He frowned. Okay, so maybe I hadn’t gotten that… detailed... about that particular piece of my history before.
But oh well.
“I swear to you,” I said, “I would tell you anything from my past that you wanted to know about, Ronan. Anything.”
“You’re right,” he said. “I need to tell you about this. But… are you sure you really want to hear it right now?” He eyed the ring box that he’d brought with us and set on the bed beside me.
“That’s just on pause,” I said. “So you can tell me this. You have to know by now that there’s no way I’d agree to marry a man who wouldn’t first tell me about his previous wife.”
“Shit. You’re right. I fucked this up.”
“You did not.”
“I should’ve told you sooner. I guess I thought we’d get engaged and have that fairytale ending you dreamed of, and one day I’d just casually slip it in or something… and at that point it wouldn’t matter anymore.”
“Are you kidding me?”
He looked kinda pale again. “I’m not. But I just heard myself say it and I can’t believe you’d even consider marrying me now.”
“Ronan. You’re proposing. Don’t fuck this up.”
He took a breath and blew it out. “I’m really trying not to.”
“Then tell me about this bitch you were married to.”
He smirked. “How did you know she was a bitch?”
I sighed. “Because if this was a she’s-a-great-person-but-we-just-grew-apart situation, I’m pretty sure you would’ve at least mentioned her existence in passing by now.”
“Yeah. That’s true. And I’m not saying she’s not a good person…”
“But…?”
“But, it’s complicated.”
“Life is complicated,” I said, patiently, like I had all fucking night for this shit. I wasn’t exactly the most patient person, so he knew I was serious about this.
He sighed again. It was actually more of a growl of frustration. “Okay. Keep in mind I’d just turned nineteen.”
“Okay…”
“I’d known her since I was twelve, but we didn’t date until high school, on and off. In retrospect, I think she pretty much started dating me to avoid Piper.”
“She didn’t like him?”
“Who knows. I never could quite figure that part out.”
“Go on.”
“So… we were newly married. And as it turned out, she was pretty adventurous. In the bedroom. Or so I thought… It was her idea to bring another woman into our bed.”
I raised an eyebrow at him.
“I know. I was young. I mean, I was still a teenager. I wasn’t gonna turn down that opportunity. So we messed around with a friend of hers a few times. Then I pulled the classic came-home-early-from-work one day, unawares—”
“Oh, Ronan.”
“Yeah. My life’s a cliche.”
“She was in bed with the other woman? Without you.”
“Oh, yeah. I walked right in on them.”
“And?”
“And she told me she was in love with this woman. She was really upset. We’d been friends a long time, but I never saw it coming. Like I said, I was young. She told me she was afraid to come out to her family, and she begged me not to tell anyone and not to divorce her. So, I didn’t.”
“Whoa.” I studied him. “Wait a sec. You’re not telling me you’re still married to this woman, are you?”
“Actually…”
“Ronan! Fuck, no.”
“No. We, uh, finally got a divorce… last year.”
“Are you serious?”
“Unfortunately.”
I took a moment, just letting this sink in. And trying to reconcile this information with all the things I knew about the man in front of me. The man who’d just asked me to marry him.
His protective nature.
The sacrifices he’d made, historically, for other people, often at a high cost to his own comfort.
The big, soft heart he’d tried to lock away under a layer of icy control…
But even then. Compassion and self-sacrifice had limits, didn’t they?
“You stayed married to someone for fifteen years,” I said slowly, “because she didn’t want to tell her family she was gay?”
“Uh, fourteen and a bit, technically. And she told them a few years ago. I mean, maybe they knew by then. We were legally separated the whole time. But when you say it like that… it does sound a bit extreme.”
“Kinda. You really care about her, I’m guessing?”
“I cared about her like I’d care about a friend who needed my help. Over the years, that was all our relationship was about. It was one-sided. She needed me, and I did what I could. She never offered anything in return. I barely saw her.”
“She used you,” I concluded.
“Yeah,” he admitted. “She did. And I let her. And just like the other times I let people use me… that’s probably the part that still bothers me the most.”
Yeah; I could feel the weight of that. It was heavy on him. His one greatest vulnerability…
The man was a protector, almost to a fault.
He’d done what she’d asked of him, to protect her, no matter how it inconvenienced him or even hurt him. I could see it—it did hurt him. It hurt to be used.
It hurt his pride and it probably hurt his faith in humanity. His belief that there were people who would truly love him without trying to take advantage of his innate goodness. His selflessness.
“You’re amazing, Ronan,” I told him.
“Don’t feel so amazing right now,” he confessed. “I feel like I’m fucking up the most romantic moment of your life.”
“You’re not.”
“I wish I’d told you sooner.”
“Just tell me now, so I can understand. You never felt the need to divorce her ass, so the awkward I’m-married-to-a-lesbian conversation didn’t have to come up on dates?”
“Well, I pretty much avoided that conversation on dates.”
“You don’t say.”
“The thing is… I just never got anywhere close enough in another relationship to even consider getting married again, so it never seemed urgent to press her for a divorce.”
“Until last year?”
“She asked me for a divorce last year. She met someone, and they wanted to get married.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“Nope.”
“Please tell me you didn’t go to the wedding.”
“I didn’t. I don’t hold a grudge. But I didn’t go.”
“Glad to hear it. On both counts.”
He took both of my hands in his. “I’m not angry about any
