She turned her head to him, “Hm? Oh…” She smiled to herself before it fell. Looking forward again, her stomach churned in confusion as she ran her fingers through her hair, “…what would you do if I said I wanted to move out?” she asked. Seeing the look on his face, she quickly clarified, “It wouldn’t change what’s between us, Simon. I just…I don’t know. I’ve never been on my own and I just…I don’t know what I want. God damnit.” She whispered. Inhaling a deep breath, she leaned her head back while her feet dug in the sand, “What I’m saying is, as much as I love it at home with you and Jr., I’m questioning whether I want to try it. Don’t worry, it wouldn’t be forever because if you meant what you said about five years from now, I’m all for it. All you have to do is ask. I don’t know, even if it’s just a few months, I want to see if I can make it…you know? I don’t know…”
Through her indecisiveness, a part of Simon felt as though this was what she wanted all along. He was holding her back and she didn’t want to tell him. He remembered the times she wanted to get a job to pay her own way and he encouraged her to quit. Guilt settled inside of him. This was his fault. He hated the idea of her leaving and splitting the family up. That upset him because it meant taking Jasmine away and he couldn’t handle her absence. Wanting to ask about the kids, he had a bad feeling this was the start of her pulling away from him permanently. She just didn’t want to admit she was backing out.
A surge of volatile emotion coursed through his body. He opened his mouth to argue before he remembered what her doctor said about the men in her life. They all controlled, hurt, and suppressed her. That was the last thing he wanted to do. Simon swallowed all of his honest feelings and thoughts and gave her what he thought she wanted, “…If that’s what you think you need. Then do it…”
Cherish’s head snapped in his direction. His compliance was not what she expected to hear, “Oh…” Turning to face forward again, she approached the car and she stared at the pricy token of affection silently. Her lips curled in as she glanced towards the shadowed trees swaying in the gulf breeze. Tears clouded her vision as she quickly wiped them away before he saw, “Yeah. I guess I can check some places out and see if any of them feel like home.” She whispered. Heartbroken, she didn’t know how to go about this. The fact was, he didn’t confirm he wanted to marry her. He didn’t fight her as he always did whenever it was something he didn’t want or like. This broke her the most. He fought for anything he wanted, just not for her.
As they climbed up the beach, she placed their shoes in the backseat and dusted off the sand. Getting into the car behind him, she shut the door and slowly pulled the seatbelt on. Simon sat in the driver’s seat feeling empty. What she said ate away at him, “It won’t be home.” He whispered to her.
She blinked several times and was about to remind him that she wasn’t sold yet, but the look in his eye caused her to fall silent. Every happy moment she’d shared with him was gone and it showed. His home wouldn’t feel like one without her and he didn’t want to feel as though her possible new place would feel the same without him and Jr. He was trying not to be selfish or to lash out, but he needed time because he was mad at himself.
Not wanting to seem different or awkward, She wet her lips and turned on the radio after he started the car, “I can’t wait to see the kids…”
Turning his attention forward, he placed the car in reverse and backed up, “They’ll probably be asleep, but we can tuck them in again.” He tried, but his words were empty. Simon was conflicted because he was trying to do what was best for her, but he couldn’t help how terrible he felt. Shaking his head to himself, he needed to clear his head and go about this situation differently than he felt.
Driving, he took her home however long she would consider it such and told himself that he couldn’t interfere with her choices anymore.
Chapter 18
May 31st.
It was the Friday before the kids’ first birthday. A time which should have been full of excitement and happiness. Instead, a cloud hung over Simon’s head and he did little to hide his soured mood. He had given into Cherish’s plight to have her own place. A decision that’d socked him in the chest and put a bit of distance between them.
Looking back at the babies while driving, Jr. slept, and Jasmine watched her mommy and daddy. Cherish blew little kisses at her before she turned forward. Her hand gripped onto Simon's shoulder happily; even though some was forced. She couldn't keep in her excitement. She'd finally saved up enough money, plus the added boost from Jasmine on her income tax return, and they were looking into her first rental home. Of course, she felt as though she was breaking up the family, but she needed to at least look.
Simon, on the other hand, made the process harder on her than he should have. After the first few apartments, he nit-picked over them and nagged about how she was wasting her money. Any complaint that existed under the sun, he handed it out to Cherish daily. She knew he hated change and clung onto her, but he’d see soon enough, it
