“It was those pesky squirrels, Jill. I always used to think they were such cute little creatures, but I was wrong. They’re vicious.”
“Are you telling me that a squirrel attacked you?”
“Not attacked, exactly. I was out in the garden, tending to my petunias, when one of the little blighters threw an acorn at me. It almost knocked me out.”
“Are you sure it threw it at you? Might the acorn simply have fallen from the tree?”
“I’m positive. It wouldn’t have hit me with such force. And, when I looked up, I saw him standing on the branch; he was practically laughing at me.”
“Did you have to go to hospital to get it seen to?”
“No, it wasn’t that bad. Just a small cut and a bruise. It’ll be gone in a day or so.”
“What about Armi? Did he get hit with acorns too?”
“Don’t mention that man to me.”
“What did he do?”
“He was in the house at the time of the acorn incident, watching Cuckoo Corner on the Cuckoo Channel. When I told him what had happened, he laughed.”
“That doesn’t sound like Armi.”
“He did apologise but that was too little too late. I’ve told him he can make his own dinner for the rest of the week.”
“Serves him right. Were there any messages this morning while I was out?”
“No, but you did ask me to remind you that your new accountant is coming in today.” Mrs V checked her watch. “In fact, she should be here any time now.”
“Oh yes.” I sighed. “I’d forgotten about her.”
I loathed spending time with accountants. Luther Stone had been the exception, but only because he was good company (and smoking hot). Unfortunately, a few months earlier, Luther had decided to go and live in France. Before he left, he’d passed on all his existing clients to someone who he’d described as one of the superstars of the new wave of accountancy.
Whatever that meant.
“Just remind me, Mrs V, what’s my new accountant’s name?”
“Rosemond Starr.”
“She sounds more like a reality TV personality than an accountant.”
“You said you were going to get all your paperwork in order ahead of her visit. Did you remember to do that?”
“Err, yes, of course.”
No.
I’d forgotten all about the accountant’s visit, so all the bills, receipts, invoices and stuff were in a pile in the bottom drawer of my desk. It was too late to sort them out now, so she’d just have to work with them as they were.
When I walked through to my office, I had the shock of my life.
Winky had eyes. Two of them!
I was so stunned that I took a few steps backwards and almost fell over.
“What do you think of it?” he said.
It took a while, but I eventually managed to compose myself, and took a closer look at him. “Is that an eye patch you’re wearing?”
“It certainly is. I was just thinking to myself the other day that it was ages since I’d worn one, so I bought this little number at the weekend. What do you think?”
“It has an eye printed on it.”
“I know. Clever, isn’t it?”
“No, it’s really creepy. Take it off at once.”
“I will not. I think it’s brilliant. From a distance, people think I have two eyes again.”
“It’s freaking me out.”
“Tough. You’ll just have to get used to it.”
Ten minutes later, right on the dot, my new accountant arrived. Rosemond Starr, who looked to be in her mid to late twenties, was wearing what could best be described as a power suit, and she had the haircut to match.
After strutting confidently into the room, she proceeded to crush my hand with her ‘power’ handshake.
“You must be Jill. I’m very pleased to meet you.”
“Likewise, Rosemond.”
“Please call me Starr. Everyone does.”
“Okay, err—Starr.”
“I trust that Luther Stone told you something about my background.”
“He said you came highly recommended. And something about you being the new wave of accountancy?”
“Quite. The thing is, Jill, the era of the old-style accountant has gone, as I’m sure you’ll agree.”
“Err, I—err—”
“Long gone are the days when an accountant could simply juggle figures and balance the books. These days, the modern-day accountant is far more than a number cruncher. It’s our responsibility to help drive our client’s business forward. It’s all about blue sky thinking, don’t you agree?”
“Blue sky—err—”
“And, of course, thinking outside the box.”
“Right.”
“It’s my mission to maximise the potential of your business based on the synergy of my business acumen and your skills as a—err—what is it you do again?”
“I’m a private investigator.”
“Right. Once we’ve harnessed our combined skillsets, you can expect to see your business grow exponentially. What do you say?”
I was getting a migraine just listening to her. “That all sounds—err—great.”
“Excellent.” She took a file from her briefcase. “Looking through Luther’s notes, I see that you don’t have any kind of management reporting system in place. We’ll have to remedy that.”
“Will we?”
“You need reports that tell you which of the jobs you’re working on are profitable. That will help you to keep a tight grip on your cashflow, and to monitor your performance against budget. All the useful stuff that I’m sure you’ve been dying to have.”
“I—err—”
“I suppose we’d better make a start by going through your income and expenditure for the last couple of months. Have you prepared that for me as I requested?”
“Actually, I—err—” I pulled open the bottom drawer, and glanced at the pile of receipts, invoices and goodness knows what else. “Err, yes, I have.”
“Excellent.”
“Unfortunately, I left it all at home.” I pushed the drawer closed.
“Oh?”
“I’m really sorry, but I was called out on an urgent case first thing this morning, and I totally forgot to pick up the paperwork
