Pitchstone Publishing
Durham, North Carolina
www.pitchstonebooks.com
Copyright © 2020 by Chris Matheson
All rights reserved
Printed in the USA
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Matheson, Chris, author.
Title: The Buddha’s story / Chris Matheson.
Description: Durham, North Carolina : Pitchstone Publishing, [2020] | Summary: “A humorous take on the life of Siddhartha Gautama, imagined as an autobiography written by him, spanning from his birth to his eventual so-called extinction”—Provided by publisher.
Identifiers: LCCN 2019054124 (print) | LCCN 2019054125 (ebook) | ISBN 9781634312004 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781634312011 (ebook)
Subjects: LCSH: Gautama Buddha—Fiction. | Monks—India—Fiction.
Classification: LCC PS3613.A8262 B83 2020 (print) | LCC PS3613.A8262 (ebook) | DDC 813/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019054124
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019054125
“Your Holiness, tell me, what role does Jesus Christ play in your Muslim religion?”
—Larry King, in a rather awkward interview with the 14th Dalai Lama, a living Buddha of compassion
“I’m sorry, but could you please repeat the question?”
—The 14th Dalai Lama
* The much-hyped interview was broadcast live on December 31, 1999 as part of CNN’s Millennium 2000 primetime coverage. Although the exchange was watched by millions, neither the full video nor the official transcript has ever been posted online—almost as if the entire interview is meant to be completely forgotten. Thus, as with the life of Siddhartha himself, the exact truth about the interview that night may be lost to history. Yet, the story of it lives on as legend.
Abbreviations
KSJAT—King Shibi Jataka
AVDS—Avadanasataka
NK—Nidanakatha
SV—Sangityavamsa
ASV—Asvaghosha
KDS—Kinh Duoc Su
MJ—Majjhima Nikaya
GV—Gandavyuha
ACC—Acchariya-abhutta Sutra
MHP—Mahapadana Sutra
ATT—Atthakavagga
LV—Lalitavistara Sutra
IDD—Iddhipada-vibanga Sutra
DP—Dhammapada
RH—Rhinoceros Horn Sutra
ITI—Itivattaka
AP—Ariyapariyesana Sutra
SK—Sukhavativyuha Sutra
SAL—Saleyyana Sutra
MH—Mahasaccaka Sutra
SY—Samyutta Nikaya
HJAT—Hare Jataka
ANG—Anguttara Nikaya
MV—Mahavagga
DCP—Dhammacakkappavattana Sutra
DG—Digha Nikaya
SP—Satipatthana Sutra
PP—Padopama Sutra
TV—Theravada Vinaya
VK—Vimalikirti Sutra
TGG—Tathagatagharba Sutra
OJO—Ojoyoshu
SZJ—Sishier Zhang Jing
ILL—Illumination of the Five Realms
LSV—Larger Sukhavativyuha
PV—Petavatthu
SH—Shurangama Sutra
AGG—Agganna Sutra
SDS—Saddhamasmrtyupasthana Sutra
DFMHG—Deliverance from Flaming Mouth Hungry Ghost Sutra
SOA—Sermon on Abuse
MHD—Mahadukkhakhanda Sutra
GPJAT—Golden Peacock Jataka
MGD—Magandiya Sutra
GTJAT—Goblin Town Jataka
PP—Parajika Pei
IOU—Inquiry of Ugra
CV—Cullavagga
MSV—Mulasarvastivada Sutra
BL—Bimba’s Lament
FCJAT—Fairy Canda Jataka
NKV—Nandakovada Sutra
RUJAT—Rupyavati Jataka
RAH—Rahulovada Sutra
VSJA—Vessantara Jataka
MUS—Parable of the Mustard Seed
THR—Therigatha
CMJAT—Crocodile and Monkey Jataka
MCJAT—Marsh Crow Jataka
UD—Udana
JBJAT—Jackal Beware Jataka
SYEJAT—Sixty Year Old Elephant Jataka
JTMKJAT—Jolly the Monkey King Jataka
OEJAT—Obedient Elephant Jataka
NKR—Nihon Ryoi Ki
SDI—Sanghadisesa
CCJAT—Compassionate Captain Jataka
MPB—Mahaparinibbana Sutra
LOT—Lotus Sutra
CSG—Chan School Gonyan
PMKS—Phra Malai Klon Suat
NBS—Nembutsu Shu
BA—Buddha Amitayus
SSV—Smaller Sukhavativyuha
WTJAT—Wishing Tree Jataka
LJJAT—Lion and Jackal Jataka
BYJAT—Brahmin Youth Jataka
Part 1: Beginning
1
I am the Buddha and this is my story.
To begin with, I want to give you an idea of the greatness of my essential nature. In one of my many previous lifetimes, I was a king named Shibi. As King Shibi, I was so brimming over with compassion that merely in order to feed a bird (a pigeon to be precise) I cut off all of my own flesh, thereby becoming a skeleton. I remember slicing all my flesh away, then standing proudly and proclaiming, “I sacrifice my body not for treasure but for enlightenment, in order that I may save all living beings!” At that point, I recited a kind of a poem, which went something like this:
Dragons and demons and gods and ghosts
I am a hero and that is no boast
Singers and dancers and ogres and fools
You should be like me and follow my rules.
I did not mean, quite obviously, that gods, ghosts, etc. should all be talking skeletons like me. Rather, what I meant was that they should all wish to be motivated by pure, selfless compassion like I was. In heaven, the gods were so impressed by my sacrifice that they cheered enthusiastically. “Bravo!” they all cried. “BRAVO FOR THE TALKING SKELETON!” After that, it rained flowers on my bones, which was nice. (KSJAT.)
Here is another example of how noble I was in a previous lifetime: As King Padmaka, I was a good and loving ruler who cared tenderly for his dear subjects. When a deadly plague struck my kingdom and it turned out that the only thing that could possibly save my people was the flesh of an extremely rare fish known as the Rohita, I instantly decided to kill myself and be reborn as that fish in order that I might allow myself to be eaten. I remember climbing to the top of my palace, throwing down some incense and flowers, praying, “Make me the Rohita fish!” and jumping. I died the moment I hit the ground and was instantly reborn as the Rohita fish, as I obviously knew I would be. (I wouldn’t have jumped off the roof of my palace otherwise.)
Now that I was the Rohita fish, my people came at me with spears and hooks and started slicing me to pieces while I was still alive. As they chopped me up, I wept tears of love for them and cried out, “Eat of my flesh, citizens, eat and be healed!” They proceeded to feast on my body for the next twelve years. (The Rohita is an enormous fish.) At the end of those twelve years I cried out to my people once more: “I, YOUR KING PADMAKA, HAVE SAVED YOU!” (How I could still speak after they’d been eating me for twelve consecutive years, I am still not quite sure, but I definitely could.) (AVDS)
I will now tell you the story of my final and greatest lifetime, the one in which I finally became the Buddha. It all began in Tusita Heaven, the lovely place I had lived for several hundred years. One day some gods came to me and begged me to reenter human life. I remember their exact words to me: “Sir,” they said (because the gods always treated me as their superior, which I was), “now that you have achieved perfection you must save mankind. Now, sir, is the time for your Buddhahood.” (NK; SV)
Before I agreed to go to earth, I needed to survey the situation. “First of all,” I remember thinking, “I must be born into a superior and wealthy family. My mother must not be a slutty drunk. That woman down there, Queen Maya, looks more than acceptable.” At that point, I turned to the gods. “I guess this is goodbye, old friends,” I said, then walked into Tusita City Park and flew down to earth. (NK)
I was conceived in the following way: In a dream, my mother was anointed with perfume
