“Any way he could buy the place or just lease it from you? You told me his mom was the reason Dan didn’t leave it to him? And she’s gone now.”
“Nope. I asked him again, and he said he had too much to deal with, already.”
“But, honey, you’re losing focus. It’s great that you’re thinking about all these people, but how do you feel? Do you want to be up to your elbows in mud and poop all the time? Do you want the responsibility of all those animals? Do you want to put your studies on hold for a while? That’s what you need to be asking.”
“You hated living on the farm, right? You always said the farm life wasn’t for you.”
“Well, that’s me. I’m not saying for you to do one thing or another, but you can’t live your life worrying just about other people. I tried, and it didn’t work for me. I loved so much about the farm. Seeing the baby chicks following their mama chicken around. I loved having the kids scamper around me in the field. I loved watching the sun come up over the hay field. We had this barn cat, a skinny, orange tabby, and she was so sweet. She would bring me dead gophers and curl up at my feet when I would sit out on the deck. There were a lot of peaceful moments there, but I got tired of the constant worry over everything. It just never stops, and with a kid, it was overwhelming. The first year or two was great, almost idyllic, but then we stopped going anywhere, even to Boise. Maybe if things had been different, I don’t know. I think your dad became agoraphobic.”
“So … what happened with Bill?”
“Um. Did he say something to you?”
“Not much. But you named me after him, right?”
“Yes. I love Bill. He was such a great kid. He stayed with us before you were born, and it was almost like he was my first child. His parents kicked him out because they thought he was gay. He really didn’t fit their mold. When you were born, I couldn’t think of a name I liked better for you. I love that name. Plus, he would never let me call him Billie, always ‘Bill.’ It reminded me of Billie Holiday, too.”
“So, was he the reason you left?”
“Oh, good heavens, no. Look, your dad was bi. It was not a big deal to me, since we were committed to each other. Dan had feelings for Bill, but, as far as I know, he never followed through on them, at least not before Bill went off to college. But I think his way of coping with his feelings for men was to try to shut down that side of himself. And I think fixating on the farm may have been another coping mechanism, too. You now have my dime-store analysis, for what it’s worth. When he started shutting down and isolating, I changed jobs. I needed the world outside, too, and I was hoping it might wake him up, but instead he just got worse. By the time you and I moved out, he and I were long past done. I waited for years for him to reach out, but it never happened. Anyway, he seemed happy enough on the farm, with his books and animals. Have you looked through all his little notebooks?”
“A little. There’s tons of records. Did you know how much money the farm makes? I could get my master’s paid for in one year alone.”
“Yes, but would you have the time and energy to go if you stayed there? I mean, you might, if you’re motivated enough, but a farm’s a huge responsibility.”
“I’m starting to get that.”
“Whatever you choose, I will support you any way I can. Harvey, too. I hope you get a chance to know him better. Anyway, I’m tired and I need to get back to bed. They’re not going to let me take another day off, I’m pretty sure.” Mom had been on her phone several times during the day, having to manage a crisis at the office. “Night, baby.” She patted my leg and headed off to bed.
March 11, 2013
At 8:13 a.m. My phone buzzed, and I rolled over and checked it. It was a text from Jodie.
Can you come home early?
I rubbed my eyes and sat up to reply.
Possibly. What’s wrong?
The goats have started kidding, and Elliot’s been up with them all night.
Oh, I didn’t know they’d started. He doesn’t text and won’t call unless it’s an emergency.
Well, not an emergency, but he’s panicked one will need help if he goes home. So he’s been out in the barn for most of the last two days.
I have mostly been dealing with chickens, Elliot has handled all of the goat stuff.
Sheila’s due back, too. I know a little, but she’s an expert.
I will get there as soon as I can. Thank you for letting me know.
Of course! I hope you’re having a good time. Jealous.
I couldn’t imagine Jodie being jealous of anyone or anything.
I went upstairs and found Harvey in the kitchen feeding Hailey. She was doing a version of a Jackson Pollock painting on her high chair tray, only with Cheerios and applesauce.
“Is there some sort of compulsory law that children under five have to have Cheerios? I’m just saying there must be some other food they can eat.”
“They get your name and address from the hospital, and they come break your little toes if you don’t buy two giant boxes every month. I was secretly mixing it in with the mulch in the back yard, but I started finding dead birds.”
I laughed in spite of myself.
“You
