Pointless. It was all pointless.
As I lay in bed, staring at the darkened ceiling with my phone shoved under my pillow, I couldn’t help but wonder how I’d gotten myself into this situation.
No, it wasn’t my fault. It was Michelle’s. She wanted me to go out and live my life, but that’s the thing: I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to get hurt, and with Calum, I knew I would. My emotions warred inside of me, confusion highest in the order of things. I wanted to sit back and enjoy the time I had with him, but I knew better.
I knew better, didn’t I?
I had no idea how long I lay there in bed, wide awake, lost in my own thoughts before my phone buzzed under my head. Eyebrows furrowing, I was instantly drawn out of my mind as I rolled onto my side and reached under my pillow, pulling my phone off its charger as I glanced at its dark screen.
A text message, but it wasn’t from an unknown number, meaning it wasn’t from Calum.
No, it was from the other one. The jealous one. Oh, yeah. I still had no idea what to make of Mason and his so-called jealousy over my date with Calum. He was my partner; I’d already spent a hell of a lot more time with him than with Calum…although, Calum did have a few kisses under his belt, now. And handholding. And a hug.
My hand shook as I unlocked my phone to read the entire message.
Hey. I know you’re probably asleep, so you won’t get this until the morning. Either that, or you’re still with that other guy… He let the text message trail off, and even though I was just moments ago lost in my head, knowing how stupid this all was, I felt my lips curl into a smile.
He was still jealous. Unbelievable.
Really, it was unbelievable. I couldn’t believe my own eyes, even though I was staring at my phone, seeing it for myself. None of this felt real, not even a little bit. This couldn’t be my life, could it? It felt like I’d stepped into some alternate reality where guys actually paid attention to me—something which they’d never done before. Not really. Not that I noticed.
Should I respond to him? I wondered that, biting my bottom lip in the darkness of my room, cradling my phone against the pillow as I stared at the text message. As I wondered, a new message popped up from Mason.
Is it wrong that I spent the night selfishly hoping your date would go horribly? Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m horrible. I’m sorry. What can I say? I meant everything I told you earlier. Now I’m hoping you don’t start to hate me because of what I just said. But, wait, that’s impossible. No one can hate me.
I rolled my eyes, even though I still smiled to myself. Mason could talk, even in texts. It really was never-ending with this guy. I…I think I liked it, weirdly enough. His constant jabbering, his occasional sarcasm, the dimples that appeared every time he grinned.
It was then my mind thought of something, something truly strange, something I never thought I’d have to deal with.
Did I like two guys at once? Did I let my heart go beating for them, against my better judgment? And, lastly, because as I lay there grinning at my phone and Mason’s antics, because I knew the answer to those questions already, I wondered one last thought: why would I set myself up for such failure?
I did not respond to Mason; instead, I slid the phone back under my pillow after putting it on silent. If I knew him like I thought I did, he’d text me about ten more times before turning in for the night, and I did not want to depress myself further. No, I put my phone away and laid there, trying to wrestle with all of the feelings inside me.
I couldn’t like two men at once. I shouldn’t. That was setting myself up for double the heartbreak, and I honestly didn’t think I could handle the heartbreak from one of them. Because that’s what I would get. Heartbreak.
Calum would leave and go home, forget about me the moment he met someone else closer to home. Mason would do this project with me, and then forget about me when we no longer had any classes together. That’s what would happen, I knew it, and yet, my heart ached in my chest when I pictured my life without either of them.
God, how could it already hurt so much? It wasn’t like I was in love with them. This was exactly why I didn’t do crushes; they hurt too much, gave me too much disappointment.
Sleep took its sweet old time coming to me.
The next morning, I was greeted by my mom poking her blonde head in. I was still in bed, trying to sleep even though the sun was poking through my blinds, so I didn’t even look at her, didn’t sit up and meet those azure eyes which I was sure were expectant.
My first solo date. She probably wanted to know how it went.
I mean, it went fine, I guess, but it wasn’t like I wanted to tell my mom that I kissed him. Or, rather, he kissed me. Three times.
No, I couldn’t tell her that. She’d get her hopes up, think I was doing better than I was.
“How was your date last night?” she asked. I bet she smiled at me, too. “Your father and I didn’t hear you
