Adam, though...Sometimes it seemed like he was showing off. He'd do things for a dare, as he put it, but I wasn't the one daring him. He'd come up with crazy ideas, like walking backwards in the middle of the road after dark. Even when the streets were narrow and difficult to navigate if one wasn't familiar with the layout. I was, of course, but Adam's company threw me. "Let's take this route," or "Let's see what's up this alley."
I'd tell myself he was trying to get me alone, in an out-of-the-way place. Then I'd tell myself he wasn't; it was just my own wishful thinking.
I couldn't deny I wanted him. But I didn't have the courage to do anything about it. Courage was a strange thing to think about. One might say it's brave to deny one's own desires, but if I was that brave, I'd have banished Adam or walked away. Never had anything to do with him again.
Denied myself.
So. Walking backwards in the middle of the road just to see what it was like. And to scare me, judging by his laughter. I couldn't make out his face, of course, but he laughed when I told him to get the hell away from the road; anyone could come speeding round the corner at any second.
"They drive slowly these days," Adam said.
"Besides, I'll hear any cars coming."
"You won't have time to get out of the way. Come on, Adam, stop this. I need to get back to my boarding house."
Adam never came back with me. I was, I think, grateful for that. As a consequence, I didn't have to worry about explaining his presence to my landlady, Mrs. Hudson. Not that there was anything wrong with saying, "This is a colleague of mine, Adam Locke. I invited him back for a cup of tea."
If we were alone together, indoors ...I'd shake my head every time I thought of that, and I thought of it often. Too bloody often, judging by the erection that wouldn't go away until I succumbed and saw to it myself. And always, always, expecting some degree of satisfaction and feeling nothing but shame.
"When the war's over, you'll find yourself a nice girl and settle down, I expect," Mrs. Hudson would often say, pressing a cup and saucer into my reluctant hands. "You'll have your pick of them."
Perhaps she was complimenting me on my looks. More likely, she was making a sideways reference to the fact so many men wouldn't come back and I'd be outnumbered by the fairer sex. I knew that was what had happened to her during the First World War. Passing comments about her "darling Henry" and there never being anyone else for her.
I'd think of my own father and sigh mournfully, almost grateful he wasn't around anymore to look inside his son's head and be appalled by the thoughts he'd find there.
"Carry on the family name, son," he'd no doubt have said if he'd survived into my adulthood.
I attempted to suppress a shudder every time I entertained the thought, knowing that one day, I'd probably have to perform my duty and...
"You worry too much," Adam sing-songed, and he had my full attention.
"No bloody wonder. There's a---"
"---war on, you know," he interrupted in a little old lady voice. "Blackout, blitz spirit, doing our bit."
The sound of his footsteps ceased, and I became still too, hands thrust deep into my pockets as I stood on the pavement, looking into blackness and seeing very little but different degrees of night.
"Tell me, Nathan, where do you think all of those little treats come from?"
"Adam."
"Who would have thought a mere banana could bring a grown man such pleasure?"
Him and his bloody double entendres.
"Adam. Be quiet!"
"Don't tell me. Loose lips sink ships. I'm sure old Adolf is over there, masterminding his empire, positively seething over the fact you had something in your mouth you shouldn't."
Christ. I gulped. "Please. Just get out of the road."
"You worry too much."
"Adam."
"I love the way you say my name like that."
"Stop it."
"Why do you panic so much?"
"Because there's a war on. You're messing about in the middle of the road. There are no streetlights, a car could come along at any moment ---"
"I've told you. I'd hear it."
"And you don't. Fucking. Care!"
I gasped as soon as I'd spoken. There was no response from Adam. I couldn't hear anything from him---not a breath, a footstep, any movement suggested by the fabric of his overcoat brushing against his other clothing. Nothing.
I hadn't meant it the way it had sounded, but truth has a way of making itself known. I fought back tears, sure I'd played my hand too soon. I shouldn't have played it at all. Damn it. I'd made a fool of myself. My father would have been ashamed if he'd still been around; my mother too, God rest her.
Besides, I could always plead temporary insanity, brought about by Adam standing in the middle of the road, making me worry. I could defend myself by saying, "I meant, you don't care about the fact that a car could come speeding round the corner," and hope to be believed.
"Nathan."
Slowly, slowly, I exhaled. At least he was still there. Still speaking to me, even if it was only my name.
Then, laughter. And a dismissive, "You worry too much."
"Yeah." Breath whooshed out of me, painfully fast. "You're probably right. But even so, could you just...?"
"Come and get me."
"What?" I couldn't see the end of my own nose, let alone across the street, or wherever Adam was standing. "You expect me to just step out there and put my own life at risk as well?"
"Such a hero." There was laughter in his voice, but it didn't sound malicious. Playful, rather than sarcastic. "You won't put your life at risk to save little old me?" A pause. I
