His jaw clenched but he turned around and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him hard. My hands shook and I lowered myself to the bed. I was tired of this fighting constantly, not just with Arthur but with nearly everyone I came in contact with.
I was tired of feeling like someone was always out to get me, to use me in their own plans.
I was tired of being this new me. When I was an orphan, no one ever gave a shit about me. They didn’t want anything from me, well usually not, anyway, and I was free to be my own person. That had been the dream when I graduated as well, yet here I was, trying to navigate through waters I didn’t understand.
With help from people I didn’t understand.
Royce had been right though, in telling me to mind my time around Arthur. He had grown super possessive since he had found out about my true identity, like he was protecting me from everyone when he needed to protect me from himself.
There was still an ulterior motive there, as there was with Royce. Max was the only one who had not revealed any sort of motive yet.
I knew it was coming though. They all needed me, but for all the wrong reasons.
The door opened suddenly, and I raised my head, meeting Johanna’s eyes. “What’s wrong?” she asked, shutting the door behind her. “I saw Arthur nearly tear off the head of a freshman that bumped into him in the hallway. Did you fight again?”
“It’s fine,” I said, fighting back the emotion in my voice. I was going to stick to my original plan and not share everything with her, in case I needed to break away in the future. “The usual.”
She didn’t look convinced. “You can tell me, you know. I’m not like the kings.”
I waved a hand at her, forcing a smile. “Seriously, it’s fine. I’ll be all right. Are you ready for supper?”
Johanna rolled her eyes. “Dinner, Anna. No one says supper around here.”
I breathed an inward sigh of relief, the tension easing off for now. Johanna wasn’t going to push, but I knew she would start to fish, especially if word got out about me meeting Royce for lessons as well.
I wasn’t ready to explain anything to anyone, not even her.
**
The next morning, I took myself to the library, needing some time alone. The curator was seated at his desk as he always was, and he gave me a friendly wave. “Miss Komita, what can I help you with today?”
I pushed my bag up on my shoulder. “Nothing, really. I’m just coming to hide out.”
He grinned, gesturing toward the chair in front of the desk. “Then sit, lassie, and have a moment to hide. No one comes in here unless they are forced to do so or need some advice anyway.”
I took that seat, dropping my bag on the floor. “I’ve always loved the smell of old books. Sometimes I think I was destined to become a librarian.”
He chuckled. “Tis a fine job, but I wouldn’t want anyone to waste their life away in a library when they are destined for so much more.”
I looked at him. “Have you heard something I haven’t?”
The curator winked at me. “Of course. This castle has ears, you know. There are no secrets here, no matter how much you try to hide them.”
I sighed. Of course there weren’t. “What do you think I should do then? Everyone has their own opinion, but no one has given me a good one yet.”
“I think,” he started, tapping his wrinkled finger to his chin. “That you have to make that decision, lassie. There is always gonna be someone who is not happy with your decision, I can promise you that. But they do not have to live the life you choose. Only you have to do so, and you might as well make it one that you enjoy.”
“But what if I make the wrong decision?” I asked in a small voice, wanting to pull my legs up in the chair and pretend that the curator was a member of my family, like a kindly old grandfather who gave great advice. I’d never had a grandfather before, or really anyone save Sarah to give me any advice that mattered.
Somehow, I felt like the curator was great at giving out advice.
“We all make wrong decisions,” he said after a moment, a kind smile on his face. “We have all done things that we aren’t proud of, lass. I know I have. Ah, the things I would like to take back! But that’s not how life works. We live and we learn. We make a mistake and we move on, learn from it, become stronger.”
My cheeks flushed as I thought about how many times I had thrown Arthur’s mistake in his face, embarrassed to think that I had made him relive it repeatedly because he had hurt my feelings. It was wrong to do so. I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me, yet I was doing it to him.
What if Arthur was truly trying to do what was best? How did I know it wasn’t?
“I can see the conflict in your expression, lass,” the curator said softly. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m sure they deserved it.”
His words made me laugh. “Well, maybe not to the extent they are getting it now. You know you really should charge for this therapy.”
“Och, lass, you are making my head swell. Off with you! You shouldn’t be spending your time in a dusty library or with an old man like me!”
I stood, grabbing my bag. “Some days it’s the best company.”
The curator waved me off
