Chapter 13
Lauren
I am in hell. Something or someone out there is driving the karma bus right into me. What I want to know is, what the fuck did I do wrong and to whom?
Not only is my boss, the bane of my existence, sitting at a table in my backyard with my parents at their anniversary brunch—after he sent me a yard-full of penis balloons, every single penis-themed party decoration known to man, and more penis-shaped chocolates on a stick than one woman could ever possibly eat— but as if that weren’t enough, I’m now face-to-face with what appears to be the entire cast of the Australian all-male revue Thunder From Down Under.
“Hey, there, mate, we are here to party,” he taunts with a thrust of his hips.
“Please, you obviously aren’t even from Australia. That accent sounds Jamaican.” I put my hands on my hips, and I’m pretty sure that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Visions of me picking up a knife and stabbing him in the fucking heart in a fit of rage dance through my head.
“Party was cancelled. But you can charge the card twice for your trouble,” I tell them before slamming the door. I head back out to the backyard and look right at the man who has set this particular nightmare in motion.
I see Rachel in the chair next to him, and watch as his head lifts, eyes seeking mine. I see it, the moment his eyes recognize the fury in mine and he realizes that I’m onto him.
“Okay, folks,”—he gets up—“I hate to cut out early, but…” he stammers, “but, but…” He looks to Noah for help, but Noah is too focused on whatever Kaleigh is saying. Austin kicks Noah’s chair to get his attention.
His eyebrows shoot up when Austin says urgently, “Gotta go,” then glances over at me and continues, “Now would be good.”
I don’t know if Noah knows what is happening or not, but he throws his napkin on the plate in front of him “This has been fun,” he murmurs, trying to escape while keeping an eye on me at the same time.
“Running off so early, guys?” I sing-song as I come up behind them.
“We intruded,” Austin says. “Thank you for having us. Dede, Frank, I wish you many more years of happiness,” he rushes out on a wave as he hurries out the side gate.
Kaleigh gets up. “What did I miss?”
“The entire cast of Thunder From Down Under just arrived.” I look around to see if the guests are okay. I can’t wait for this party to be over.
She looks around excitedly, pulling her skirt up a bit. “Where? Are they inside? Shit, do I look okay?” She fluffs her hair.
“Kaleigh,” I whisper-hiss, “they aren’t here anymore. I sent them away.”
She groans. “Why? Why would you do that?” She runs to the side gate to see if they’re still in the driveway. “Buzz kill.” She calls me as she picks up Rachel. “Can you protect me from Mommy?” she whispers in her ear before blowing kisses in her neck.
I sit down in my chair and immediately start drinking another glass of wine as I try to calm myself by counting down from ten. It takes four times before I no longer feel like I am a danger to myself or others.
The rest of the afternoon goes by without any further penis-related incidents. All cupcakes have been consumed, minus the penis cake toppers that I removed before serving them.
Once everyone has left, I plop down into my chair and throw my feet up on the one Austin sat in. “That was fun, right?” Kaleigh asks.
“You told people I had a strange excessive hair issue on my hoo-ha that required a complicated bikini wax and styling.” I glare at her.
“I was trying to get Josh to imagine that you're a woman with a hairy bush so he doesn't ask you out again!” She drinks from the wine glass she is holding in her hand. “You’re welcome.” She smirks.
“What the hell are we going to do with all those penis balloons?” I look around, hoping to see that some of them are deflating. Sadly, they are all still fully erect and happily smiling at me. “Asshole,” I grumble under my breath.
“What’s the story with Noah?” Kaleigh tries to be casual so I don’t pick up on her curiosity over him.
“No idea. He’s Austin’s best friend from what I gathered today,” I tell her while looking at Rachel, who is running in circles with, unfortunately, a penis balloon in her hand. “Ten minutes to bath time!” I call out, hoping she acknowledges me, but she just continues her one-girl—with a penis balloon—parade.
“Mom,” I hear Gabe call from behind me. “Can I go to Jesse’s house to kick around the ball?”
I check my watch and see it’s almost seven. “Only for thirty minutes, okay?” I know he’ll be forty-five minutes.
“So, what are you going to do to Austin for all of this?” Kaleigh asks, pointing to the balloons.
“Nothing.” I smirk. “We called a truce.”
“I know that smirk. I’ve been on the receiving end of that smirk!” She sits up.
“I mean, we called truce today, right? We didn’t call truce on Wednesday when he made me run back out for a fucking crisp kosher pickle, because the one that came with his sandwich was limp, right?” I ask her with a perplexed smile on my face.
“What did you do now? From the pictures, his balls were almost the size of Gabe’s soccer ball.”
I slap the table. “You saw pictures?” My mouth hangs open.
She nods her head yes. “I did. Not the actual frank, though, just the beans. But they were ginormous.” She motions with her hands, forming them into huge round objects in the air. “Now, what did you do!”
“Nothing that will make any part
