As I glanced across at Steven again, he shook his head. Don’t ask.
Tiffany saw the last two stragglers to the door, said her goodbyes then wished us good night and disappeared into her bedroom. The door clicked shut behind her and I looked from it, back to Steven.
“And then there were two,” he said, still leaning against the wall as he had earlier soon after my arrival. But now he looked languid and relaxed, rather than confrontational and shut off. Or so I fancied. “Well?”
My eyes widened automatically. “Well what?”
“You came here. I thought you had something to say. Excuses to make, no?” He straightened, uncrossed his arms and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. His gaze was unwavering and that was the only thing that told me I still had his full attention. I had to look at him to know he was still willing to listen.
“No. I mean, not excuses. Jesus, you like to put me on the spot, don’t you? Say nothing all evening then jump straight into it.”
“I had guests to see to. It would have been impolite if I’d dragged you into some dark corner for a blowjob and a deep and meaningful conversation.”
“I stayed for the conversation, but I don’t know what to think—”
“Yeah, silly of me. Blowjobs never seem to end well with us.”
“Oh, I don’t know, one or two have…um…yeah.” Awkward now, I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, scratched at my ear with one hand, wondered what to do with the other. I knew what I wanted to do with it. “That time in the bathroom. I still think about that.”
“I try not to.”
Ouch. “I probably deserved that.” I continued tugging at my earlobe, avoided his gaze for a moment while I gathered my thoughts. “You know, anything I can think of to say, it just makes me sound like a dick.”
“Let’s just assume you’re a dick anyway, and take it from there.”
“Jesus,” I whispered. “Okay, look. Gary and Gemma tricked me into being here tonight, so I didn’t want to come—”
“We’ve already established that—”
“Just let me finish.”
Steven pressed his lips together and nodded, a silent go ahead.
“I didn’t want to come, but when I got here I wanted to stay. But…” I took a deep breath. “Not if you want me to go.”
“It’s late.”
“I could walk. Call a cab. Get the night bus. I don’t have to be here. I’ve already told you enough times that I want to be. I stayed all evening with a crowd of people I don’t even know. I don’t know what else—”
“And you even talked to some.”
“Yeah, it’s an evening of surprises, isn’t it? Look. I’m here now, but I’m not going to force my company on someone who doesn’t want me here. I’ve had enough of that before, so—”
“With me?”
“What?”
“Do you mean with me? Forcing your company on me?” Steven’s brow wrinkled, but in a frown of evident curiosity. Not a scowl of frustration or anger. “You seem stuck on believing that I never wanted you—”
“No. I mean with others,” I blurted out. “Exes and shit. You know. Falling out with old boyfriends. Making an arse of myself. Kinda like I’m doing now.”
“Oh, I dunno. I kinda like your arse.”
Ah. A chink in his armour. The temperature rose a degree or five.
“Ah, I mean when you…never mind.” He waved a casual hand at me. “Carry on.”
“Carry on being an arse?”
Steven cleared his throat. “Whatever you were saying.”
“Christ, I’m gonna sound like such an idiot saying this.”
“So what’s new?”
“You’re not helping.”
“Sorry. Go on. Honestly. I’m listening.”
“I haven’t been in a relationship for a while.”
Steven’s eyebrows shot up and I waited for the inevitable no wonder, but it never came.
“Mainly because the last one ended badly. You know. Fights. All over petty shit. We lived together.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Shared a flat. Anyway, there was a whole shit storm over taking over the tenancy agreement, neither of us wanted to be the one to move out, or being too proud to. Ex sex. For no reason other than we’d fight and get horny and…”
“Angry sex?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh yeah.” Steven nodded, the vaguest hint of a smile tugging at his lips.
Well, well, well, Steven. Do we have some common ground here? “It got to the point where we’d still be insulting each other even while we were fucking.”
“He really fucked you up that badly that you’d still…even these days…?”
“No. No. I’m not carrying any, God, what’s the phrase? Baggage. Not from him, anyway. It was just the similarities. Living with someone. And I swore off anything serious.
It worked.” I nodded. “It did. For a while. But with you, I didn’t want to make assumptions. I didn’t want to give you the impression I was hoping for anything more. In case I looked clingy. Put you on the spot. You know, what with the whole living together thing.”
“And now we’re not.”
“No. Now we’re not.”
“I can’t work out whether that’s a good or a bad thing.”
“Oh. Really?” I swallowed back a thousand things I could have said, prayed he would step in and fill the silence instead.
“Good because you don’t feel crowded and panicky and what-if-this-shit-goes-wrong and bad because…”
“Because?”
“Well, it sucks not getting laid.”
I snorted with laughter. Couldn’t fucking help it. But the laughter died in response to the okay, let’s get serious expression on Steven’s face.
“Explain the not-looking-at-you stuff then,” he blurted out.
“You what?”
“Go on. You never let me look at you. You never wanted me to fuck you face to face.”
“Jesus, go for the burn, why don’t you, Kenton?”
“No point wasting any more time, is there?”
“You…” I pointed at him, tapping the air with an extended forefinger, keeping time with my thudding heartbeat. “You looked at me funny.”
“Funny?”
“Different. Weird. No. Fuck.”
“Oh, look. Kit Blackman’s panicking again.”
“All right, all right, I didn’t fucking like the way you looked
