Outwardly, I think I succeeded in seeming fine.
Inwardly, I had to hold the pieces together with musical crazy glue.
I made so many new playlists during those three weeks. Some of them, understandably, were about heartbreak. The volume and fervor of those playlists kind of surprised me though, given that our relationship had been so brief and tumultuous. But maybe it made sense. After all, the sex had been mindblowing, a total dopamine rush, and my body craved him like it craved sugar and fat.
But more than that, I’d been vulnerable with him...and he’d turned it against me. And even though he’d said he hadn’t meant it after the fact, it made me feel like no sane, whole person would accept me for who or what I was, no matter what they promised me. I was broken and couldn’t be fixed, even by a guy as sweet and caring as Ian had been. Maybe I was lamenting the fact that my heart would never be whole.
And now that I was back at Asher’s place, it felt like nothing had really changed. Like I’d gone one step forward and two terrible, heartbreaking steps back.
But you know...that was how life was. You fell, you got up, and you kept trying until you got to the top. I wallowed at times, and I cried, maybe a bit too much. But with each new tear, my determination grew. My days of running from my problems were over. I was going to get my shit together and live the life that I wanted.
My life.
◆◆◆
I started by telling Asher the truth.
We were sitting together, him on the floor, me on the couch, splitting a pizza from the place right down the block. We’d spent the evening watching the trashiest of television together and laughing at the ridiculous couples that got together. After one particularly terrible quote from a guy who’d been catfished, we were both howling with laughter. He took my hand and kissed it, smiling so sweetly at me from where he was sitting.
I slowly pulled my hand away.
“Asher...we should talk.”
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “It’s...hopeless, isn’t it?” The commentators on the show guffawed at yet another catfishing victim. Asher reached for the remote and turned off the TV.
I slipped onto the floor to sit next to him, then took a deep breath. It was time. “You know how much I love you, Asher. I really, really do love you, but...only as a friend. I don’t want to lead you on or give you the impression that things are going to change. I’m sorry.”
He nodded, taking things in stride. “I figured. I just wish you’d told me sooner.”
I looked down, ashamed. “I know. I’m sorry. I was just...scared that you wouldn’t let me stay. And I didn’t know what else to do.”
He laughed mirthlessly. “I’m not a kid, you know. We can talk about things like adults.” He ran his fingers through his long, curly hair. “And you can stay as long as you want. Just...let me know how I can help.”
I placed my hand on his shoulder, relief flooding through every cell. I hadn’t lost him. “Thanks, Asher. I mean it. I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me. But I definitely don’t want to hold you back. I’m going to find a new place soon, I promise.”
“No rush,” he said, getting up and pulling a beer out of the fridge. “It’s fun having you around.” He tentatively smiled, and I smiled back. Friends.
◆◆◆
Because I was back at Asher’s, I also walked past the climbing gym everyday. Just another painful reminder of Ian, of what I was missing. As were mentions of California…anytime I heard the word European...the eggplant emoji...ginger. Sigh. I still peeked in when I walked by, but I knew that I wouldn’t find what I was looking for.
But one day as I was walking past, I saw Lina on her way in. On instinct, I waved. “Lina!”
“Anna!” To my surprise, she came up and hugged me, long and hard. “Long time, no see! Are you climbing today?”
“Oh, no, I don’t...I mean, Ian…”
She held up a hand to stop me. “I know you used to climb with him, but you were making progress on your own. If you keep at it, you’ll be a crusher in no time.”
My eyes filled with tears. I wanted to be a crusher. I wanted to crush at everything.
Lina put her hand on my shoulder, her big brown eyes full of compassion. “It looks like you could use a climbing session. Want to come in? I’ve got a guest pass.”
I looked down at my clothes. Luckily, I did have leggings on, but my sweater was cashmere. A lucky thrift store find, one that I didn’t want to muck up with sweat. As if reading my mind, Lina said, “I’ve got a spare t-shirt if you need to borrow one.”
I nodded, grateful. I could really use the endorphins. And maybe a friend.
◆◆◆
Without Ian around, Lina was totally different.
Before, she mostly just talked to us about climbing. We focused on the problems and worked through them together, and that was the extent of our relationship.
She still pushed me to climb hard, same as before. But now, she actually talked to me (“Guys always think I’m flirting if I talk about anything other than climbing,” she’d laughingly explained). She asked me about work, about my weekends, about music. I did the same, and was thrilled to discover that we had a ton to talk about.
She was doing her PhD in Chemistry at NYU. I’d gone to NYU for undergrad. We compared notes on the best work nooks
