Inside, I screamed constantly, a continuous lament that attempted to drown out the memories but failed. Outside, I made no sound at all, not even when the tears streamed down my cheeks. I hoped to go numb, but the pain kept digging deeper and deeper, sinking its claws into me.
Sin urged me to contact the other gods in the Squad, but I knew it would be more of the same. As it would be with my human family and human friends. I was certain that the Tablet of Destinies had poured its poison through me and tainted everyone I knew. I wouldn't be able to bear another harsh rejection in my current state. I was already teetering on the edge of insanity. I could feel the abyss below me, and I knew I needed to step back, but I was paralyzed by my heartbreak. The abyss was starting to look good. Welcoming even.
“Vervain,” Sin said softly as he brushed my hair back. He combed it out every morning and wiped a warm washcloth over my face. “How about a bath today, huh? A nice hot shower? Wouldn't that feel good?”
I made an inscrutable sound; it was the most he'd gotten from me in days.
“Hey”—he crouched in front of me and filled my view—“the Mesopotamians took a hit; a big one. They lost hundreds of gods during the fight. You didn't go down easy.”
I made another sound.
“And you need to remember that Marduk failed.” Sin shook me. “He didn't get your territory; the one thing that he was after. Your daughter has it and your family is alive and well. Take some comfort in that, Vervain. Nothing is over until you're dead.”
I blinked. Something shivered inside me. There was some satisfaction in knowing that my family was alive and well, even if they hated me. Things could have been worse; Marduk could have killed them all. And he didn't have the Pride. Lesya's inheritance was safe. The Pride was safe and still had a home. Marduk didn't win, not entirely.
I took a mental step back from the abyss.
“You gotta get past this,” Sin went on. “If you don't, we'll never be able to fix things. I can't do this without you, V.”
Could I fix things? If there was a way, I had to try. I couldn't give up on them. I eased away from the edge and took a breath.
“How...” my voice was raspy from disuse. I tried again, “How can I fix this?”
Sin blinked in surprise. His stare stuttered over my face eagerly before he admitted, “I don't know, but if you give up now, we definitely won't fix anything. Is that what you want? To just let Marduk win?”
I just stared at him.
“Are you just going to roll over and die, Godhunter?!” Sin grabbed my upper arms and shook me.
“No,” I whispered.
Sin went still then smiled. “Good. Now, how about that shower?”
“How long?” I stared at Sin's lovely face, his silver eyes had turned molten in the sunlight streaming in through his floor-to-ceiling windows.
“How long?” He repeated the question in confusion.
“How long have I been sitting here, Sin?” I leaned toward him. “How long have I been like this?”
“Five days,” he said gently. “Not bad, considering.” He gave me a wan smile.
I chuckled grimly. “No, not bad considering that I lost my entire life.”
“You didn't lose it. We know exactly where it is which will make it easier for us to get it back,” he said firmly. “Now, come on. Trust me; you really do need a shower.”
I grimaced at Sin as he helped me up.
Sin winked at me then walked me to the bathroom. “If you need me, just shout.”
He shut the bathroom door and left me to it. I glanced at myself in the mirror then froze and stared. I looked awful; wrinkles around my eyes, shadows beneath them, hollowed cheeks, and a sallowness to my skin that was a step away from jaundice. Aphrodite's magic had enhanced my appearance but that was gone now, along with my rapid healing. The fight, my heartache, and my refusal to eat had taken their toll. Was my immortality gone too? Had suppressing my Fey essence also suppressed my immortality? It had been suppressed when I was Sabine. I had grown old and died as a human. But that hadn't mattered to Odin; he had been with me to the end.
Not this time.
I sobbed and hung my head in my hands. The way my men had looked at me. So much venom. All because of some lies that Marduk had woven into his spell. I had always believed our love was untouchable. That even if we lost everything else, we'd still have each other. I guess nothing's impossible when magic is involved.
I turned on the water and waited for it to get hot. As I did, I heard the sound of raised male voices outside. I paused but then realized that I didn't care who Sin was arguing with. If Marduk had come to finish me off, so be it. There was nothing else for him to take but my life, and that wasn't worth much anymore.
“Stop it!” I hissed at my reflection. “This is not who you are! You fucking pull yourself together and you get them back. You keep fighting! Dying in battle is one thing, but just giving up? Hell, no; we've come too far to pull that shit now. Remember what you tell your enemies; you've been whipped, chained, raped, and torn apart into tiny pieces. There ain't anything they can do to you that you can't come back from.”
I swallowed and dared myself to believe it.
“Except for this,” I whispered as my whole body shook. “Who am I without them?”
You hold me together, Kirill. I can't be me without you, my voice echoed in my memories.
I started to
