We all nodded. ‘Scary,’ said Jo.
‘Strict,’ said Ally.
‘Disappointed,’ said Mitch, ‘so I moved to London and stayed with Fi. That was only marginally better, but at least she didn’t judge.’
Ally, Jo and I glanced at each other. ‘So Jack never knew that you were pregnant? I asked.
‘Oh yes, he did know, he was over the moon. No one else knew, no one in the band. We planned to tell my parents first then let the band know. Truth is, the band didn’t know how serious we were about each other. We’d planned to break it to them gently.’
‘Christ, Mitch, that’s tragic,’ said Jo. ‘Why the hell didn’t you let us know?’
Yes why? I thought, as we waited for Mitch to reply.
Mitch hesitated. ‘I tried to,’ she said finally, ‘I left messages for you all at your various universities—’
‘Not saying you needed help,’ said Ally.
Mitch looked wistful, ‘It’s not the kind of message you leave with some stranger in your digs who happened to pick up the phone.’
‘You could have said something to indicate what had happened,’ I said.
There was an awkward silence as each of us struggled with our feelings; for me it was a mix of shame, guilt, and frustration that I hadn’t known the facts.
‘I could have,’ said Mitch. ‘Why didn’t I? I was so mixed up back then. I was numb for a long time, my confidence, my reality had taken an almighty knock, I felt I’d got so much wrong. Fucked up, big time. Part of me withdrew to some place deep inside and closed the door. When I discovered that Jack had died, I regretted with all my heart that I’d given Sara Rose away. I thought she would be a reminder of his abandonment when actually she would have been a reminder of a man I’d loved and lost. I put it all in a place inside and locked it away, put a wall up to protect myself; didn’t want to talk about it or even think about it. I hid behind that wall for a long time but, in keeping the hurt out, I kept some of the good stuff out too, and I guess that includes all of you as well, my old friends.’
I wished I could reach out and hug her. ‘I understand, Mitch,’ I said. ‘I understand all about hiding behind a wall. Sometimes it’s not even a conscious thing, more like self-preservation.’
Mitch nodded, smiled sadly and glanced at Jo. ‘I think that’s partly why I couldn’t face your wedding Jo. I felt bad about that. And I don’t doubt that you would have been there for me. I’m sorry, but what could you have done? We were all so young. I was nineteen, thought I knew it all but of course I didn’t. I feel bad about the way I acted, and letting go of Sara Rose was the biggest regret of my life. After all this time, years, there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t wondered where she is, what she looks like—’
‘We have a photo of Lisa if you’d like to see it,’ said Jo.
Mitch caught her breath. ‘I would.’
Jo dived into her bag, pulled out her phone and found the photo we’d taken of Lisa. She held it up to the screen so that Mitch could see. She studied it for a long time in silence then suddenly she disappeared from the screen. We all looked at each other as we could hear the sound of her sobbing.
At our end of the call, Jo, Ally and I looked at each other. Had this been the wrong approach? I wondered.
‘Mitch, are you there?’ I asked after a short while.
Finally a red-eyed Mitch returned to our screen. ‘Woah, sorry,’ she said as she sat down and faced the laptop camera again. She smiled weakly, ‘And the wall comes tumbling down. Lisa looks so like her father. I can see Jack in her face.’
‘Mitch, we so wish we’d been there for you. I am so sorry I wasn’t,’ I said.
‘And me,’ said Jo,
‘And me,’ said Ally.
Mitch nodded. ‘And me,’ she said finally.
‘She’s a beauty, isn’t she? Your Lisa,’ said Ally.
‘Have you any more photos? What part of London does she live in?’
‘Camden,’ I replied. ‘Mitch, I know it’s a lot to take in all in one go but, if she agrees, she could come out with us and she can tell you herself.’
‘Yes. Of course, I’ll pay,’ said Mitch. ‘Tell her I’ll cover all the costs.’
Rosie had stood to one side for most of the call, but now she moved closer so that she could be seen by Mitch as well. ‘And why didn’t you tell me about her?’ she asked. ‘I thought we told each other everything.’
Mitch sighed. ‘Wow, this is some phone call, isn’t it? Dear Rosie, what can I say? I owe you an apology too. Why didn’t I tell you? I’d let go of the old Mitch when I met you, buried her. It was so painful, I made myself move on, reinvented myself. If I’d talked about what had happened, about Sara Rose, it would have made her real, kept the pain of losing her alive, and yet there was nothing I could
