“I have so many apologies that I owe you; I don’t know where to start.”
I hear her breathing heavily. Not talking.
“Sammi? Will you talk to me? Like really talk to me?”
“Yes, Ali. Haven’t I through all this? Haven’t I?” She’s exasperated. I get it.
“I admitted everything to Raj. I told him everything. I told Blythe everything. It’s all out in the open now.”
She gasps loudly and then makes this loud curdling noise.
“Sammi? Are you okay?”
“I’m crying, you idiot. Can’t you hear that I’m crying?”
“I thought you were choking. I’m sorry. I’m so out of touch. I’m the worst friend.”
“You’ve been friends with the wrong people lately. That’s all. That’s what has to change.”
Even with everything that Blythe has done, Sammi will never understand our connection. I can’t defend her, I know this. The things she’s done. But Blythe’s experienced the kind of pain that I have. With her mother. With the Initiation. Sammi’s never experienced anything like that. Not with guys. Not with a parent.
“There are a lot of things you don’t know about Blythe. She’s not a robot. She’s a real person. She’s got layers, you know? Sometimes those layers have to be stripped away.”
“I’m sure she has an awful home life. I’m sure she’s very complicated, and she probably sees an expensive therapist on a daily basis. I’m sure she needs a box of tissues on her at all times. I think it’s great how empathetic you are, really. It’s honorable or something like that. But trust me, Ali, if you strip away Blythe’s layers, you’ll find a sharp dagger. She will stab you in the back if she has to. If she hasn’t already.”
That’s not how I see it. If we’re talking in metaphors, then Blythe wraps her hands around the dagger so she can protect herself.
35
BLYTHE
I drive to Dev’s after I drop off Ali. I want to hide in the dark and slip inside his room. Turn the clock back. But I have to pass his parents first and I’m a terrible girlfriend. I remind myself that they’re not expecting anything. Just me on a school night with my eyes swollen from crying. Another normal night.
Perfectly normal.
His mother lets me in, and I walk up the stairs, remembering what Sean said. A Christmas present. A Hanukkah present. There are so many lies.
“Your face looks puffy. Like you’ve been crying,” Dev says. But he doesn’t seem to care much. He’s cold, removed. Just staring at me as I wipe tears away.
“You don’t even care that I’m crying?”
“I have other thoughts on my mind.”
I sit on the edge of the bed, near him, but he shifts away from me.
“Dev, what the hell is going on?”
“Nessel told me you were canceling the Initiation. Good for you.”
“Canceling it?” I want to throw up. What else did Sean tell him? “Dev, I don’t get to so easily cancel it. I told him I was backing out of it. That I wasn’t going to be in charge of it.”
He gets up, pacing around his room, and I don’t know where to look. I don’t know how to follow him. Usually when Dev’s angry it’s because someone’s wronged me. My mother. My father. Now he’s directing that anger toward me. He knows something about me and Sean. That has to be it.
“I’m done being Sean’s bitch about Ali Greenleaf,” I say.
“What’s that even mean?”
“It means Sean isn’t my friend. He isn’t your friend. He’s using all of us.”
It feels so good to say this out loud. Even though it started just a few weeks ago, it was so different. Sean breathless, pulling me aside in the hallway, trying to convince me that I was the only one. Sean at my house, kissing me. That we were something. All of it lies. Just to get me to do what he wanted. To get Ali to shut up. To get me on his side.
“I have a question for you,” Dev says, stopping near the bed. Closer to me now. His chest rising. “Do you love Nessel?”
So there it is. Sean told him. He had to have.
“Dev—” I reach out to touch his hand, but he jolts away.
“Nessel told me you guys had a fight.”
“You could say that.”
“And that you might say something to me—something bad. That you might say something to me that I don’t wanna hear. And I’m thinking, Wow, what could B possibly say to me? And I start to get a little paranoid. Because you two have been so fucking secretive talking about Ali Greenleaf. Then I think, Wait, maybe they’re not just talking about Ali Greenleaf. Maybe there’s something else between them. And, damn, how fucking stupid am I? Maybe that’s why you’re here tonight. Not because of your mom. Not because of your dad. Maybe you’re here for another reason. To tell me something about you and Sean.”
“Dev, listen, that’s not why I’m here.”
But he hangs his head, stomps the floor.
“Just tell me the truth, Blythe!”
Dev’s mother calls up. Wants to know if everything’s okay.
“Stop yelling at me—your parents can hear us.”
“So what? I already told them. You don’t think I wouldn’t tell them, do you? I tell them everything. They’re not like your parents, B.”
It stings, as much as I know he’s right. This is how it works when you have people on your side. When adults look out for you. “The truth is that I love you, but I got so wrapped up feeling so sorry for him. That his life was spinning out of control. And he was so needy. Always asking me what to do. How to help him. He needed me, don’t you see? And I wanted that so badly, to help him.”
“Have you lost your mind? Nessel gets everything handed to him on a silver platter. He doesn’t need any fucking help. Because if it wasn’t you, it would
