Cole shook his head, and slumped forwards, cradling his head in his arms. I hated it. I hated that he carried with him through his childhood a burden he never should have even considered bearing. “Cole, you were only four. What would you know? Who was supposed to be babysitting you? They shouldn't have left you and your brother alone, not in the bathroom."
He stilled. I pushed on. "Where was your mom?"
He looked away. "She was...on her phone." He looked at me again. "I only know this because it's the main reason behind my parents' divorce. All those years after Nathan's death that they stayed together...they were horrible. When they finally divorced when we were fifteen, the shouting and bitterness stopped. But...I was too selfish to see that it was a good thing they were not together anymore."
He turned and took my hands. "Ella. I owe you an apology. If not for Hans' actions, for hurting you so many times when you arrived here. I don't expect your forgiveness, but please hear me out. I really - when I first saw you in the car at the airport - I immediately hated you on principle. You were one of the many things that proved to me how bad a turn my life had taken. I blamed my parents' failed marriage on me. My brother's death was because of me - two brothers, now." He choked on the words. "So when I saw you that day, I vowed with everything I had that I would drive you away, both you and your mom."
I rubbed circles on the back of his hand, urging him to continue, to unburden. I knew I had forgiven him a while back, but it seemed that he hadn’t forgiven himself.
"Even though you were the sweetest, most undeserving of people to have to bear the brunt of all my anger...I'm so sorry, Ella. I'm so, so sorry."
I let him find solace in my embrace, knowing that my presence next to him was what he needed, more than any words I could say. I vowed he would see that he was a victim of circumstances, even though it drove him to lash out at times. He had led a nightmare of a life, despite outward appearances. Bearing a deep guilt no one had to carry, one that I believed he hadn't expressed to anyone - at least not enough to be unshackled from it. I wanted him to see how I saw him, a young boy left to believe he was at fault, and to grow up thinking he had killed his brother, and for this, I vowed to stay by his side, no matter what.
"Cole. You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing."
Chapter 28
A year later
Cole
I stood, looking out the window, although not seeing the view spread out in front of me. Not able to, not when my world had been turned upside down, a part of my soul ripped away from me. Hans had been buried right next to Nathan, and I swore when I had left the cemetery, a part of me had stayed behind, buried with him. The void inside my chest hadn't stopped aching, and there wasn't a single day I didn't think of him, of what I could've done differently. I remembered that day despite the anguish and despair that had blinded me - and I knew it would never, ever fail to haunt me for the rest of my life.
"Cole, it's time to go," Ella said softly. I turned to look at her, the girl who had stayed by my side the entire time, her golden hair now brushing her shoulders, soft and beautiful like spun silk. I bent to pick up the bags at my feet, and glanced around the living room, trying to commit it to memory one last time. It would be a while before I would come back here, anyway. I was going to major in Psychology in college, with classes starting next week. I had missed all the signs of a troubled Hans, and couldn't let it go. Perhaps, I could help others to try to assuage the gnawing guilt inside me for not having helped Hans when he had needed it. Whether it would work or not was a separate issue. The important thing was, I had to try. I glanced towards Ella, and nodded.
Ella slipped her hand inside mine as she took one of the bags from me. "Ready?" she asked, concern etched in her delicate features. I nodded, squeezing her hand in mine. She had been my saving grace, my rock at a time when I was sure I would've gone under. But the stresses of the year were nothing compared to what my twin had endured. Nothing. Yet Ella's voice kept on reminding me: Hans had been ill, and despite us being identical, he may have been born with a disposition completely different from mine, that may have made him more aggressive, and view violence differently. It wasn't my fault he had slaughtered my pets - we had both been far too young to have learned it from somewhere - and it wasn't my fault now that he had deteriorated despite therapy. Some day, I was going to believe her, and I wondered if today would be that day.
I could hear footsteps behind us, and turned to see my father, older, perhaps wiser, coming to bid me farewell. Our relationship was on the mend, slowly but surely, ever since that fateful day. We were more open with each other now, expressed ourselves more, learning from Hans and all the lessons of the past year. I was closer to him than I had ever been before, and that was perhaps the one good thing that came out of it all.
I glanced at Ella. The two good things. We stepped forward and didn't look back, leaving my father alone with Susan in that empty house. There was no wedding
