‘There are many methods to bring the focus within. Today we will learn a very popular one that many people find easy to do,’ said Francesca. ‘Put your right hand up to your face and rest your thumb on the right side of your nose, index finger on the left. Now close off the right nostril with your thumb. Breathe in through the left nostril. One two three. Good. Now close the left nostril with your index finger and breathe out. Now breathe in through the right, one two three, close the right nostril with the thumb, breathe out through the left. Continue in this way, changing sides.’
OK, I can do that, I thought as I followed her instructions.
‘Ignore your thoughts, let them be there, imagine them to be like clouds floating by overhead but don’t go with them, imagine you are the land underneath, still, completely in the moment. Feel your body seated on the floor, don’t worry if you lose track, just start again,’ she continued.
I did as I was told. At first I found it difficult to remember which nostril I was meant to be closing, where my thumb was supposed to be and which side I was meant to be breathing out of, but after a few minutes of listening to Francesca repeating the process, I got the hang of it. I began to feel calm and was surprised to discover that something was starting to happen in my inner forehead. First a pinprick of light, then stars and geometric patterns getting brighter and brighter in intensity. Wave after wave of pure white light was flowing into me, and with it came the sensation of stillness. As I continued, I felt as if my consciousness was expanding until I was totally unaware of my body or my thoughts, only a silence that was ringing and an endless ocean of light where nothing mattered.
I don’t know how long we sat there but, after some time, I realized that Francesca was speaking. I opened my eyes and someone turned up the lights. I looked at my watch. We had been there for an hour. For the first time in months I felt at peace. I glanced at Tom; he looked as dazed as I felt. Francesca spoke a little longer but I can’t remember anything she said. My mind felt utterly refreshed. Later, as we picked up our shoes and filed out into the evening air, I felt as though I was floating. All around me looked unreal, like walking into a film set. Dusk in a perfect street in a Walt Disney city.
I couldn’t wait to get back and tell Fi and Lesley.
*
‘Saw the light off the North Circular? It was probably a football match on at Wembley,’ said Fi once I’d got home and told her all about the session. ‘You can see the lasers all over London.’
My new-found peace of mind was disappearing fast, especially as she kept referring to the indigo as ‘the indigestion’, and laughing at her own bad joke.
‘You just don’t believe it’s possible to have a spiritual experience somewhere as mundane as northwest London. You think you have to be sitting under a banyan tree in some romantic Eastern location.’
‘You have no idea what I think,’ she replied. ‘But I will tell you this, there are a lot of charlatans out there who prey on the gullible.’
Francesca had prepared us for the reaction of know-it-all near-and-dear ones. ‘The greater the light, the darker the shadow,’ she had warned us before we left the meditation session. ‘Expect hostility, expect rejection and rise above it.’ I repeated it all to Fi. ‘It’s your ignorance talking,’ I explained, ‘your fear of the unknown.’
‘Fuck off,’ she replied and left the room. She could be like that sometimes.
I went up to my room and reflected on how Fi treated me. She’d never taken me seriously. I was her kid sister and there was nothing I could tell her. Her flatmate Lesley was more open-minded. She came along to one of the meetings. I soon realized that she wasn’t with me to listen to the teachings; she’d come along to see if there were any attractive men in the group. She only went the once.
Sara and Jo would have got it, I told myself. They were as open-minded as I was. Ally not so much. She always said that books and science held the answers. Despite our drifting apart, there were times when I still missed them, their feedback, their opinions and advice. I decided to call all of them. They needed to hear about this group. I was sure that they’d be more than interested and it might be something to bring us all together again. I remembered that they’d all moved on in their digs from student halls to shared houses so decided to call their parents to get their most recent numbers.
‘Sara’s in Bristol for the weekend, dear,’ said Mrs Meyers when I called her parents’ house. ‘I’ll let her know you’ve been in touch.’
‘Ally’s gone hiking in Cornwall with some friends,’ said Ally’s mum.
‘I’ll pass on the message when she gets back,’ said Jo’s father. ‘She’s at some music festival in Wiltshire.’
I wasn’t going to give up. I found leaflets similar to the ones I’d been given in the first instance and posted them to their home addresses in Manchester. They’d get them when they went back to see their families.
I
