“Oh.” I wanted to hug Elliot at that moment, but neither of us was very comfortable with closeness, before or since his mother died.
He clamped his hand on my shoulder. “Looks like you got more help coming.”
Jodie’s little car turned off the main road and headed down the driveway. She leaned underneath the car’s visor and grinned at me. She had a ball cap shoved tightly down on her head with a pony tail hanging out the back. Why was she always so happy? Elliot waved at her and headed off to the goat barn.
“Here you go.” She handed me a latte’ from the convenient store. “I don’t go in until one today. What’s up?”
I thought for a second. “I was just about to go for a walk. You wanna come?”
“Sure.”
We went through the gate at the hay pasture and quietly picked our way through the uneven, half-frozen earth. With the dew steaming up from the field, the place looked heavenly. We stopped in a flat area and sipped our coffees.
“How are you doing?” Jodie asked softly.
“I’m okay. I had a hard night. We almost lost one of the babies.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
I sighed. “And that’s not all. I know the plan has always been to sell the place, but I’m having second thoughts. I don’t want to go, but I don’t want to wear out my welcome, either.” I sat my coffee on a fence post.
She shoved me gently against my arm. “You can’t wear out your welcome in your own house. Derp.”
“I guess that sounded stupid, but do you know what I mean? Everyone has been great, but what if I can’t take care of this place? I almost killed a baby last night, what if I ruin everything? Besides, I had plans. I would have to just let all that go.”
“Well, it would be hard to take care of the place and go to school. I had to live in Boise my senior year because my family’s farm was too much of a distraction. What is it you want to do, though? It sounds like it’s not a simple decision anymore.”
“Well, no, it’s not. I don’t want to give up my career path, but … I love this place now, okay. I don’t know why, but I don’t want it to go away. I’m no farmer, but I want …” I looked to her for something, I don’t know what. “I want to keep this place the way it is, not turned into a McMansion or to add to some guy’s farm collection. What I really want is to share it with my dad.” My face went ugly to cry, so I grabbed my coffee and started walking again. Jodie followed me.
We reached another flat area just before a stand of trees at the end of the field.
“I’m sorry about your dad. If I could, I would bring him back for you.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not very stable right now. Sometimes I have all but made my mind up one way, and then some animal does something cute or I do something stupid. Liv would like it if I stayed, and I think Elliot would, too. My mom hated farm life, but she has a new family now, and she won’t tell me what she thinks one way or the other. I just want somebody to tell me what to do.”
“Well, that’s the sucky part. You have to decide. I can tell you I wish you would stay. I’ve just barely got to know you, and I think you’re amazing. But that’s selfish, and it wouldn’t be any good if you stayed and felt stuck here. If you’re looking for permission, you’ve always had permission to go, maybe you just haven’t given yourself permission to stay?”
“Maybe you’re right. Do you think I can do this?” I raised my hands to pan out to the entire property.
“With a lot of help, yeah. Yes, you could do this. You’re smart enough, and, you know, your dad had a lot of help here, too. Even a little farm requires a lot of people to do things. People to deliver things, haul away things, repair things, clean up things, plant things, harvest things. There’s no way you could do it all. My dad does a lot, but he still has had to hire somebody every spring and every fall. Even with me helping out. I know the internship means a lot to you, but couldn’t you finish the year and leave in good standing? And you have work here, too, right?”
“Well, yeah.”
“So, you could stay current and take some courses online. I mean, if you want to do that.”
“I would be okay with that. I guess I’m just scared to take on so much responsibility.”
“The fact is, you already have the responsibility. It’s just what you want to do with it.”
I sat my coffee down on the ground, planted my feet, and looked her square in the face. “I want to stay. I’m going to stay.”
“Okay.” She smiled. “Then stay.”
“You would miss me if I left.”
“Of course.” She gazed at some bushes in the distance. “Billie, I’ve tried not to get too close to you, since you always said you were leaving, but I really like you. You make me laugh all the time, you’re cute, you’re intelligent, and I wish I had half of your swagger.”
“Swagger?” I snorted, but my heart was racing.
“Well, persistence, maybe. You work so hard. You’ve learned so much in the short time you’ve been here. And you aren’t full of yourself.”
“Are you insane? I am about as incompetent as they get. I can barely breathe half the time. Why have you never said anything?”
“This is the part where you say out loud that you find me adorable.”
