Holly looked around the room at all the faces of all the people she loved and valued. She should have felt something when she looked at them.
She didn’t.
“This isn’t what I wanted,” she whispered. She pushed the plate of chicken away and grabbed the whiskey. “I’m going out onto the deck. Don’t follow me.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE—HOLLY
A sliver of moon hung in a starless sky.
Holly took another sip of whiskey from the bottle and glared at it.
“That’s not going to help.”
She whirled around, clumsily. The bottle slipped from her fingers. Lucien darted forward, moving so quickly Holly couldn’t see him until he came to a stop with the bottle in his hand.
“That was close,” he said. “Perhaps you should sit.”
“I’m fine.” Holly took the bottle from him.
“I don’t know you. I understand that. The people inside seem to know you quite well. I can’t help but realize how your behavior alarmed them. You’ve never done anything like this before in their presence.”
“I’ve never done anything like this before ever,” Holly admitted, looking at her feet.
“You’re upset because you left Golden Oak.”
“Yes.” Holly nodded. “But you know what makes me even more upset? The fact that I’m upset in the first place. And then I’m upset because I’m upset that I’m upset. It’s snowballing out of control. Hence, this.” She took another swig.
“You’re going to be very ill in the morning.”
“It’s fine. I ate chicken. That cancels out all of the liver damage, right?”
“No.”
“Crap. Can you even get drunk?”
“I can. It’s easier to get someone I plan to feed off drunk first. The alcohol levels in the blood make all the difference.”
Holly looked at Lucien, then to her whiskey, then back to Lucien.
“Oh!” He chuckled. “No, no. I already ate. You needn’t worry.”
“Good.”
“Do you want to talk about why you’re upset?”
“No, but I should. Right?”
“I think it would be wise.”
“Are you really as wise as you sound?” Holly asked. “Or have you just had decades to figure out how to sound wise?”
“I’ll let you be the judge of that.”
“I didn’t realize it before,” Holly began, “but we don’t have a great system in this house. On my birthday, I cried because I felt like I lost my support system being trapped in Golden Oak. Now, I want to cry because Trevor became a better support system then the others combined.” Holly let her tears roll down her cheeks. She didn’t care if the vampire judged her.
“He made a joke that we’re partners who occasionally f— sleep together,” she amended.
“You can say fuck.” Lucien laughed.
“It seems weird saying that to someone who’s as old as my great-great-grandparents.”
“You’ll get over it. Did his joke bother you?”
“It made me laugh,” Holly said. “Then I realized, he really is a partner in this. He brings information to the table. When something came up, he took the reins with a targeted plan of attack.”
“Are the other shifter males defective?”
“Not at all!” Holly shook her head. The world spun way too much. Shaking was a no-no. “They’re all strong, kind, and helpful, but they’re like me. They’ve never had to deal with anything like this before, except for the dark shifter attack over a decade ago. They were all children. Trevor’s been dealing with this, living through it, for years.”
“He has a layer of experience that’s otherwise missing.”
“Exactly.” Holly nodded. “I thought I had emotional support in spades, but he brings a new facet of support I didn’t know I needed. Without it, I feel like I’m a child in the dark relying on protection from other children in the dark.”
“And it terrifies you.”
“More than I can articulate sober, let alone like this. Trevor isn’t supposed to be the one I need the most. I should hate him, even if he’s not the monster I thought he was, but I can’t. I might even be falling for the bastard.”
“In my experience, we don’t get to dictate what we need. That’s why they are needs. They’re not negotiable, unlike wants. You don’t want to need Trevor, but you do.”
“Glad to know you’re actually wise.” Holly smiled weakly. “I’d hate to join forces with a hack vampire.”
“Take this other gem of wisdom. Go to sleep. Nothing good can happen at this hour in your current condition.”
“You’re probably right.”
“I know I’m right.” Lucien looked over his shoulder then looked back to Holly. “I’m not the only one who wants an audience with you tonight.”
Holly looked toward the deck door to find Keller standing near the windows.
“I can send him away if you like.”
“No.” Holly sighed. “He didn’t piss me off this evening. He should get a chance to speak.”
“I believe Queen Elizabeth the first said something similar.”
“You’re not that old,” Holly scoffed, then her eyes widened. “You aren’t, are you?”
“That’s my secret to keep.” With a wink, Lucien left the deck.
Keller approached cautiously.
“I’m not going to bite,” Holly said.
“Your tone says otherwise.” Keller took Lucien’s place on the deck railing.
“It’s been a night. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Keller said.
“What are you sorry for?”
“I thought the best thing I could do was shut out all of my emotions and stick to plans and research,” he said.
“The battle plan you came up with would’ve worked,” Holly said.
“If the battle happened when I planned for it to happen. Unfortunately, battles don’t do that.”
“That’s not your fault.”
“No, but I should’ve been better prepared. A lot of lives would’ve been saved if I knew what I was doing,” he said.
“Don’t beat yourself up.” There were a million better things Holly could’ve said, but she didn’t have the energy or the sobriety to think of them.
“I’m not going
