Chapter Twenty
I had placed my bedroom at the very top of the central keep. A half-moon balcony extended from it, mirroring the one two floors below. I landed on that ledge and closed my eyes, trying to still my pounding heart. My body wanted to turn around and dive off the ledge. To swoop down and snatch up Viper then make love to him for the rest of the night. But it wouldn't be making love; that's what my mind told me. I cared about Viper but it wasn't love. It couldn't be.
Not yet.
And there it was. I may be shying away from sex with Viper because I didn't love him, but it wasn't the absence of love that scared me; it was the possibility that love would come. Star had come to the wrong conclusions about Viper. I wasn't attracted to him because I didn't think of him as real. In a way, he felt more real to me than Sin did. I had formed Viper's body and placed his soul within it; we were already connected in a way more intimate than sex. I could feel his existence, and I was drawn to it. I wanted him because he was real. Unfortunately, his desire for me wasn't. I had lied to Viper. His arousal had been manufactured by Star, and I didn't want a man who didn't truly want me. Whose love and loyalty had to be forced.
I had been so sure of my lovers' loyalty. So certain in them. And I had been wrong. So, Star had made me men that I could depend on; their love would never fail me. But with that certainty came sadness because it wasn't real. Viper's desire was another burn laid over the shiny mass of scars already coating my heart. The only real reaction to my weredragon form tonight had come from Sin and it had been one of disgust.
“So many reasons not to take Viper as a lover,” I whispered to myself.
And they're all ridiculous, Star scoffed. You're upset because you're certain of his loyalty? Worried that he might fall in love with you? That's so dumb.
“It wouldn't really be love, Star.”
Yes, it would.
“What are you talking about?” I frowned at the sky. “You're the one who called me a liar when I told Viper that his desire was his own.”
Dusk had arrived, painting the world in lavender-pink that was quickly darkening to deep indigo. I narrowed my eyes at the colors, irritated that I couldn't look Star in the eye while we argued. I'd gotten used to it with Faerie and Alaric, but they eventually left and gave me back my mind. Star was inside me, constantly there. I felt mentally strangled.
“Would this be easier for you?” A woman's voice came from behind me.
I spun around to see a pale version of myself; blonde hair instead of deep brown, shining silver eyes, and skin as white as Whirlwind's hair. My ghostly doppelganger wore a glittering, silver gown and a soft smile.
“Star?”
“In the flesh.” She grinned and it was like looking into an icy mirror.
“Thank you. This does make it a little easier.”
“Vervain.” She stepped forward and took my hand then paused and looked down at it in surprise. “How lovely it is to touch your hand.” She gave me a wistful smile before continuing, “I didn't make Viper—or any of the Star Gods—love you. Love cannot be forced; not if you want it to last. I've made them want you, need to be around you, and feel protective of you; all of the traits that I believe will keep them loyal to you. But if Viper falls in love with you, it will be real. I promise you. You have as much of a chance for a true connection with him as you do with any man. The question is; are you woman enough to take it?”
“That doesn't change the fact that his arousal isn't real. Sex with him wouldn't be consensual.”
“You're a beautiful woman and you're also his goddess. I didn't have to put desire for you inside him. All of them would have wanted you on their own. Trust me, sex would be consensual.”
“Then remove it,” I urged.
“It's just another layer of security,” she argued. “Desire comes and goes; it's a fickle thing. And it's not what really concerns you. These men belong to you; you made them. Sex is not a problem; it's love that you're worried about. You're afraid that if you have sex with Viper, it will make your heart vulnerable. Perhaps you're right. The Goddess of the World shouldn't be distracted by love. She shouldn't allow herself any vulnerability.”
“No, she shouldn't. I've just been betrayed, Star. I'm not ready to give my heart away again. All it does is weaken me and right now, I need to be strong.” I moved away from her and turned my gaze back to the sky, firming my resolve to protect my heart as I conquered the world. I needed to be a goddess now, not a swooning woman with a head full of romance. “Soon the Moon shall rise, and the Stars shall pay her attendance.”
“Or him.” Star came up beside me and stared down at the gardens far below. “You made a moon god your general, remember?”
“But I am their goddess. I am not just a moon, I'm the Dark Star. Their loyalty is to me; you just said so.”
“Yes.” She drew her fingers along my shoulders as she moved from my right to my left. “But you left them with him. On the most important night of their new life—the night of their birth—you left your Star Gods with another moon. You left Sin to bond with them and help them learn about life. You gave away an opportunity to gain their affection as well as their loyalty and adoration. As I said;
