I could watch a sunset with you, I thought as I gazed into his eyes.
‘Indeed,’ I said, ‘there are the friends you get squiffy with after work, those you go and see a movie with, but those who really know you and you them, they’re more valuable than rubies.’ I decided to let it drop that I was single in the hope that Simon would pick up on it. ‘When I separated from my husband, I realized I’d become very dependent on him, to the exclusion of others, and then I threw myself into my work to disguise the fact that I didn’t have anyone to share my life with. Big mistake. Realizing the need for friends is what inspired this programme.’
Simon took the bait. ‘How long ago did you separate?’ he asked.
‘Ten years ago.’
‘And have you a partner now?’ he asked.
I shrugged. ‘Still single but open to possibilities.’ Great, I thought, he’s asking all the right questions.
‘Choice, or the right man just hasn’t come along?’ Steve asked.
‘A bit of both,’ I replied whilst looking straight at Simon.
‘I also think that men don’t tend to confide in each other about anything negative or difficult that they’re going through in the way that women do,’ Steve said. ‘I don’t know whether that’s a throwback to when we were hunter-gatherers and it was in our blood not to show any sign of weakness, but I have noticed that men don’t tend to share failures—’
‘In fact, they’re more likely to talk to a woman about anxieties. A more sympathetic ear, perhaps?’ Simon added. ‘Is that a generational thing? Maybe you need to talk to some younger men and see if they share their feelings and doubts more than men our age.’
‘I always noticed that men have an ability to compartmentalize worry better than women,’ I said. ‘If I needed to talk to my ex about concerns, his reply was always to turn the page, not dwell on things, whereas I needed to talk things through in order to move on.’
‘I’d agree with that, I bury the hard stuff away,’ said Simon, ‘and the men I know also tend to hide behind humour if they’re worried about something, make light of it, but that’s not always the best way. Worries can eat you up if not shared but – going back to what Steve said – men rarely let on if they’re in trouble for fear of it being seen as weakness. They tend to talk things up instead.’
We chatted on about how they’d met at university, stayed in touch for a short while after, before work had taken Steve abroad to Hong Kong and Australia. I found myself increasingly drawn to Simon. He was articulate, appeared to be emotionally intelligent and thoughtful. Charles had been ‘The One’. Simon could be ‘The Next One’. I hadn’t felt such an attraction in a long time. I could see us dating and I imagined long conversations over dinner, a bottle of wine, a weekend away …
‘And now where do you live, Steve?’ I asked.
‘I’ll be returning to the UK in the next few months and I’m going to settle back here,’ he replied, and smiled over at Simon. Simon reached out and put his hand over Steve’s. Woah. Hold on a minute, have I missed something here? I asked myself as I watched the two men look at each other affectionately. ‘Simon here was the great love of my life when I was in college—’
What!?
‘And after a brief and clandestine affair, we went our separate ways,’ Simon continued. ‘My career took precedence and I blocked off the fact I was gay. I let Steve go, something I regretted with all my heart, but back then I wasn’t ready.’
‘Nor me,’ said Steve. ‘In fact I got married—’
‘As did I, and I was happy with my late wife,’ said Simon. ‘However, when you contacted me about your programme, I thought now is the time to look for Steve again, to reconnect, find out if what we once had was still there but I had no idea where to begin looking. Thanks to your research team, Lauren in particular, I didn’t have to wait long to have Steve’s contact details. Now we’re together and I no longer want to hide who I really am, or my sexuality, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.’
‘That’s wonderful,’ I said.
Damn damn damn it, I thought as I gave them both the Sara Meyers wide dazzling smile and crumpled inside.
Chapter Forty
Mitch.
December 1975
It must have been like every man’s dream come true. Easy pickings. Like walking into a hothouse of luscious, ripe blooms all wilting from lack of water. We were all in our early-twenties by the time Alec arrived. The other men in the group were not exactly a great temptation in their open-toed sandals and duffle coats, with as much sex appeal as a friendly Old English sheepdog. Then Alec flew in from California one morning in December, dark brown eyes twinkling with mockery for our high ideals, a devil in saint’s clothing. Out of the blue: a man who with a glance reminded me that I was female – that sex and sexuality existed and I wasn’t getting any. The other men in the group called us their sisters. Love, peace and the brotherhood of man. We were one big family out to make a better world. What I felt for Alec was far from brotherly; the first man I’d found attractive since Jack. It came as a shock. What was I supposed to do about it? I was supposed to go beyond it, wasn’t I. I was supposed to have higher matters on my mind, but in the space of a few weeks, my peace of mind and sense of purpose went out the
