Phew.
But also simmering happily was Brooke.
I turned, blurted, “Want something to eat?”
Her eyes lit up. “Do you have any more of those snickerdoodles? Kace only saved me one, and I finished the sequel to Jace’s book tonight.”
“So clearly, you need something to celebrate,” I said, pulling out my secret stash of cookies, because even though I liked to fit into my clothes, I liked sugary carbs even more. “When am I going to read it?” I asked when I’d grabbed us both mugs of milk and the cookies.
“The release date is later this year,” she said, then did some blurting of her own, “So, want to tell me why both you and Brent are doing the self-punishment thing?”
I’d just bit into a cookie and nearly choked at her question.
“Um, what?” I asked when I’d managed to stop choking.
“I know I’ve been in the writing world this week, but I haven’t missed the fact that you’ve been in the bar every night with goodies and that you’re disappointed when Brent isn’t there.”
“I—”
“Further that,” she said, talking right over me. “The stubborn man refused to let me or Kace check on him, which tells me that his back is actually bothering him, but since you’re not blushing and didn’t look remotely sexually satisfied when you came into the bar on Monday, I’d say that it didn’t occur in some strange bedroom accident that I definitely would want to write into a book.”
She paused to suck in a breath, and that break in her words would have been the perfect moment to tell her she was overstepping and to back off.
Instead, what came out when I opened my mouth was, “I was sexually satisfied.” Because the orgasm that Brent had given me was fucking incredible.
Silence. Then, “Ah.”
“It was just everything that came after it that was the problem.”
“He panicked? Or you?”
“I was a jerk.”
“Him,” she said, almost to herself.
“No,” I said, reaching across the table and taking her hand. “He confided in me, and I didn’t handle it with the sensitivity I should have, and—” Fuck, now my eyes burned. “He ran off, and I’ve been calling him and trying to catch him so I could apologize and—” I broke off, swallowing hard.
“You blew it,” Brooke murmured. “But you want to make it right.”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“How much did you blow it?”
“I nuked it,” I admitted.
“Well,” she said. “And here I thought I had it all figured out. I thought he’d panicked because he hasn’t cared about anyone in a long time, not since—” She broke off.
I met her eyes. “I’m sorry about your brother.”
She smiled sadly. “Thank you.” But then she inhaled and exhaled, and the sadness left her face. “I miss Hayden every day. I do. But I’m also at a point where I can remember the good times instead of feeling like my insides were sliced open when the memories pop up.”
I wasn’t sure what to say to that, so I just squeezed her hand lightly again.
“Brent isn’t there yet,” she murmured. “Which is why I thought what I did about the self-punishment thing. He still thinks he’s responsible, just like I think you’re still blaming yourself about your ex . . . at least, that’s what my nosy self thinks.”
I wanted to deny it, but Brooke wasn’t wrong. “I feel like an idiot for not having seen the signs.”
“I get that.”
“But that and what happened with Brent are two separate things. I really messed up with him. I deserved to be punished.”
“Punished how?” she asked carefully.
My breathing sped up at the quiet question, at the storm of emotions that had been brewing inside me for the last week, and finally, I couldn’t keep it all in. “I deserve to be hurt because I hurt Brent. I deserve to have you and Kace be mad at me.” I shook my head and dropped my eyes to the table. “I don’t deserve a decent man in my life. I don’t deserve to have all the goodness of Bobby’s or the friendship we’re building. I don’t deserve advanced copies or a successful business or—”
I broke off as a tear slid down my cheek.
Brooke didn’t say anything for a long moment.
Then, though her words were quiet, they still tore through me. “Is that really you talking? Or is that some bullshit your ex planted in your head to make you think you’re unworthy?”
“I—”
I faltered when the reality settled in.
Because I didn’t know.
Was it me? Or was it left over from Frank?
And I really, really needed to know the answer to that question before I could expect to move forward in my life.
The timer I’d set for the jam dinged, and I jumped up, Brooke following suit.
“I know I’ve already butted into your life,” she said, trailing me to the stove as I stirred the jam then transferred it into another container so it could cool quickly. “I know I’ve overstepped when we’ve just started being friends.” A brush of her hand down my arm. “And I also know that while I definitely have night owl tendencies, I don’t think you always do.”
I didn’t.
I was only up at this hour when I was unsettled.
When I’d worried about my business. After I’d found out about Frank. And now . . . because of Brent.
Brooke kept talking. “So, while I’m glad I checked on you and saw you were okay. I won’t keep butting in,” she said softly. “Just know that your ticket into my life, our friendship, isn’t dependent on Brent. I love the man. He’s as much of my brother as Hayden was.” She tucked a strand of hair behind one ear. “But you, sweetie, you’re great. All on your own. And I’m looking forward to knowing more of that greatness over many, many years of friendship. Brent, present or not.” A beat. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Thanks, Brooke.”
She hugged me. “I’ll see myself out.”
Another nod.
“Oh, Iris?” she asked from behind me.
“Yeah?” I was very deliberately
