Just not the orientation you think I’m going to.
“Great. You know, Pepper, I think this move will be good for you. I really hope that you take advantage of all your opportunities.”
And cue the guilt and shame.
“Thanks, Mom. I think this move will be good for me too.”
Up until you uncover my filthy lie and drag me home.
“Your father and I still want to come visit.”
“Oh … well, why don’t I finish getting settled in and start classes, and I’ll let you know when I’m free?”
“Sounds good, honey. I love you. Have a great day!” She sounds like rainbows and sunshine, and I’m feeling like cloudy skies and thunderstorms now.
Why can’t I just tell her what I’m doing?
I don’t want to be a failure—no one wants to be a failure—but my parents believe in me so much, and I can’t bear striking out on my own and disappointing them. Even though I know every minute I continue with this charade, I’m a disappointment.
“Hey, Mom?” I say quickly, deciding to come clean on a whim.
But I’m met with silence. She hung up.
What a tangled web indeed. I roll my eyes as Ben’s words pop into my head, haunting my sad thoughts.
I let my mind drift across the hallway.
Is he still asleep? Is he awake? Is he thinking about me?
Shut up, brain.
I roll over and punch my pillow. Whoever thought it was a good idea to let me move in with a guy who has chiseled abs and a dark, quiet, and broody soul was obviously on crack. Oh, wait, it was me. I was the one who said yes.
I desperately need to get rid of this brewing sexual tension. My stomach is clenching, and I feel tingly as I reach into my nightstand and blindly run my hand around before it connects with my Tylenol. I open the cap and pop two in my mouth, washing it down with lukewarm water from yesterday. I sigh, throwing the bottle back in my nightstand, and then my hand touches the silky bag stashed lovingly in the corner.
I laugh to myself as I pull the bag out, letting it dangle in front of my face as I stare at it.
Is this crossing a boundary when I’m seeing images of Ben in my head?
Obviously, it is. But my roommate doesn’t need to know. I pull the ties apart and release my bullet vibrator from its plush prison. Toggling the button on, I feel the vibrations coursing through my hand as I war with myself over what to do.
“Screw it,” I say.
I reach to push my underwear down to my thighs, slowly lowering the vibrator, which has served me through my long years of virginity and vaginal loneliness.
I touch it to my clit, jumping slightly at the contact and the pleasure it sends through me. I’m already wet after thinking about He Who Should Not Be Named. Otherwise known as Ben. I flash back to when we stood outside my door in the hallway, him wrapped in a towel and little beads of water rolling down his chest through the valleys of his muscles where his six- or eight- or twelve-pack rests.
I let the vibrator slip lower, pushing it through the wetness as it heads to the promised land. Slipping it just inside my pussy, I slide my hand across both breasts, tweaking my nipples and lightly brushing around each areola, imagining strong hands touching me. I let out a moan and throw my head back as the vibrations make me squeeze my legs together. Opening them again, I pull back out to rub it around the sensitive nub of my clit.
I push my free hand between the dip of my breasts as I lightly tickle the skin down my stomach. Moving to my legs, I feel the wetness that has seeped out, coating my thighs. I don’t think I’ve ever been this wet. I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on with a guy or even while thinking about one.
I plunge a finger inside me as I feel myself contract. The pressure builds until I’m coming hard with an audible moan. My legs and arms tingle, and my core clenches with pleasure as I let the sensations settle over me. My skin feels flushed, and I smooth the sweaty tendrils of hair stuck to my forehead back. I turn my vibrator off and lift it away. I thought I would be sated, but I only feel needier. Maybe the vibrator isn’t enough for me anymore.
I jump as my door rattles with a knock.
“Pepper?”
Oh God. Did he hear me?
“Yeah?” My voice comes out as a squeak, and I feel like my whole body is on fire.
“Are you still going with me to pick up Danger today?”
“Yeah, um … yes. What time do you want to leave?” I ask, clearing my throat.
There’s a pause and a rustle as I imagine Ben pulling his phone out to check the time.
“Can you be ready in an hour?”
“Yep, yeppers, yesh,” I say and then smack my palm against my forehead.
I hear a slight chuckle from the other side of the door, and my face flames.
“Okay, the bathroom is free if you need to shower or whatever.”
“Thanks.” I check the time before hopping off my bed and grabbing some clothes from my dresser. I need a quick shower to clear my head and prepare for this time with Ben, so I don’t second-guess everything I just did.
After showering and throwing on some mascara and lip gloss, I stare at myself in the mirror and sigh. I don’t think I can look Ben in the face after what I just did, and now, I’m going to meet his parents. And his dog.
What if Danger hates me? That would be the kiss of death.
I can win over parents, but a dog’s distrust is hard to come back from.
It’s just the nerves talking, I think as they make my belly flitter.
Smoothing the flyaway hair gathered around my temple, I lean over and open
