hands. “I think I’ve grown up a lot in a short amount of time.”
“How?” I asked. “How does someone terrorize their little sister at every turn, attend a couple of frat parties and then change?”
“College has given me space to process things. I don’t think I ever had that here. It was always so suffocating.” He looked around the perfectly decorated room.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “You always got your way here.”
“I don’t know how to say it, Della. I always felt like I was looking for something. Some purpose or meaning in life. I never found it, so I took my frustrations out on you and others. I was my own worst enemy.” He looked at me with honest eyes. “Whatever it is, I found it at SCU. I’m happy there, which makes me happier here.”
I envied his freedom. We carry weight throughout life. It’s given to us by parents and bosses and teachers. They burden us with rules and expectations. We’re told it’s a good thing to have all these responsibilities. All this stability. Our development would be all off-whack, otherwise. Just hearing him talk, whether he sounded pretentious or not, I knew his weight had been lifted. In a matter of weeks, Brian had given up that load. Started his own path.
“Mom was hurt when you didn’t visit for Thanksgiving.”
“I know.” He looked down and wiped his mouth. “I was close to coming in but the thought of enduring another holiday in suburbia about made me sick. I needed more time. I’m happy to be home now.”
I nodded, not quite believing.
“Listen,” he continued. “I want to tell you I’m sorry. I know I was mean to you growing up. I was emotionally absent. I was just being a kid, but it probably didn’t feel that way to you. It probably really hurt you.”
“It did,” I whispered. The closest I’d come to acknowledging that hurt was with Dad. Man, I missed him.
“I’m sorry for being an asshole,” Brian said. “I know I made your life hell and I’m sorry for that, too. I’d like things to be different now.”
“Thank you,” I said.
I so desperately wanted to believe him, that change could be that easy. If it were, I wished he’d changed years ago. Maybe I wouldn’t have wasted time feeling inadequate, living in the shadows. If he’d just shared a little bit of his light.
Thirty-Two
Now
I feel like I’m marching toward my execution. When I opened Pam’s office door and saw Principal Bowles, I didn’t interrupt a friendly discussion. Something in the way Pam averted her eyes and Bowles stared in disgust made me think they were discussing me, and I was dreading finding out what it was about.
The door to Principal Bowles’ office is wide open, waiting for me to come inside. He’s already standing behind his desk.
“Close the door,” he says.
I do, taking a seat in front of his desk. I don’t say anything, waiting for him to tell me what this impromptu meeting is about.
“Pam and I wanted to speak with you together,” he says, taking a seat. He hasn’t looked at me since I sat down, and still doesn’t. “Considering you showed up to her office with Darcy Moore, I’m guessing it’ll be just the two of us.”
“All right,” I say, not yet knowing whether I need to defend my actions. The feeling I have isn’t good.
“Marge Helton came by my office this morning. She wanted me to know what you had told her about Zoey Peterson.”
Marge went to Bowles with my concerns about Zoey? I can’t believe it. I was reaching out to her as a friend, and
