She rolled her eyes. “Thank you, I think.” She lifted the bottle and took a long drink, her throat moving as she swallowed. “Most guys just like to spoon, but I think this is the best after-sex gift I’ve ever gotten.”
He grinned. “Told you you’d get thirsty.”
After they had drunk their fill, Kat leaned against his shoulder, and he placed an arm around her. He knew this little idyll couldn’t last, but he stupidly hoped it would. Those treacherous words filled his mind again—I love you—but he refused to let them free.
God, he’d never acted like this before. He’d only ever had sex in a bed, yet with Kat, he couldn’t control himself. The scariest part was that it wasn’t just that he desired her: it was that he wanted to be with her every hour of every day.
In a world all his own, he didn’t hear Kat’s words at first. “What did you say?”
“I asked what we’re doing.” She sat up so she could look him in the eye. “Or more specifically, what do you think it is?”
He rubbed a hand against his beard. He wasn’t stupid enough not to know what a potential minefield that question was. He weighed the pros and cons of honesty versus softening the blow. Remembering their conversation last night—about how Kat didn’t want to be some “rebound chick”—he finally replied, “I don’t know.”
She huffed out a breath. “That’s not an answer.”
“It’s as much an answer as I can give right now. Do you want me to lie and say I want to spend the rest of my life with you? Because I don’t know if that’s the case or not.”
His heart told him he was a liar, but he told his heart to shut up. Images of Teagan and his broken marriage were enough of a reason to keep his distance.
“So we’re just having an affair?”
“No!” He stood up to pace, and Kat watched him with wary eyes. “It’s not just a fling to me. And I know it isn’t for you, either.”
“Common sense tells me that a relationship built only on sex is just that: a fling.” She crossed her arms over her breasts, and then she let out a sigh. “I keep telling myself this is a bad idea, but I can’t stay away from you. It’s like some compulsion.”
He barked out a laugh. “I’m not sure that’s a compliment.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be. But I’m also not going to lie and say we don’t have something more between us than sexual attraction.” When he didn’t deny it, she just nodded. “I’m scared too, Gavin,” she whispered.
The word scared was like a thorn in his heart, and it stabbed him, over and over again. “This doesn’t have anything to do with being scared.”
“Doesn’t it?”
“No, it doesn’t. I’m just trying to keep you safe. Don’t you get it? I’m poison. My wife almost died and I couldn’t save her from that. How can I have another relationship without repeating the same mistake?”
Kat covered her mouth, and he realized he hadn’t told her about Teagan overdosing. But he needed her to understand. In a ragged voice, he said, “Teagan tried to kill herself. She overdosed on painkillers, and Emma found her on the bathroom floor. We didn’t know if she’d survive the night.” All he could see now was Teagan, the ambulance, the paramedics, his daughter’s dry eyes. “She was sick for so long and I tried to get her help. I tried to get her to take her meds. Hell, I threatened divorce every time she decided she didn’t need her meds anymore. I told her I’d take Emma and run. I made ultimatum after ultimatum; I hid the pills she’d get from ten different doctors.”
Kat got up and touched him on the arm. “You can’t blame yourself, Gavin. You can’t.”
“Of course I can. She was my responsibility, when she got so bad she couldn’t take care of herself. But I failed her, and I failed Emma.” He gripped her forearms, because he had to make her see. “I will not be the cause of another woman’s downfall. I won’t watch as she gets sicker and sicker and everything falls apart.” He practically growled the next words, and he knew he was gripping her arms too tightly. But she didn’t even flinch. “Do you get it now, Kat?”
Her eyes glimmered with tears, but they didn’t fall. “I get it,” she breathed. “I get that you blame yourself, because you think you have to save everyone. You can’t save everyone, Gavin.” She smiled, a smile so sad that it tore him apart. “Now you’re throwing away what could be because of that fear.”
She finally pulled away, and he let her go. He didn’t want to let her go, but he knew without a doubt that he had to.
“I’m sorry,” he said to her back.
She sniffled, turning to look over her shoulder at him. “If you were really sorry, or really wanted things to be different, you would make them happen.” He flinched as she turned to face him once again. “I know what it’s like to lose people, Gavin. I’ve been alone for so much of my life that it’s almost second nature, but I also know when I’m screwing myself over for no reason. And that’s what you’re doing—to me, and to yourself.”
“Kat…”
“I hope you figure things out. I really do.” She kissed him on the cheek before she walked away.
Chapter Thirteen
Kat didn’t know where she would go now. She couldn’t go back to Gavin’s apartment, could she? She drove to Lillian’s place, ignoring the boarded-up window and the police tape left behind in some spots. A police car sat parked some yards away, always on watch. At least she wouldn’t be completely alone.
The house seemed especially lonely tonight. She flipped on a light and wandered through the house, stopping in her grandmother’s room. She found herself crawling onto the bed that was covered in a quilt
