Hmm. It could be she didn’t care. It could be she didn’t want to see it, or that she simply wanted me to get some life experience. Ugh.
“Okay,” I said. It wasn’t like I could argue with her. Calum taking me home had obviously been something she and Kyle had talked about on their ride over here, basically set in stone. It was something I would be forced to suffer through.
Michelle was going to say more, but Kyle and Calum appeared beside us, juggling overly large pops and bags of popcorn. We headed into the theater room and chose our seats in the far back, the very last row. I didn’t get out much, but even I knew all the cool kids always sat in the back. It allowed for more privacy when you were doing things that should not be done in a public theater.
God, I really hoped Michelle and Kyle would keep their hands to themselves.
Michelle sat beside me, Kyle on her other side. That left Calum to sit to my left, separated from his brother.
The projector was playing commercials on the big screen, though soon enough the lights dimmed and the screen grew wider. Then it was time for twenty minutes of previews of movies coming out in the next year.
I was supposed to share Calum’s popcorn and drink, but I didn’t feel like it. Wasn’t really hungry, and I didn’t think anyone could blame me for that. Kyle and Michelle were busy eating theirs and chitchatting through the previews, while I was busy trying to shrink in my seat and teleport home.
Oh, to be back in my bed, under the covers, safe and alone. Being on a blind, double date with a cute guy was not my kind of fun for a Friday night, let alone a guy who was still mooning over his ex.
Bet his ex looked like a model, like my sister. Bet she was super pretty, with long, thick, natural hair, big boobs and long legs. None of which I had. If my hair wasn’t a bright pink, I would blend in with any crowd, with half the world still thinking I was a child in high school, probably. There was literally nothing about my body I could be proud of.
I sighed, dropping my gaze to my lap in the darkness. I shouldn’t be thinking about those things. I shouldn’t let myself think like that, of course—but knowing I shouldn’t hate myself and following through with self-love and good thoughts were two very different things. I was no good at complimenting myself or loving myself. It’s not who I was.
Thankfully, once the movie began, I was able to focus on the big screen and not the handsome man to my left, nor the way Michelle and Kyle were cuddling over the armrest to my right. All I had to do was get through this romcom, and the drive home, and then I’d never have to do this again.
Never. That, I swore to myself. If Michelle ever came to me and asked me to do something like this again, I would let out a disbelieving laugh and tell her to fuck off.
Well, maybe I wouldn’t word it exactly like that, but you get the drift.
The theater was about half-full. This particular feel-good movie had been out for a few weeks now, so it wasn’t new or anything. Still wished we could’ve seen something else, but nothing about this night had been of my own design, so why would the movie choice be any different?
Calum’s elbow knocked into mine on the armrest sometime during the movie, and I quickly yanked my arm to my side, rubbing it. The man didn’t even apologize, didn’t even look at me or mouth the word sorry. He looked miserable sitting beside me, his mouth drawn into a thin line as he watched the screen, clearly trying to drown himself in the movie, just as I was trying to, before we’d touched.
I turned my gaze back to the big screen, but my mind was already lost. I wondered what it would feel like, to be dating someone and then break up. It was an experience I’d never had, like many others. Had to have a boyfriend before you could break up with one, you know. There was a chronological order to things.
I imagined it would be sad, depending on the type of breakup. I couldn’t imagine more sadness piled onto my life, so it was probably a good thing I never really gave dating the old college try. Yes, being a twenty-year-old virgin who’d never kissed a boy was a little embarrassing, but it wasn’t like I went around and advertised it to anyone who would listen. Michelle knew, but she was my sister. That was it.
Having sex, cuddling and kissing…I was human, I did wonder what all that felt like, whether physical embraces like that would help to make me feel more alive, but that would involve letting someone else in, letting them get close. I didn’t think I could handle the heartbreak that would follow when they inevitably left.
Because they would. If given the choice, no one would stick around me longer than they had to. Michelle was only forced because she was my sister, Mom and Dad the same.
My heart felt sad in my chest right then, and I fought to refocus on the movie ahead of me. I probably cried more often than I should; it was impossible not to let tears take over when I felt like everything was pointless, that my life wasn’t worthwhile, but I could not let it happen here.
Yet another good thing about spending every night in my bed, alone. No one was around to see or hear me cry.
The movie was cute, I had to admit. It involved a bit
