Descending into intoxication, his body relaxed for the first time in days. Gibson had been wrong, he was not the hope these people needed, he was not their strength. He was lucky if any of them listened to him at all.
While the rest of the survivors slept, he’d opted to take watch for what remained of the night. Without a distraction he could not switch off, so many blank spaces where solutions should fit perfectly. He believed Sol’s drug story, and to a degree he believed Sebastian. His own morality was not unstained either. Nobody here really knew him, nor did they need to.
Movement in the camp stirred his groggy interest; somebody was awake.
‘Is this what constitutes keeping watch?’ Abbey yawned. She smoothed a patch in the sand and took a seat. ‘Getting wasted on Duty-Free and counting stars?’
‘A drink seemed appropriate,’ he replied wryly, handing over the bottle.
He watched the graceful arc of Abbey’s throat as she raised the bottle to her lips and took several long burning swallows. He didn’t avert his gaze until she wiped her mouth and handed the bottle back.
‘Can’t sleep?’ he asked.
She shook her head slowly. ‘I keep capturing the scene over and over. Elaine just kneeling there, defenceless. Oh, James, the way she fell. What kind of a person does it take to do something like that to another human being?’
‘It wasn’t your fault, Abbey,’ he assured her gently. ‘I don’t know why Elaine was out there so late, but she must’ve had her reasons. If somebody was lying in wait, she wouldn’t’ve stood a chance.’
Abbey smiled weakly.
‘That kind of detachment,' James went on, 'that level of blankness, he’s probably killed so many times it no longer has any meaning for him. It’s how some soldiers turn in the middle of a war zone. His country says it’s okay for him to kill his enemy, so in war murder is authorized. It’s bullshit. A personally tailored justification is a more accurate description. In the end, taking a life harbours no more emotion than drinking a cup of coffee.’
Taking back the bottle, she murmured, ‘Where was Elaine’s God? All her life she’s devoted herself to some higher purpose, some belief that good things will happen if she’s a good person. You heard the stories, she’s had to work hard to be happy, and then she winds up going out like that.'
Tentatively, James reached over and retrieved the bottle. ‘How do you even know it was Elaine?’ he questioned. ‘You never saw her.’
Focused on the breakers, she replied, ‘Then where is she now?’
Perhaps a minute passed in silence, when something occurred that James never thought he would see. Abbey began to cry.
‘Don’t look at me,’ she sniffed.
Glowing under the pallid moon, she seemed so defenceless. He wanted to move closer, throw an arm around her, hug her, kiss away her tears. He stayed where he was, instead handing back the bottle.
She accepted it graciously, took a small sip. ‘We’re never getting off this island, are we?’
‘We have to. I have to return some DVDs before next Friday.’
Abbey snorted. 'I think you're as scared as the rest of us.'
‘When you first found me,’ he said softly, ‘I was paralysed, remember? As I lay there drowning, I kept thinking, why? You know, why can’t I move? When I came around from the impact, there was this…screaming. I can still hear it now, this awful sound coming from somebody in so much pain. It was a woman’s voice. When I found her, I recognised her. She was the stewardess who’d served me earlier. Her nametag said Heather. Her leg was trapped beneath a stanchion…’ he paused for a pull on the whiskey. ‘…I tried to calm her down, but she fought me every step of the way. Delirious, she could barely feel her leg and the water was rising around her. If you’d seen her face, Abbey, she was so frightened.
‘I promised I’d get her out, promised her she’d be fine, but the stanchion wouldn’t budge, not even an inch, and I figured if I couldn’t move the stanchion I’d have to move her. So, I grabbed her under the arms. As I pulled she moved with me, came free easily. At first I couldn’t understand how it’d been so simple, where her pain had come from. But she was still screaming. Just screaming. When I looked down, her leg was completely detached from below the knee. The stanchion had gone right through.’
‘My God,’ Abbey muttered, closing her hand over his.
‘The screaming died off as the shock took over. I could see blood escaping the wound. In the water it looked like ink. I dragged her through the carriage, out into the sea. Halfway to shore, she went limp. I don’t know if she was dead. I thought she was, but there was no way to be certain. I couldn’t hold on to her anymore, the waves were getting the better of me, so you know what I did? I let her go. I let her go so I could save myself.’ He felt his hand being squeezed harder.
‘It was a night of impossible decisions for everybody, James, not just you. You did all you could for that woman, and if there was the smallest chance she was still alive, she wouldn’t have lasted a day without proper treatment. One life saved is better than two lost.’
Taking another long swig, he said, ‘I couldn’t move that night because I was punishing myself. I think in some twisted way I wanted to die, to make amends for failing that woman so badly. My brain just shut down. If you hadn’t come along when you did…’ The sentence
