The little green monsters continue to stand there breathing and watching me like they’re waiting for me to make the first move. Maybe they’re not here to hurt me?
“You little fellas lost?” I ask in my best cute puppy coo.
The Gate could be messed up. Maybe because I left the job, it’s just open or some shit, and these guys got stuck on the wrong side? I have no idea how it all works, but they could’ve tracked me down because they’re trying to get home or something?
My chronic wishful thinking turns to concrete in my chest when they suddenly all start to growl at me. It would appear that the buff little green demons don’t like to be cooed at. Or maybe it was my use of little fellas that got their taints in a clench? Who knows.
I clear my throat and do my best to sound manly. Maybe they speak meathead? “Yo, bro, whatta ya say we bench something and grab a protein drink instead of whatever else you’re here to do?”
I puff out my chest and step off my moped, giving a friendly little man grunt as I do, but my movement is like a red flag to a bull. The buff green demons start flipping and climbing up on each other until they’re no longer twelve separate beings, but now appear to be a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger from Hell.
My head tilts up and up and up. The top of them now nearly reaches the roofs of the buildings we’re sandwiched between. I immediately try to work out how I’m going to defend myself from this colossal clusterfuck of green muscled rage. I could chuck my ramen at them, but aside from the potential scurvy they could get from eating too much of it, that’s a shit plan, and I’m fucked.
The hulking mass takes a threatening step toward me, and I unclip my helmet from my head and wrap the strap around my fist. Maybe I can get a couple hits in before they rip me apart. Man, who am I fucking kidding? I’m not the Karate Kid. I’m about to die.
The Jolly Green Giant of my nightmares picks up speed, and suddenly I’m struck by a thought. “Sweep the leg,” I mumble to myself, recalling the only other thing I remember from the Karate Kid movies aside from wax on, wax off. “Sweep the motherfucking leg!” I scream to myself in triumph as I snap my helmet back on and swing a leg over my moped. I rev it up like the threat it is and glare at the demons running toward me.
The wheels give a scream of protest as I take off like a drunk snail and head straight for the mountain of green demons. I curse my ancient, slow ass scooter as it takes its sweet fucking time to gain speed. The speedometer needle passes twenty, and I growl-scream as I ignore every self-preservation instinct I have and barrel right for the demon tower. We close in on each other, and when we’re about fifteen feet away, I purposely lean too far to the right, and then attempt to jump off.
It’s way fucking harder than the movies make it look.
I grunt in pain as I roll brutally to a stop on the pavement. My moped goes skidding toward the running demons, and I watch in awe as it slams into their leg tower and sends the demons crashing down.
Screams fill the air, and I cover my ears against the sound as my impromptu “bowling for demons” plan works, and they all fall down like Humpty fucking Dumpty, into a dozen pieces.
I don’t stick around to see them get up. I pick my road-rashed ass up and sprint as fast as I can toward the main road. Sorry, moped. Sacrifices have to be made.
One good thing about living in a city with way too many people? I don’t have to run far before I run into someone. I haul ass toward the gas station, and the first pump I get to has a man in his forties climbing into a convertible. Perfect. I take a running leap at it and jump into the passenger’s seat. My landing is slightly off though, so the gear hits me right in my baby maker. “Motherfucker!”
Men think they own the pain rights when it comes to shots in between the legs, but I can officially swear to the fact that it hurts like a bitch for women too. Startled, the man gapes over at me as I quickly remove my leg from his lap and rub my sore crotch as I settle into the passenger seat. I whip my head around to look behind me for the green monsters, but so far, I’ve outrun them.
“Umm...Excuse me? What the fuck are you doing?” the man demands. He rubs at his side and his thigh like my jumping on him caused some kind of injury. Considering I’m scraped all to hell and being chased by murderous demons, I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for him right now.
I shoot him a look, though the movement hurts my neck because I’m pretty sure I pulled a muscle from my moped maneuver. My cheek also hurts like a bitch. Basically, the whole side of my face and my palms feel raw from my pavement slide. “Just drive!”
He looks aghast. “What? No. Get out of my car! I don’t even know you.”
I quickly shove my hand out and grab his, ignoring the stinging pain in my palm so I can give his hand a forceful, trustworthy shake. “I’m Delta. Nice to meet you. You are?”
“Umm, Tom?”
“Great, Tom. I’m gonna need you to fucking drive now, okay? Because there are scary green men chasing me, and they don’t look friendly.”
Tom frowns at me, but I must look crazy enough to scare him into action, because he puts his car into gear and starts pulling away just as I
