I love them both.
She slipped her hands inside the robe’s pockets and felt something graze her right hand. She removed it and saw that it was not one, but two empty condom wrappers. At first, she felt dirty. The number of women Nick slept with, something he did not hide or act ashamed of, sank in. How many others had stayed the night after sleeping with Nick, maybe even wearing the same dark robe she had on? She stared at the empty, bright orange wrappers she had deposited on the windowsill. Was she expecting them to talk? To say who Nick had used them with?
Weeks later, when she discovered she was pregnant, she wondered why it didn’t occur to her, while she was sitting by Nick’s window, to wonder if he had used a condom with her. She hadn’t asked for one, hadn’t even thought of asking. She had taken the pregnancy test, silently praying and promising God that she would do anything as long the stick only showed one line, and not two. She had asked both Nick and Bobby for space, though it was easier with Bobby, who was away in Cambridge, and who had no idea she was having doubts involving his twin brother. She had told herself she had one month to figure out her own heart, and in the end, she would be honest with both of them. They would know everything that had happened.
She still hadn’t made her decision when she was holding the stick that told her she would be a mom. There had been days when she was certain Bobby was the one for her. She would picture telling him about her doubts and what she’d done. Would he forgive her? She didn’t know, but she also knew she couldn’t keep it from him. Then there were moments when she imagined choosing Nick, telling him she’d loved him all along. In her daydreams, she would be able to travel the world with him after he graduated and somehow NYU would still be there, waiting for her.
How many times had she thought of that day over the past fifteen years? Her first thought was that the decision had been made for her. If she was pregnant with Nick’s baby, then she had to be with Nick. It was life’s way of deciding for her. But then she thought back to the countless hours she had spent talking to Nick, listening to his frustrations with his parents’ lives and the lives of the other Dewar men before him. “If you’re a Dewar then you go to Harvard, get married, have babies and work in that company… forever.” The pity he felt for his dad and his grandfather was so intense it was tangible. “Their lives were mapped out from the minute they were born. No one cared about their aptitudes. Did you know my dad used to play the guitar when he was my age? He was good, too. But now all he does is work, day in and day out.”
Gina experienced a feeling of vertigo, as if she had taken a step and her foot had wandered off a cliff. She knew Nick: he would do the right thing. He would marry her and work for his father and lead the soul-sucking life he had vowed to run away from. But he wouldn’t be happy. He would be trapped, just as she had been when she was living at her parents’ house.
And then there was Bobby.
Bobby, her boyfriend, the man who wanted to marry her, who was ready, eager, for a life-long commitment. She loved Bobby. He was the safe option, but he was so much more than that. He was a true partner, someone who shared her values, who loved every part of her, including her flaws. She felt freer with Nick, but she was herself with Bobby. It was an impossible choice because in her heart she wanted both of them. But she could only be with one. There was a baby on the way. She had a responsibility to give her son or daughter a proper home, with loving, devoted parents.
Before she could change her mind, Gina took the train to Boston and knocked on Bobby’s door. She made love for the second time in her life with the man who loved her more than she deserved. Being with Bobby was a completely different experience. He was careful with her, almost as if she was made of crystal, and he took his time, kissing every inch of her body, worshipping her slowly and thoroughly. She felt safe in his arms, as if the nook under his shoulder had been molded for her head, and his arms made to hold her. She was guilt-ridden, but she was also determined to put her child first. She was barely pregnant, but she was already a mother.
Gina vowed never to tell Bobby about her night with Nick, but it stayed with her, it has stayed with her for the past fifteen years. She has thought of confessing countless times, in the moments when the guilt threatened to split her chest in half. She wanted to tell Bobby for her sake as much as his, but she stopped herself when she thought of Calan. They were a family, their love growing like a well-tended garden where every day a new bud would blossom. She assuaged her guilt towards Bobby by being the best wife and mother she could possibly be. She dedicated herself tirelessly to them, to Alma, to the Dewar name and legacy. She left Regina Pearl Worth behind and became Gina Dewar, loving wife and mother, loyal above all.
Nick never forgave her. He said he did—said he understood, that he wanted her to be happy—but he was never the
