39
Brandt barely slept, despite Kyla’s orders that he do so. Kyla hadn’t let him speak to Ana the night before, insisting on interrogating her first.
Brandt understood his abbot’s reasons, but they didn’t ease his anguish. Ana had somehow survived. Against all hope, she had found him.
He held onto the memories from the night. He had jumped off the wall, Kyla’s warning fading behind him. She had run to him, recognizing him as well.
Their embrace, short-lived as it was, told him all he needed to know. She had come here looking for him and was every bit as excited to see him as he was her.
Kyla had intervened then. Brandt had acquiesced, though it pained him to do so. So soon after the attack on the emperor, Ana’s arrival seemed too coincidental. Ana’s last words to him were that she would see him in the morning.
His world, already on edge, tilted even further, tossing his thoughts around like a farmer tosses hay. He couldn’t hold on to any thought for more than a few moments. No doubt, Kyla evaluated Ana, tested her to ensure she wasn’t under some form of compulsion.
He drifted in and out of sleep all evening, finally giving up when he thought sunrise was near. Now he paced the wall, watching the first pinks of morning brightening the dark sky. Every few moments he would glance behind him, looking down into the courtyard to see if she had woken.
The sun was barely over the horizon when Ana finally emerged.
Brandt ran to her, wrapping her up in his arms.
She was solid, and just the way he remembered her. Her long dark hair was loose, flowing down to below her shoulder blades. Her dark eyes found his, tears welling up in them. “I’m so sorry.”
He just held her tightly, not sure what to say. She had nothing to apologize for. She was alive and that was all that mattered. After a few moments, she pushed him away. “I need to say this.”
Brandt stood there, confused, a war of emotions tearing through him.
“That night, Brandt, I ran.”
Brandt frowned. His lips formed a question, but no words came out.
“I know you don’t remember, but I saw that building come down on top of Kyler, and in that moment, I knew we were up against someone we couldn’t beat. I’d seen what we discovered in those caves, and Kyler’s death confirmed my worst fears. So I ran. I should have stayed. I should have fought and died with the others. But I ran.”
Ana kneeled down in front of him, baring the back of her neck, offering her life in exchange for her cowardice.
Brandt stood there, mouth agape.
He was delighted to see her. It didn’t matter to him what she’d done. She was alive. How couldn’t she see that was all that mattered?
And he had survived, too. He hadn’t completed his own fight. Compulsion had taken him and he had run when provided the opportunity. He was as much a coward as her.
But his words wouldn’t come.
He kneeled down beside her and wrapped his arms around her again, holding her close. She had to understand that it didn’t matter.
It couldn’t matter.
Her composure cracked, and he felt her body convulse as sobs wracked her. In time, they faded. She eventually broke away, looking at him with red-rimmed eyes. “You really don’t remember?”
Brandt shook his head. “I want to, but I don’t.”
“You’re fortunate, not to carry those memories.”
Brandt wasn’t sure he agreed. He understood her meaning, but without knowing the ending, he wasn’t sure how he could honor the memory of his friends. “Will you tell me what happened?”
“I can tell you what I know.”
They stood, ignoring the questioning glances of the monks just coming out for their morning training. They went to the dining hall, where Brandt prepared tea for both of them.
By the time he poured the cups, Ana had calmed herself. “How much do you remember?”
“We were traveling to Landow. The last memory I can recall was Lola losing three games of dice in a row to Ryder. After that, it’s empty.”
“That was a day outside of Landow.”
So Ana began there, retelling the story of their discovery up in the mountains and the decisions that had led to the end of Brandt’s wolfblades.
He found it strange, listening to Ana recount events that he had been present for. She kept looking at him, as though expecting her retelling of the story might spark something in him. He hoped the same, but the emperor’s assessment was far too accurate. He remembered nothing.
Ana struggled when she came to the final battle, but she recounted what little she had seen, which ended with Kyler’s death.
It occurred to him then that the honor they held so tightly to as a society was a foolish notion. His friend, a woman he had fought side-by-side with for years, was alive. And she feared he would hate her because she had run.
The thought troubled him. That same commitment to honor had gotten him through much of his life.
Would he have detested her for her moment of cowardice if he could remember more?
He was glad he didn’t have the answer to that question.
She quieted as she neared the end of her story. They sat together, drinking tea in companionable silence.
“How did you find me?”
“I didn’t try, not for some time. I figured that I would be tried and killed as a deserter for what happened. I hid, taking wage-earning jobs in small towns, moving from place to place, not really sure of what I was doing. Then, at some point, I heard the news of what happened in Landow. It said that three wolfblades had died. Your name wasn’t listed.”
She took a sip of her tea. “After that, you actually weren’t hard to find. I sent a letter to central command, claiming I was a relative worried about you. I asked for your whereabouts. Three weeks later I got a reply.”
“How long ago
