Gavin was the first one to walk into the kitchen. His hair was still messed up, and he looked groggy, as if he too hadn’t slept a wink. Sawyer hated that they had to deal with all of this in their young lives. The tightness in Sawyer’s chest told him just how much of a failure he was. He was meant to protect them. The kids surely missed Callum as much as Ford and he did.
“How’d you sleep?” Ford asked Gavin as he took his seat on one of the barstools at the island.
He shook his head and shrugged. Sawyer closed his eyes, but it didn’t stop him from seeing Gavin’s red eyes. Clearly, the kid had cried himself to sleep. At ten years old, the only rough night he should be having was worrying about talking to his crush at school.
“Do we have to go to school?” Gav’s eyes were pleading.
“Bud,” Sawyer started. “I want us to try to have a normal day today. I know that you want to stay at home. Trust me, Ford and I want to stay home, too. but we’re going to go to work and try to just get through the day. I promise you the minute we hear anything, we’ll be at the school letting you know. You can trust me when I say that.”
Gavin nodded but still looked disappointed. Sawyer didn’t blame him one bit. Ford kept looking at him, almost pleading with his eyes, to allow Gavin and Savanna to stay home for the day, but Sawyer was steadfast in his decision.
“Go get ready, wash your face and brush your teeth.” Sawyer nodded towards the stairs. “Don’t forget to brush your hair and get ready, then come down for breakfast.”
He nodded and then left the kitchen. Ford walked over to Sawyer, “Are you sure we can’t just let the kids stay home?” He took in Ford’s red-rimmed eyes. “It’s only one day, and quite frankly, I don’t want to go to work, either. We can spend a family day in and just sit at home and—”
“Do what Ford? Sit at home and worry? Is that what you want today to be about?” Sawyer knew he sounded cold, but he couldn’t help it. Someone had to keep it together.
Ford huffed. “You don’t need to get upset with me. We’re on the same page here.”
“I know.” Sawyer rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I can’t believe… I’m just dealing with a lot here.”
“And you think I’m not?” Ford snapped, his eyes shooting daggers at him.
Savanna cleared her throat, and they both turned to look in her direction. “Are you fighting?”
“No!” Sawyer shook his head, “We’re fine. I’m sorry. We’re worried about Callum.”
Savie nodded. “Yeah.” She looked down at the floor, and Sawyer walked over to her. He put his arm around her and pulled her to him, and she relaxed into him.
“I promise we are going to have answers before you come home from school.” Sawyer said a prayer that he wasn’t made a liar. He pulled back so he could look at his sister. “Are you ready for school?”
She nodded, “I guess,” Savie replied before taking a step away. She walked over and took a seat at the kitchen table. “What’s for breakfast?”.
“Pancakes,” Ford said.
It was one of the kids’ favorites, and it was usually a weekend special, but Ford thought it would be a nice treat. Not that it would help, but Sawyer didn’t point that out to Ford. He knew Ford was just trying… they all were.
Savie was quiet for a minute, but he didn’t miss the slump of her shoulders or the way she was picking at her nails. “It’s weird not having Callum crying in the morning, or his babbling away in his high chair...” She looked over to where the high chair was at the end of the dining table. “I hate it.” Savie’s voice was barely above a whisper.
“Me too.” Ford sounded like he was on the verge of tears again. His boyfriend turned the stove off and walked over to Savie. He kissed the top of her head. “Me too.”
Ford’s eyes met Sawyer’s over Savie’s head, and it felt like his boyfriend was begging him to fix this. Sawyer felt the weight of everything on his shoulders. It was like when the weight crashed down on your chest at the gym, only this time he didn’t have anyone spotting, and it was crushing him. He was meant to protect his family and even that he couldn’t do.
Sawyer was failing miserably.
With nothing to say to help Ford or Savie, he walked over to the stove and turned it on again, picking up where Ford had left off with breakfast. As he stood there his back to them, he let the emotions he’d been holding crash into him like a tidal wave. A tear rolled down his cheeks, and he bit his lips trying to hold his sorrow in.
Sawyer closed his eyes and tried telling himself to hold it together. He couldn’t cry in front of Savie. What would she think? Arms wrapped around him, and he leaned back into Ford.
“You’ve got this,” Ford whispered in his ear. Ford moved so he was between Sawyer and the stove, And Sawyer was quick to turn the burner off. Ford’s eyes held his. “Everything will turn out to be okay.”
They’d said those words so much over the past few hours, all Sawyer could do was hope like hell they were true.
“Want me to take over?” Ford asked.
He shook his head.
