Annette saw the sincerity in his eyes. She knew a man like Suave rarely apologized and was glad he was also making progress in that regard. “I accept your apology. I’m invested in helping you, Suave. I want the same commitment from you as well.”
He nodded his agreement. “You got it.”
“In our last session, we spoke about your father killing your mother, and then himself. It was a very emotional session. I’m so glad you spoke to me about it and how you feel about everything.”
It was the first time Suave ever talked to anyone about his parents’ death in detail. He spoke of the anger he had toward his father and the fact that he still hadn’t forgiven him. “If he hadn’t taken my mother from me, I never would have gone to live with Pastor Ralph. He wouldn’t have molested me, and I wouldn’t have to kill him in self-defense. I wouldn’t be so freaking messed up in here!” Suave angrily pointed to his head. “Who knows? Maybe I wouldn’t have started to deal drugs. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a wealthy man, but now the price is getting too high. You know what I mean?”
“That’s a lot of ‘wouldn’t.’ We can’t change the past, so I want us to focus on changing now, so we can change the future,” Annette informed him. “This will start with you forgiving your father. Remembering the good things that he had done for you, and the love you once had for him.”
Suave had spent the last few days doing just that. He reminisced on the good times with his parents. They had little, but he always felt loved.
“Today, I want us to talk some more about Pastor Ralph and him molesting you.”
“I’m not gay,” Suave blurted out. “I only got involved with that sissy to punish his behind for what Pastor Ralph did to me.”
“What sissy?”
Suave’s eyes bugged out of his head. Good God, he had said too much again. “Huh? I... I... I was just... hmmm, speaking in general.” He hung his head in embarrassment.
“Suave, please look at me.” Annette waited until he glanced at her, his eyes flicking on and off her face. “We have come too far to shut down now. Please, talk to me. This might actually be the key we need to unlock everything.”
Suave pursed his lips as he stared off into space. No one knew this secret he had kept for so many years. Should he reveal it now? “His name is Pat, and he’s gay,” Suave began softly. He got up and walked over to the window. He peered through the open blinds, watched as vehicles zipped up and down the street, with people scurrying in every direction. “He’s a business associate’s brother. It all started one day when I went by Queen Bee’s to do some business.”
Suave told Annette everything about his twisted relationship with Pat. He walked her through every scene—Pat dressing in drag, the merciless whippings, his ice baths to cleanse himself, and his addiction to go back time after time to punish the man who had molested him.
Through it all, Annette didn’t say a word. With Suave’s back turned toward her, she listened and silently prayed for him.
“I haven’t been back to... you know, see him like that since Cobra was murdered,” Suave concluded the story, holding onto the wall to support his body weight. He felt drained and emotionally exhausted as he waited for Annette’s comment.
“Why don’t you come and rest your legs?” Annette’s kind eyes met Suave’s when he spun around. “Come on,” she pointed to the couch. “I’ll pour you something to drink.”
Suave did as requested. “Thank you,” he said when Annette handed him a glass of water. He drank thirstily, watching her over the rim of the glass as she reclaimed her seat. “I’m not gay,” he said forcefully after he drank.
“No, you are not,” Annette responded.
Suave was surprised that she agreed with him. “I... I thought you would judge me. I told myself that if anyone ever found out, I would kill myself.”
“You are not going to do any such thing,” Annette said sternly. “You also won’t have any need to go back to that man again. You are getting to a better place, Suave. Don’t you see that?”
“Why did I keep going back time after time?” Suave wanted to know. “I hated it, but I just couldn’t seem to stop.”
“Firstly, I don’t think you are gay because you never had sex with Pat. You also never engaged in any sexual activity with him, except for your first meeting, and you got sick to your stomach. See, this was little Suave’s first encounter again with his molester. Pat became Pastor Ralph, and you reverted to that helpless child that you once were. You kept going back to Pat, back to Pastor Ralph, and beating him mercilessly, because in your mind, you were conquering him. You killed Pastor Ralph, but he came back. This was your way of defeating him again and protecting yourself.”
“Man, I am really messed up.” Suave shook his head, tears swimming in his eyes.
“No, you were really messed up, but not anymore. Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Annette told him. “What you had gone through as a child, only the Lord could have kept you.”
“Kept me? Why didn’t He prevent it in the first place?”
“Suave, bad things happen to good people. It’s even more painful when it’s helpless children.” Annette reached over and grasped his hand, and her voice shook a little. “God didn’t say we wouldn’t suffer, but He promised He would be there with us through it all. Revelation 21:4 says, ‘And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.’ God is helping you now.”
Suave looked at her intently. He was confused, but what’s new? When it came
