“Explain,” I demanded bluntly.
“I need to put your true self under. Store it inside this,” she said, producing a silvery cube the size of a die. Its perfectly polished edges glimmered lime green. Everything in her statement made me tense.
“Anunit, I’m pretty sure you know what I had to deal with while I was on Visio,” I replied, my voice wavering. “I am not, under any circumstances, willfully shoving myself inside that thing. Do you understand me? Or do you take me for an imbecile?”
Tristan took the die from her hand and turned it over several times. “What the hell is this?”
“It’s not a trap,” she replied. “It’s just to store eons’ worth of memories and your powers. The body will not hold the full extent of your being. If I cram you in there just the way you are, the whole thing will explode, and I have worked too damn hard on her to screw this up. It is perfectly safe and not a prison of any kind!”
“I’m not convinced,” Tristan said.
“Neither am I,” I added, crossing my arms.
“You will retain full consciousness of yourself,” Anunit insisted. “You will simply be limited, and you won’t remember much beyond the past twenty years. It’s only because you’ve lived longer than any other living being. The brain in her head,” she said, pointing at my body, “will not be able to hold all of you in your full state. This is the only way this is going to work. It’s your choice. I’m not going to push you.”
I should’ve expected this. Everything Anunit said made sense. The memories of my existence spanned tens of millions of years. My powers were of cosmic origin, given to me by Death—I was still one of the first Reapers. I had strength like no other supernatural in this universe. Anunit’s solution did come with a slight perk, however. I would get to retain my consciousness, though only a limited amount of memories. “Won’t the absence of my previous memories affect my behavior?” I asked as Tristan handed me the small dice.
“Not as much as you think. You will be able to access your memories in your dreams, when you sleep. When your body is resting,” Anunit explained. “You’ll have a subconscious point of access to your true self, and that should be able to keep your behavior and decision-making processes as close to the original as possible. Like I said, it’s the best I could do, and trust me, I’ve done more for you than for any other Reaper I’ve helped.”
Tristan and I stepped to the side for a few moments, while Anunit waited patiently, pretending to look elsewhere. Seeing what she’d prepared for me did send an aching pang through my chest, but this had to be done like we’d planned from the beginning because it was the right thing to do and because it would bring the universe closer to its original balance. My husband and I kept our communications telepathic, but we weighed every pro and con we could come up with. This wasn’t the first time we were having this conversation, but it was this abundance of cautiousness that had kept us safe and together for so long. We listened to one another, and we had trust in ourselves, too.
Death can handle the World Crusher, Tristan said. She’s right. It shouldn’t be your problem. Besides, she’s Death, you know? Big force of the cosmos, completely free and in possession of Thieron. She’s learned some lessons from the Spirit Bender too. I think she’s perfectly capable of finding and dealing with her first-made.
I agree, I replied. It still makes me feel uneasy, but that’s mostly due to my guilt about how the World Crusher got out.
Exactly, he said.
What about Anunit? I asked, going over every single doubt that had nagged me from the moment I’d first met this oddball of a Reaper.
She’s small potatoes compared to what we’ve dealt with. An enhanced scythe and perhaps too much information, but that’s about it, Tristan said. I’ve got your weapon, and I’m confident I can disable her as soon as she’s done with you.
I’ve taught you the spell and everything else you need.
Exactly, he continued. Besides, Anunit got what she wanted by showing you the truth about Death. Tristan took a step forward, closing the distance between us and kissing me softly on the lips. For a second, all our troubles went away, and I was my purest self once again. I wanted more of this. So much more. You’ve wanted this for so long, he said. We didn’t plan for things to turn out this way, for the World Crusher to be set free in order to complete this trial, but Death said she’ll take care of it. Maybe for once we should just go with our gut feeling and follow this dream to the end, don’t you think? I am tired of watching you struggle, and I only want what’s best for you. Always, my love.
I gave him a warm smile, thankful for him as always, then turned to face Anunit. “What happens if I change my mind while I’m in my body?”
“I’ve put the breaking spell in there,” she said, pointing at the dice in my hand. “You can’t have immediate access since you might accidentally recite it in your dreams or something. It’s in there, you’ll just have to dig for it.”
This was it. The moment I had been waiting for.
The more I questioned it, the fewer doubts I had as Anunit answered my every concern with clear eyes and a confident smile. This obviously wasn’t her first rodeo. It was mine, but it was time to press on. There wasn’t anything else I could do for Death. If push came to shove, I’d find the breaking spell and set myself free. But until then, I would have a body and be able to truly live for
