“When Adam and Eve fucked up, God kicked them out of paradise. He took everything they had and exiled them to the desert, cursed them with mortality, bestowed upon them everything that sucks about being human. Did they learn their lesson? No! But, even after one of their kids committed fucking fratricide, God decided to give humanity a chance…a chance that we blew.
“When it came time to do something about it, God decided to only punish those that deserved it. So, he had Noah build an ark. God wiped out everyone but the righteous, hoping Noah’s descendants would follow God’s will. They didn’t. They fucked up again. They murdered each other, fornicated with each other’s wives, built shrines to false gods, and even enslaved each other. They undid everything God had accomplished with the great flood.
“God then figured…maybe I’ve made things too complicated for these idiots. Maybe if I narrow it down to ten simple rules, things will get better, so God chose Moses to free the Jews, and take them to a place where the rules could be explained all in one shot…and on the way there…you guessed it…they fucked up! So, God had them wander for forty years, so the ones that fucked up would die off, leaving their children to pick up the torch.
“That seemed to work…for a while…until the Jews' spiritual leaders, the pharoses, started to get too self-important. Satan heard his dinner bell ring. With him whispering in their ears, the pharoses did deals with the pagan Roman Empire, preached a hierarchy of those deserving God’s grace, and as a result, got fat and rich off of God’s chosen people. This happened slowly and insidiously over thousands of years. That’s the Devil at work, Detective Gomez. That was his first major attempt at taking the world from God…second if you count the snake and apple thing, but that was only two people so…easily handled.
“But I’m getting off point again.
“When it was all on the brink of turning on itself, God came up with a plan, and it was a simple one. He impregnated Mary, and, when the boy born of the divine union was old enough, God went to his subjects and said ‘Okay! You see that guy? Do what he does! I can’t make it any simpler than that!’ and, with the apostles leading the way, we fucked that up too!”
Philip took a sip of water.
“But God loves us so much that he’s given us a route back to paradise. All we have to do is acknowledge that we’re fuck-ups and atone, all the while doing our best to follow Christ’s example.
“Detective Gomez, if someone were to tell you that you could give everyone on Earth a trip to Heaven that they don’t deserve, and all you have to do is suffer the most excruciating death imaginable, would you do it?”
Ernie’s answer was simple and honest.
“I don’t know.”
“I would. You bet your ass I would. That’s Christianity! It isn’t crossing yourself. It isn’t taking Communion once a week. It isn’t eating fish on Fridays for a couple months out of the year, and certainly isn’t wiping your slate clean through the retarded and futile exercise that the Catholics call confession! I kid you not, detective, (finger quotes) ‘Confession’ is the cherry on top of Satan’s sundae.
“You push your grandmother down the stairs, walk into a box, tell a priest about it, then you’re given some friendly advice along with a meaningless act of attrition, and you’re sent on your way clean of all wrong-doing in God’s eyes?? There are no words to describe how messed up that is. Bullshit doesn’t cover it; horseshit doesn’t cover it; garbage, nonsense, completely fubar; tell me the word, and I’ll use it!
“It’s a distortion of the worst kind. God’s love has, does, and always will manifest itself in His forgiveness. But you have to repent…not ‘confess’…repent! You have to throw yourself on God’s mercy, take whatever Earthly punishment you are due, do the best you can to right your wrong, and be truly, deeply, honestly sorry for it. ‘Confession’ requires no remorse; all you have to do is say what you did out loud…to a priest. You don’t get to confess directly to God, no no no, you confess to a priest. You pray to a saint, and you confess to a priest. Are you starting to see it, Detective Gomez?”
Ernie remained still, silent, and expressionless.
“Can you see how Satan wins two ways with this system? One, he makes it easier to sin. Two, his servants know your secrets. Hold on. I’m sorry; ‘servant’ is too harsh a word. I don’t believe lowly priests know what they’re doing. They serve The Devil, obliviously. That’s pretty obvious. I don’t know at what point in their ascension through the ranks they’re told the truth. I would guess at some point before they make Cardinal. Lowly priests are just parts of a corrupt system. That’s why I’ve left them alone.
“People get up in arms about molested children and the cover-ups that occur as a result, but there’s a bigger picture here. People wonder how the diocese can let a priest stay in the church after such a thing happens. People stare in shock and awe when a violating priest gets relocated instead of kicked out. The diocese has no problem doing that stuff because their messed-up system justifies it! The molester has gone into a box and confessed. His slate is wiped clean. From the Catholic Church’s point of view, the bastard gets a reboot. And the law can’t do anything about it. Too many police commissioners are Catholic. They’ve gotten in the big box and aired their dirty laundry to the diocese higher-ups. They have blackmail to worry about.”
Lynch breathed a small
