“She said you’ve been reprimanded at work over this Zoey student. When I asked you about Zoey last week, you said the situation was resolved. You lied to me.” He recoils from my touch, and I’m not sure if it’s from anger or hurt. “Tell me what’s going on, Dell. Tell me everything.”
Danny likes order. He likes routine. We have a happy life together. Now I feel like all that is slipping away. I look down and shake my head. “I’ve already told you about Zoey.”
“You think she might have attacked a student at a party.”
“Danny, I know I’m right about this. Darcy admitted more details about her attack. She admitted she remembers someone stabbing her. And I know Zoey is the one who did it. I just know it.”
“Pam said you’ve been questioning Zoey’s former guidance counselors. She said you even visited her mother.”
“I’m trying to find the proof you all so desperately need,” I shout. I begin to cry, knowing I sound unhinged but trusting I’m right.
“This is impacting your job. Principal Bowles removed Zoey from your classroom. Why wouldn’t you tell me all this was going on?”
“Pam had no right to call you. She’s not helping.” First Marge betrayed me, now Pam. I can’t believe she would drag Danny into this. She must think I’m more unstable than I realized.
“She’s worried about you.”
“I’m not the person people should be worried about. If you could only see this kid! The way she acts. The way she manipulates people. She’s just like Brian!”
I said it. The word that’s more catastrophic in our household than a slew of curse words combined. Brian never left either one of us, but we’ve pushed him to the corners, kept him quiet all these years. Zoey brought him back.
“I’m not saying you’re wrong—”
“Yes, you are. Everyone thinks I’m wrong. Just like last time. Do you know how many times I tried to tell someone how awful Brian was?” Tears come in full force, so heavy my words land in indecipherable thuds. “I tried to tell Mom. I tried to tell teachers.”
Danny places a hand on my shaking shoulders. “Della, I know.”
“I tried to tell you!” I shout, pushing his hand away. And there it is. The sentence I’ve never said. The pain I’ve never let him see. He didn’t believe me either. It’s like I’m feeling that rejection all over again.
“He was a kid,” Danny whispers. “I was a kid. You have no idea how many times I’ve thought about our conversation after the funeral. If I’d not lashed out at you. If I’d listened. If I’d tried talking to Brian.” For the first time, I notice the pain he’s been keeping secret all these years, too. His anger with himself. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen. How was I supposed to know my best friend was a monster? None of us knew what we were dealing with.”
“I did. I knew there was something wrong then. And I know there is something wrong now.”
“I believe you,” he says. “But it worries me you’d hide all this from me.”
“I already feel crazy when I go to school. I don’t want to feel it here, too.”
“I’ve never called you crazy. Not once. That’s what hurts the most. That you’d rather lie to me than be honest.”
“I didn’t want to lose you.”
“You could never lose me. I trust your instincts, Della. You might be right about Zoey, but this isn’t your battle to fight. It can’t be.” He moves closer, touching my stomach. “Leave it to someone else.”
“No one else sees. Am I supposed to just wait around for her to do something else? Hurt someone else?”
Danny shakes his head. He doesn’t have an answer, but he’s more concerned about my safety than he is Zoey’s potential violence. “I know it doesn’t seem fair.”
“You know what happened last time because I didn’t act fast enough!” I cry hard and fast, realizing all these years later I still haven’t forgiven myself. “How can we live in a world that recognizes danger and does nothing to prevent it? Why do we wait for lives to be ruined? For lives to be taken?”
“Because sometimes that’s all we can do.” He looks at me, tears in his eyes. “And nothing that happened was your fault, Dell. It was all his.”
Lacking a compelling response, I quit talking. I stand. This time when Danny reaches for me, I welcome his comfort. I lean into him, allowing him to think I’m sharing my pain with him. I am, partially. But I’m also holding back. I know part of what he says is right. There isn’t much I can do about Zoey. But I also know I can’t sit back and wait. Not this time.
Thirty-Five
Spring 2006
I could barely keep my eyes open during first period. Things didn’t improve after lunch. I felt tired and sluggish. Every twenty minutes or so, my mind would wander back to the missing girls. I still found it odd Brian hadn’t mentioned them. It seemed like a topic he’d love to discuss. He might even exaggerate details to startle me. I’m thinking of the old Brian, I told myself. He’d changed. He’d grown up. But even though our relationship had altered in recent months, I couldn’t shake an entire childhood’s worth of bad memories
After school, I tried calling him. I thought I’d ask him about the girls directly. I didn’t want to admit to hearing about them from Danny; I didn’t want Brian to know his old best friend was now my new one. Brian didn’t answer, so I plugged my phone into its charger and stretched out on the sofa to take a nap.
But the missing girls wouldn’t leave me alone. I sat up and exhaled in frustration. I spotted our bulky desktop across the room. It belonged to Dad and no one used it now. Few class assignments required internet access, and if they did, I took advantage of the computers at
