“I am a McDade,” he said, like that was an obvious and valid response to her question.
That meant something for their future. Her attention drifted to the opposite window. Being with Score may one day mean marriage, which would mean taking his name… Being part of the family who’d done everything in their power to ruin the man who would be her husband.
Their children would have his name too. Whether they literally had it or not, they’d be under the McDade umbrella. Burl would be their grandfather. Biz, who’d betrayed his brother in such a final way, would be their uncle. Holidays with the family wouldn’t be picture perfect.
Judgement didn’t feature in her pondering. Not judgement of Score anyway. She’d always known who he was, what he was. Saying goodbye to Stan brought it home that she was alone, with no family to support her. Her brother would get out of prison one day. Finding out she’d linked them to one of the most notorious crime families in the country wouldn’t do much to encourage Wyatt onto a straight, crimeless path.
“Lamb.”
The single word brought her focus around to him. Still peering at her, his scrutiny brought a smile to her face.
“I’m in love with you Phoenix,” she said, putting it as plain as possible. “I don’t know what that means to you. I don’t know what it means for the future.” He inhaled like he intended to speak, but she kept on going. “I know you’re going to tell me this isn’t the time. That after last night and given what today is… I don’t know much. I can’t understand your past. I can’t understand what you don’t tell me. All I do understand is what I feel for you… I love you.”
“You can’t trust what you feel today.”
Because emotion was high, maybe he was right. Before she could experience offense or condescension, a sliver of comprehension crept into her.
“Were you in love with Siobhan?”
“What?” he asked. “No, I—”
“Phoenix,” she said, taking his hand. “It’s okay to feel something for me. I’m nothing like her. I am loyal to you. Only you. I don’t give a damn who tries to persuade me otherwise. You’ll always be safe with me.”
Might seem like a crazy thing to say because he was stronger and had promised to take care of her. But even if he consciously ignored his past, some part of him had to be wary of relaxing with anyone. His family set him up in conjunction with a woman he’d been intimate with. Trusting anyone after being betrayed by those closest to him had to be difficult.
His exhale was a mix of irritation and resignation. “I’m not afraid,” he said, stating something he probably resented having to voice. Shyla had no time to reassure him. “Not for me. If I was still in the family business, we wouldn’t have met.” Truth. “Even if we had, I wouldn’t have let you near me.”
For her safety or because he wouldn’t have noticed someone like her?
“Why not?”
“My point, Lamb, is this should never have happened.”
It seemed topsy-turvy that his response to her reassurance was to speak like he intended to end their relationship.
“You don’t have to love me, Phoenix. I know I’m not the kind of woman you pictured yourself with… But if you give me a chance—”
“If I love you, I’ll marry you,” he said. “If I marry you, I’ll expect us to have children.”
Score would be an incredible father. Maybe it would take him time to get used to little people crawling all over him, but he’d be protective and fierce in his love for them. Shyla was sure of his conviction so couldn’t understand what was holding him back.
“You don’t want me to be the mother of your children?”
“I’m not in a position to do either of those things. And you have to think long and hard about whether you want to birth McDades.”
In their own life, in her mind’s eye, they could be a family. Fish and Beeks would be protective of their kids too. She trusted them to do their best not to corrupt the little ones. But could she say that about everyone?
“Would your father want to be in their lives?” she asked.
“My father would expect them to be under his jurisdiction.”
Like they were property to control or pieces on the chess board to be maneuvered.
“They would be under our jurisdiction,” she said. “I’m not going to give birth to soldiers for your father’s war.”
“And if they choose that life?” he asked. “Don’t underestimate the appeal. They would be the first grandchildren. That means something to Burl. The eldest inherits.”
That seemed to mean it didn’t have to be the firstborn’s first born who took over the reins. “I thought Biz was married.”
“He is,” Score said. “Hasn’t happened for them.”
“Does she want kids?”
“Nicole is the perfect daughter-in-law,” Score said. “She’s whatever Burl tells Biz she’s to be.”
Following Score’s orders aroused Shyla. Taking Burl’s orders wouldn’t have the same effect.
“We live so far away,” she said. “Maybe we could—”
He exhaled. “I’ve already told you I can’t promise Burl won’t call me back.”
Yes, he’d told her that. Shyla hadn’t factored that in to the future she wanted for them. “You would leave me, and our children, to go back to him?”
He pushed up her chin. “If Burl calls me back, he’ll want you too, and our family.”
Although she hadn’t exactly thought the words, Score’s hesitation to accept their future had offended her. Their conversation was giving her a new appreciation for why he held himself back.
“Phoen—”
“I don’t want you exposed to that life.”
Shyla considered the prospect of life in the bosom of a crime family. By the time she snapped herself out of it, they
