‘You’re willing to settle for…’ She trailed off. ‘Just for that?’
‘What do you mean “settle”?’ This made sense. ‘I don’t think I’d be settling, Hester.’
‘What about your dreams, Alek?’
‘My what?’
‘Your dreams.’
He shook his head blankly, because that wasn’t the point. That wasn’t ever the point.
‘You don’t have any?’ she asked softly.
His gaze narrowed as she stepped closer. She’d done a magnificent job of masking her emotions with her hideous cousins, but her façade had truly cracked wide now. Now there was pure golden fire. ‘What about mine?’ she asked.
‘Uh…um…’
‘You want me to stay married to you?’ she clarified. ‘To have children with you? So are you saying you’re in love with me?’
Hester held her breath, but for once in his life her charming, usually so smooth husband was lost for words.
‘Didn’t think so,’ she muttered. ‘You rebelled so much against the control the Crown—that tradition, your father—all exerted over you. Would you really just accept that little now? Really agree to live such an empty life?’
His gaze narrowed. ‘Who’s to say it would be empty?’
Had he been concerned he’d got her pregnant and decided he’d better offer to make this a permanent deal? Her heart ached because for a second there, just for a second, she’d wanted to believe he meant it for real.
‘For so long, I’ve felt like I didn’t fit in,’ she said.
‘You fit in just fine here. You know we could make this work.’
‘I want more than to just make something work.’
And when he bored of her? What then?
‘We’re a lot alike, Hester,’ he argued. ‘You don’t really want all that either. You were happy to accept a convenient marriage.’
‘Temporarily, yes. But, actually, I do want “all that”.’
She wanted the whole package—marriage and children, a family built on a foundation of love. The love she’d not had since her parents died. And the irony of it was that it was thanks to the confidence and appreciation Alek had given her that she finally recognised that she could and should.
‘I deserve “all that”.’
‘You could have everything here.’
‘And what’s that? What’s “everything”?’
‘Security. Safety.’
‘That’s what you think I need?’ She gazed at him. ‘Because that’s not everything. That’s not the most important thing to me.’
‘Hester, it’s what you need.’
‘Is that really what you think?’ She gazed at him, horrified. Did he think he was ‘helping’ her somehow? Rescuing her? Trying to fix her life for her because he’d been unable to do that in his past? Because he’d seen her horrible cousins? ‘Am I just a win for your wannabe doctor ego?’ she asked, hurt. ‘I don’t want to be that. I don’t want your pity.’
‘You don’t have it.’ Arrogance glittered.
She didn’t believe him. ‘When we first met, you were furious at the fact you had to get married. You thought a marriage of convenience was the worst thing ever and you wanted to fling your own choice in their faces. But now you’ve decided it’s everything you’ve ever wanted? What, something superficial, some purely contractual, cool paperwork?’
‘We’re hardly cool paperwork between the sheets, Hester.’
‘That’s just… That’s not anything more than sex for you. You don’t want anything actually emotional.’
His jaw hardened and a wary look entered his eyes. ‘And you do?’
She looked at him sadly. ‘I’ve not let anyone close to me in a long, long time. Do you truly think I don’t feel anything more than just lust for you?’
He stilled and his expression shuttered. ‘Hester—’
But she was struggling to maintain her composure. ‘I don’t want to settle for safety and security. I want it all, Alek.’
He pressed his lips together. ‘What is it “all”, Hester? Moonbeams and fairy tales?’
‘Love isn’t an impossible fairy tale to me.’ She gazed at him. ‘My parents loved each other. I think yours did too.’
He’d turned into a statue. But she couldn’t stop her emotions from seeping through her once formidable control as in this most terrible of moments her feelings crystallised. Her ability to stay calm—to maintain her mask—vanished.
‘And yes, that’s the “everything”, the “all” I want. Love. And, honestly, I want it with you.’
He looked winded—as if she’d sucker-punched him instead of the other way round.
‘I can’t…say the same to you.’
Of course he couldn’t. It was the cruellest moment of her life—when she was so close, but so far from the one thing she really wanted.
‘It’s not you—’
‘Don’t.’ She held up her hand.
‘I can’t offer that to anyone, Hester.’ He overrode her furiously. ‘I never have, never will. It’s not in my make-up.’
‘That’s such a cop-out. Why? You’re that afraid?’
‘It’s not about being afraid,’ he snapped. ‘I just wanted—’
‘What? To make me feel better? To make me feel safe?’
He glared at her. ‘And what is so wrong with that?’
‘I don’t need you to keep me safe. I don’t need you to feel secure in my life. I just stood up to the worst people ever…and I didn’t need you there to do that.’
He swallowed.
‘I can do more than survive now, Alek. I can fight for what I want. The irony is that’s because of you.’ She shook her head. ‘You’ve made me feel like I can.’
He didn’t love her. He wanted her, yes, but that wasn’t enough.
‘And what I want—what I really want—is everything, “all that” and more with you. But because you don’t feel that deeply for me, you can’t understand that you’re hurting me without even realising it. That? That you couldn’t see that? You might be happy to live such a superficial, safe existence, Alek, but I’m not.’
‘You think I’m shallow?’
‘I’d hoped you weren’t. You’re good to your sister. I get that you’re trying to be good to me. You don’t understand how heartless it really is.’
‘Heartless?’ He scowled and his control began to slip. ‘Would you rather I lied to you?’
‘Of course not.’
He was angry. ‘Are you going to run away because I
