“What about you?”
“Why aren’t I married?” The words popped out of his mouth full of surprise—both that she’d ask and that she didn’t already know. He was broken.
“No,” she said quickly, a flush rushing up her cheeks. “What do you do for a living?”
Half-relieved he didn’t have to wade into that minefield and half-disappointed that she wasn’t interested, Colter shrugged. “Since I left the military, I’ve been writing pieces for newspapers and magazines.”
It was part-time work he sometimes loved and sometimes hated. He loved being able to share his perspective, to give civilians a more accurate look into how the military worked. But it reminded him that he wasn’t where he belonged, in the middle of the action. It reminded him that he’d never be there again.
“The job is permanent?” she asked, probably picking up on his hesitation.
It was funny that he’d ended up writing, since his parents had always pushed him toward a career in communications. But it wasn’t his passion, just a way to pay the bills. “Nah.”
“So, what’s next?”
He frowned, his instinct not to answer. But she’d been honest with him, so it was only fair he do the same. “I don’t know.”
Most of his life, he’d had a goal. He’d known from an early age he wanted to join the military, fascinated by stories from his grandfather, who’d lived in Poland during World War Two. He’d tried to help people escape, gotten caught and been thrown into the gulag in Siberia for his efforts.
His grandfather hadn’t fought in the war. But he’d seen it firsthand and the injustices he’d described had made Colter long to change the world. It was a child’s wish, but it had matured into a man’s desire to make some kind of difference for people who couldn’t do it for themselves.
When he’d enlisted right out of high school, his parents had been shocked. They’d been so sure he’d grow out of what they considered a childish dream. But to him, it was all he’d ever wanted. Being a man without a mission was an uncomfortable feeling.
But even more so was this new mission he found himself on, helping Kensie. Because the more she pulled him back into the world, the more he realized he was going to have to figure it out. He couldn’t go back to the military. That part of his life was over, whether he wanted it to be or not.
He’d never again be Staff Sergeant Hayes. Now he was simply Colter. What exactly that meant, he wasn’t sure. Once he’d helped her, he needed to move on and figure out what was next for him.
It was easier said than done. Desparre wasn’t exactly teeming with opportunities for a guy who had no experience doing anything except being a soldier.
“Well, what about your family?” Kensie asked.
“What about them?”
“What do they think you should do next?”
“I have no idea. Move back home, probably.” He hadn’t asked and his parents hadn’t suggested anything. He’d never thought about it before, but it was strange. They’d tried so hard to convince him not to join up. Once he’d come home damaged, they’d done their best to get him to return to the sleepy Idaho town where he was born. When he’d come here, instead, it was as if they’d finally given up trying.
Kensie was frowning, so he tried to explain. “I’m an only child. They had me late in life and in some ways I think they never quite knew what to do with me.”
She frowned even harder, so he rushed on, “Don’t get me wrong. They love me. They just never understood me. Never got why I wanted to join the military or what I was looking for there. The military gave me a mission, camaraderie and a brotherhood. I know it’s different than your bond with your sister, because I didn’t grow up with them, but it’s a brotherhood all the same.”
He trailed off, wondering how he’d gotten onto this subject. The faces of his lost brothers flashed in his mind and he gulped in a deep breath, praying he wasn’t about to go into panic mode.
Rebel whimpered, scooting out from where she’d cozied up to Kensie to come around and nudge him. She was good at that, nudging him back to the present. Nudging him out of his panic.
Colter grounded himself by fisting his hand in her soft fur. He blew out the breath, focusing on evening out his heartbeat. It slowed and Kensie came back into focus, looking worried.
“I’m fine,” he said before she could ask. “Hard subject.”
“Why?” she asked slowly, like she was afraid she already knew the answer.
Colter pushed the words out fast, not wanting to linger on them. “They’re all gone. Every one of my brothers, dead in an ambush. I’m the only one still here and it’s not right. I should have gone with them that day.”
COLTER THOUGHT HE should be dead?
Kensie had been shocked into silence at his admission, especially after Colter dropped that secret and then hadn’t said another word about it. Even now, half an hour after he’d first told her, she was at a loss for words. She hadn’t even known him for two days, but already she couldn’t imagine the world without him.
And yet, how could she say that without sounding like she was infatuated with him or coddling him? Not to mention that now she felt horrible about the assumptions she’d made, thinking he was just hiding out in Alaska because he’d been injured.
She’d said terrible things to him when he’d gotten mad because she wasn’t up-front about the FBI’s assessment. Things about him not understanding loss, about how he should just get over his trauma. As if you could ever just get over losing your family, whether it was blood-related or chosen.
At least
