I don’t function much anymore, school has been a no go and I’ve neglected Adri so much, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has moved on. Not that I would know since I barely talk to her. Ember is trying to stay strong and keep us together but I can see it starting to wear heavy on her soul. She doesn’t sleep and when she does eat, it’s not very much.
Vin is an empty shell. He gets by day to day but his eyes look vacant and lost. Not too long after the incident, he admitted that he knew about Travis and me. I felt relieved and immediately angry, I wanted us to be able to tell everyone, we were meant to do that together. So fuck it, I told them all myself. I told them about our plans, how I fell in love with him and Adri both and that we somehow wanted it to work, with the three of us. I even told Carm who was mostly silent but in the end told me to do whatever it was to be happy.
Adri wasn’t shocked, she said she could see what was between us and that she was so happy to be loved by not just one-but two men. Ember was a bit skeptical about it ever working but conceded that she caught Travis and I kissing that one night. She was just worried we were denying ourselves and hurting Adri in the process. It’s fucking ironic that the one thing we were scared about revealing was the easiest thing. Not that it makes a difference.
I also told Adri about the abuse Travis endured, I did it because I wanted her to fully understand why he did what he did. How much he held deep inside and how he felt unloved from the start. I told her about Sonja and his father, I told her about Ember killing his worthless mother and then I told her that Travis loved her but it wasn't enough because he felt like he wasn't enough. I told her about my plan and how I wanted all three of us to be together, completely. After that, I distanced myself. I couldn't stand to look at her because all I saw was him.
“He would’ve liked this.” Ember murmurs into the cavernous crypt.
“Oh yeah?” I turn to her, finally having enough. “Would he? And how do you know that? Do you have a direct link with him or something? Can you pass on a fucking message? Tell him I said ‘fuck you! Fuck you Travis for everything!’” I turn around and head for the entrance.
“Wait!” Ember calls out, “I’ll take you home.”
“No,” I say, “I want to be alone.”
“In the rain?” Adri exclaims.
“Yeah. I’ll meet you at home.” I leave them behind me.
If they want to stay in there with the dead, then so be it.
I somehow ended up here, at the baseball field. The rain is now a torrential downpour and my suit and hair are plastered to me like a second skin. I’m shaking from the cold air and my teeth have been chattering for a while, but I just couldn’t stop until I got here.
I start climbing the bleachers and sit dead center, the best possible spot to watch someone play on this field. Then, I let it out. Everything that’s been held inside for the past ten days. I cry for the little boy that looked up to these bleachers every game and failed to see anyone who loved him. I cry for the boy who needed this team so badly he endured abuse to have it, I cry for the child that lost his innocence because he craved any form of affection and lastly I cry for the teenager who pushed through all that and more to find something worth living for. I cry for him the most because he just never found it in the end, he was so broken inside and even knowing he finally had a family wasn’t enough to make him want to stay here.
I cry for Adri who lost her lifelong love, I cry for Vin who lost the chance to really experience having a brother, I cry for Ember who just keeps losing people around her and then I cry for me. I cry for me because I wasn’t capable of making him stay, I wasn’t the anchor that kept his soul perched here. In the end he just wanted to fly.
My phone begins vibrating in my pocket and I just don’t want to hear Ember asking where I am, so I ignore it. I’m alive right? That’s really all that matters right? I feel bad but I can’t deal with any of them right now, I can’t deal with the fierce love and need to protect. I want to feel this anguish and the internal ripping pain.
The phone keeps buzzing incessantly and I pull it out of my pocket. It’s a miracle it still works with all the rain. Vin’s name flashes a few more times then disappears. My home screen tells me I have thirty-six missed calls. Really? Are they that worried? I’m not offing myself, I just want to be alone. They will just have to deal. I tuck the phone back into my pocket as it starts up buzzing again.
Whatever.
I bow my head and lean forward, my elbows on my knees. Maybe coming here to this fucked up town was a bad choice. Carm was right, I should be there and training to become head of security. If I had stayed there, I wouldn’t
